As Tories flounder under Liz Truss, Tory Grandees announce plan to create new ‘unity candidate’ for leader by combining ‘best parts’ of previous leaders into one new MP, Frankenstein monster-style. Critics point to lack of success at previous attempts to create perfect leaders, including android Theresa May and reanimated corpse Jacob Rees-Mogg.
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Top political scientist claims new formula will allow left to get in touch with ‘inner nastiness’ to better fight the Tories, the so called ‘Nasty Party’. Claims credit for Labour leader’s recent fiery conference speech amid fears that his potion could turn Keir Starmer into top-hatted, cape wearing murderous evil alter ego who beats poor children to death with cane.
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Government denies Security Service’s ‘honey trap’ scheme – ‘Operation Spanker’s Bonus’ – succeeded in entrapping only Tory MPs rather than foreign agents and domestic security threats. According to spokes person top Tory MP didn’t suffer heart attack while strapped into spanking machine and senior minister not caught off his face on drugs.
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With raw sewage threatening to swamp Britain’s beaches, new service to combat brown menace announced. As authorities make plans for hazmat clad lifeguards to rescue effluent engulfed swimmers, environmentalists warn of threat from crap-mutated giant sea creatures if water companies don’t stop discharging raw sewage into the sea.
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Tory leadership contender Liz Truss appeals to Conservative Party membership by vowing to have head replaced with that of Margaret Thatcher if elected leader. Tory Party scientist outlines bizarre plan to revive Thatcher’s dead head to create ‘perfect Conservative Prime Minister’.
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Desperate to avoid queues at ports, British holidaymakers resort to buying boats from refugees newly arrived in Kent in order to cross illegally to France. Asylum seekers complain of consequent lack of boats for them, while some Brits find themselves on flights to Rwanda as they try to return from holiday same way as they left.
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Activist proposes that arses allegedly grabbed by Tory MP Chris Pincher be immortalised as giant sculptures, as they led to fall of Boris Johnson and ‘saved Britain’. Should one huge pair of cheeks replace Winston Churchill in Parliament Square? Is fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square appropriate permanent home for the other?
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Is sexual deviancy the new qualification required for serving in cabinet? As disgraced former Tory Deputy Chief Whip Chris Pincher seeks help with his groping addiction from ‘Arse Grabbers Anonymous’, Boris Johnson launches ‘Operation Save Big Swinging Dick’ in attempt to save his Premiership from series of sordid sex scandals.
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Did private remark by exasperated Queen result in multiple attempts on life of Prime Minister Boris Johnson? Journalist makes amazing claims of Royal disapproval of Britain’s leading buffoon in wake of mob attempting to bludgeon Johnson to death as he left Parliament.
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Don’t you know there’s a war on? Ask defenders of Boris Johnson as critics call for his resignation over drunken Downing Street lockdown orgies. Wartime rhetoric invoked as ministers don tin hats, call for black outs and rationing in response to fuel and food shortages caused by ‘the war’ (in Ukraine). Argue Johnson is vital wartime leader the country needs.
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Prime Minister explodes in Commons! Terrorism or spontaneous human combustion? Tory party thrown into chaos amid accusations of witchcraft being behind explosion. While opposition suggests either Boris Johnson exploded from shame or faked own death to escape political problems, others point finger at Labour leader Keir Starmer’s alleged mental powers.
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Are Britain’s lower classes, immigrants and refugees sufficiently grateful for the charity they receive? Right-wing political candidates proposes they be forced to show appropriate levels of gratitude to their benefactors – or face summary justice from the ‘Gratitude Police’. Believes public displays of gratitude from lower orders will restore ‘natural order’ in UK.
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Government defends decision to scale down giant monster attack defences, claiming threat of such attacks has now receded and Britons must learn to live with monsters. Critics allege government’s indiscriminate use of nuclear weapons as primary defence – following failure of expensive private sector initiatives – caused mutations driving continued waves of the creatures.
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As local business sacks regular workforce, local community asks whether ‘agency staff’ replacements are actually zombies. Claims of all-night Voodoo drums from delivery bays of Dagenham supermarket as customers allege they recognise some of shambolic new staff as deceased loved ones. Are the living dead destined to be UK’s new unpaid workforce?
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New company offers ‘White Man’s Delight’ holidays for UK bigots disenchanted with Brexit Britain. Plan to buy a small country and institute ‘woke free’ regime for visitors to enjoy ‘politically incorrect holidays’ abusing women and minorities, consequence free. Promise England in the seventies-style ‘paradise’ for those tired of ‘wokery’.
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Are Ukrainians looking to make fortune from war with Russia? Right wing anti-immigration Tory MP claims UK must resist calls to take Ukrainians displaced by war for fear of setting precedent – it could encourage others seeking to migrate here to start wars. Others claim war is actually Ukrainian scam to fleece West of money and arms – invasion completely faked.
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