Cruel and Unusual?

The Iraqi authorities have reacted angrily to Western politicians’ condemnation of the manner in which Saddam Hussein was executed, claiming that the former dictator’s treatment had been completely humane and dignified. “The manner of his death was entirely his choice. When he was asked what manner of execution he wanted, Saddam chose auto-erotic asphyxiation,” declares Justice Ministry spokesperson Hamed Al Kuka. “I don’t see how we could have been any more respectful!” According to the spokesperson the former Iraqi president was hanged with a tangerine in his mouth, whilst masturbating himself with the aid of a rope tied around his ankles. “We actually had to dissuade Saddam from exercising all of his last wishes so as to keep it dignified,” claims Al Kuka. “He wanted to dress in women’s underwear: stockings, suspenders, corset, the lot! In the end we convinced him to keep it simple and just go with the suit!” Al Kuka witnessed the execution himself, and has described how Saddam’s eyes rolled upwards in ecstasy as the noose tightened: “He definitely died with a smile on his face and a huge erection in his pants!” In fact, Saddam’s final hard on was so massive that it burst out of his trousers, terrifying spectators seated directly in front of the scaffold. “Three of them were knocked unconscious, whilst others were diving for cover,” chortles Al Kuka. “Several people fell to their knees and started praying for mercy, fearing that Saddam’s penis was going to wreak some terrible revenge upon them!” The erection was accompanied by one last, huge, ejaculation. “Even people standing at the back of the room were sprayed,” says the man from the Ministry. “Some of them were rolling on the ground screaming, vainly trying to get Saddam’s spunk out of their hair and beards!” Al Kuka blames the illicit videos of the execution which surfaced on the net and TV for misrepresenting these events. “Those pictures were carefully edited by Sunni insurgents out to discredit the government,” he contends. “Nowhere do they show the sheer joy of the occasion – Saddam was in paradise even before that trap door opened! He hadn’t been able to get it up like that for years!” Amongst the events misrepresented, according to Al Kuka, was the apparent barracking of Saddam by executioners and spectators as the noose was placed around his neck. “They were just talking dirty – exactly as he had requested,” he explains. “It is well-known that Saddam had always had trouble getting it up – listening to some obscene sexy talk was one of his favoured methods for working up a good hard broom-handle!”

Sunnis in Iraq have, not surprisingly, rejected Al Kuka’s explanations, claiming instead that it was the Iraqi authorities who edited the footage of Saddam’s execution. “Don’t you think we’d want the world to see that Saddam wasn’t just hung, but well hung?” asks Mohammed El Rajah, a leading Sunni radical. “The corrupt puppet government is afraid that Saddam’s penis will become a proud symbol of defiance if it is seen by the Iraqi people!” Indeed, Saddam’s last erection has become something of a rallying point for insurgents, with several reports of huge effigies of it carved from wood being used to batter police officers, government officials and suspected informers to death. There have also been claims that some suicide bombers have been strapping explosives to their erect penises and masturbating furiously as they attack their targets, apparently in honour of Saddam’s last moments. Perhaps most bizarrely, scores of Iraqis have reported seeing ghostly apparitions of the dictator’s huge hard on. “I was walking down a dark alley near my house one night, a few days after the execution, when I saw this strange glow approaching me,” says a still terrified Baghdad resident who had witnessed the execution. “As it got closer, I realised it was huge disembodied penis floating in the air – Saddam’s penis! I turned and ran back to my house, but before I could get the door open it caught me and buggered me severely! My arse was sore for days afterwards!” Whilst the authorities have dismissed such incidents as ‘mass hysteria’, many of those who were present at the former President’s execution have barricaded themselves into their homes and taken to wearing several pairs of underpants. El Rajah confidently predicts that Saddam’s penis’ spectral reign of terror is only just beginning. “His great member is like a burning sword of Islam, which will cut down the infidels,” he declares. “Once the Americans and British have seen the true magnificence of Muslim manhood, they will flee Iraq in shame and terror!”

The manner of Saddam’s execution has had ramifications beyond the borders of Iraq, with many commentators questioning whether auto-erotic asphyxiation is an appropriate way to carry out the death penalty. “Whilst the means of execution shouldn’t be cruel or unusual, I’m not sure it should be carried out in such a way as to actually give the criminal pleasure,” opines John Bugle who, as a former prison governor in Texas presided over several executions. “Damn it all, it is meant to a punishment, not to mention a deterrent. Hell, carrying out executions like that could actually encourage some sick sex perverts to commit murders and even genocide so as to experience such a thrill!” In response, Al Kuka has accused the West of having double standards when it came to the manner in which criminals were executed. “Let’s not forget that Mr Bugle authorised that the notorious serial killer Phil Cackpipe be executed by public buggery,” he says. “If that isn’t cruel and unusual, I don’t know what is!” Bugle defended his actions in this case, pointing out that Cackpipe had been convicted of murdering six homosexuals in Dallas and Fort Worth over a three year period, strangling them whilst taking them from behind. “It was a case of making the punishment fit the crime,” he asserts. “Besides, the executioners we used were highly trained State Troopers who, through the careful use of lubricants, minimised the discomfort felt by Cackpipe. I think that was damn decent of us!” Pointing out that Saddam wasn’t convicted of committing murder by sexual perversion, his method of execution was hardly appropriate. Al Kuka remains unmoved by such arguments. “We just can’t win, can we?” he sighs. “What would they rather have had us do – kill him with poison gas? Or torture him to death? Now, that really would have been barbaric!”