Halloween Pumpkin Peril

Welcome to our semi-regular feature – Ask the Rev – where leading paranormal expert and ordained priest (in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist) Reverend Leonard Fanny addresses our readers’ supernatural personal problems. This time the Rev’s expertise is required to deal with a case of ‘Halloween Pumpkin Peril’.

Dear Reverend,

I’ve recently become the target of a series of bizarre attacks which I believe to be of supernatural origin. It started a few evening ago, when I was sat in my living room watching TV, I was startled by a loud noise from the hallway, something between a crash and a squelch and heard the front door rattling on its hinges. When I opened the door to investigate, I found that a huge pumpkin had apparently been hurled against it! Obviously, I just thought that it was some pre-Halloween hi-jinks on the part of local kids and after cleaning up the mess, went back inside and thought no more about it. Until the next day, that is, when, as I was unlocking my car, another huge pumpkin sailed over my head and hit the garage wall! If I hadn’t just ducked down to enter the car, it would have struck me squarely in the head. I looked around, again suspecting local kids, but there was no-one in sight. After this, the attacks increased in frequency, with another pumpkin narrowly missing me as I came out of Sainsbury’s and several other near misses while I have been out on the street. On each occasion, there has been no obvious culprit for throwing them.

Now, I know that this alone does not indicate that the attacks are being committed by a supernatural agency and I’m well aware that there have been previous spates of assaults in the UK involving vegetables being thrown at random victims. But I’ve never heard of a case where the weaponised veggies have exclusively been pumpkins. That and the proximity of the attacks to Halloween led me to suspect that dark forces could be involved. A conclusion which seemed to be confirmed by a bizarre incident which took place in my own home, while I was alone there: thinking that I could hear something moving in the airing cupboard, I opened the door only to find myself almost buried under an avalanche of pumpkins! It was most disturbing and, having crawled my way out from beneath a pile of pumpkins, I heard the door bell ring. Upon opening the front door, despite seeing nobody outside, I was suddenly struck in the groin by a pumpkin thrown at high velocity, accompanied by a disembodied voice shouting ‘Trick or treat’. The force was so great that I doubled up in agony, clutching at my groin – which felt as if it were on fire – before screaming in pain and collapsing on the doorstep, tears of pain streaming from my eyes. As I writhed around in utter agony, I distinctly heard an evil laugh ring out.

In my agony, however, I suddenly thought of what might have triggered these attacks. Shortly before the first attack, I had attended a Halloween themed party at a friend’s house where, I now recalled, far too much alcohol had consumed and which had culminated, I vaguely remembered, with me having sex with the grinning mouth of a carved pumpkin, for a bet. Could it be that I had offended some great pumpkin spirit? If so, could this latest pumpkin to the groin represent the climax, so to speak, of the supernatural campaign of terror? If not, what possible way do I have of appeasing these evil spirits?

P. Peter
Welwyn Garden

The Rev Replies: I must say that my readers keep surprising me by bringing up all manner of unusual supernatural phenomena that, despite all my years tending this little parish we call weirdness, are new to me. My immediate reaction when I started reading your letter was to assume that you had fallen victim to a poltergeist. But, as you rightly point out, the exclusivity of pumpkins as the chosen means of attack, coupled with your recollection of your drunken antics with that pumpkin, definitely point to something more specific. It occurs to me that your ‘face fucking’- to use the popular vernacular – of that pumpkin might indeed have offended some ancient entity, possibly one related to Halloween, that sees this as a desecration of one of its sacred symbols, requiring retribution.

Then again, it might well be that we are dealing with here is some kind of vegetative spirit. While everyone, I’m sure, is familiar with the sort of tree and woodland spirits invoked by the druids, amongst others, there are also a host of spirits believed to inhabit fruits and vegetables. Indeed, whole cults have developed around these spirits, who create humanoid effigies constructed entirely from fruits and vegetable – often with a pumpkin as the head – in order to worship them, believing that, at certain times of the year, these can be temporarily imbued with life by a sacrificial victim ejaculating over them. Once the effigy lives, it completely absorbs the victim. Could it be that, by sexually assaulting that pumpkin, you have awakened such a spirit which, with its original receptacle destroyed by you, is now using other pumpkins to try and overwhelm and ‘absorb’ you? In which case, I fear, that the attacks will continue until they prove fatal. There is still hope, though. The targeting of your groin would suggest that it could be a case of your not having given that pumpkin ‘good head’, so to speak. You were, after all, drunk and probably underperformed. The solution could simply be to repeat your actions, but this time improving your technique to give full satisfaction. This could be the ‘sacrifice’ the spirit requires. Alternatively, if you still suspect evil intent, then be sure to sanctify your penis beforehand, washing it in Holy water and attaching a ‘cross piece’ to it, carved from a larger crucifix, to turn it into a Holy cross. Then, when you do the deed, as you come to a climax, the pumpkin will explode and the spirit be exorcised.

The Rev will be back soon to give more advice on your paranormal problems. So, if your sex life is a hump in the night or you find yourself nocturnally plagued by the attentions of a spectral groper, drop us a line.

(The Rev is also available for weddings, christenings and exorcisms, the latter only on Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons).