Tag: politics

The Tories’ Last Orgy

Is the Tory party about to implode into an orgy of sadism and sexual depravity? Top political activist compares state of Tory government to last days of Third Reich, predicts it will self-destruct in hedonistic frenzy of sex and violence.

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Calling Call My Bluff’s Bluff

Was genteel and pseudo-intellectual British TV game show Call My Bluff actually an instrument of government oppression?
Top conspiracy theorist claims show part of establishment conspiracy to subvert English language, thereby redefining the way we view certain issues.

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Send Them Home!

‘Send them home!’ In wake of New Zealand mosque terror shootings, Maori leaders call for European immigrants to go home. Sentiments echoed by Australian Aboriginals and Native Americans as all call for end to mass white immigration. Native Americans propose wall around US to keep out white hordes.

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Disability Wars

Investigation into Stephen Hawking’s former nurse uncovers underground network of gladiatorial contests for the disabled. Did late physicist’s use of high tech weaponry to win competition lead to Far Eastern gambling syndicate ‘offing’ him?

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Worst Defence

Were Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson’s latest policy initiatives inspired by watching children’s TV? Worst Defence Secretary ever’s plans for moonbase and interceptors to combat future alien threat allegedly ripped off from Gerry Anderson TV shows.

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Below the Belt

Is Jeff Bezos’ penis about to bring down Trump? Amazon boss calls Trump-supporting tabloid’s bluff, daring them to publish illicitly obtained ‘below the belt’ photos of the billionaire. Does ‘smoking wang’ point toward President?

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Bum’s Rush

Fears that post-Brexit toilet paper shortages could lead to civil unrest. Government prepares plans for rationing (two sheets per dump) and martial law, while citizens explore potentially hazardous alternatives including newspaper and scouring pads.

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Shoot ‘Em in the Commons

House of Commons in chaos as Corbyn’s ‘Zombie Government’ comment results in opposition MP firing shotgun at government benches, shouting ‘shoot ’em in the head!’ Rival parliamentary factions ‘tool up’ as Brexit debate turns violent!

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Ghosts of Brexit

Desperate Theresa May claims Brexit deal rejected by Parliament actually drawn up by ghost of Margaret Thatcher. Prime Minister allegedly possessed by spirit of predecessor determined to pursue her Euroceptic agenda from beyond the grave. Cynical attempt to avert blame for humiliating defeat or inspired attempt to rally right-wing support for deal by accediting it to conservative icon?

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Tory Tough Guy

Public amazement as Home Secretary takes tough line on immigration by personally attacking rubber dinghy and hurling illegal occupants back into sea. New policy initiative or cynical political posturing as Sajid Javid positions himself as Tory tough guy in race to succeed Theresa May?

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Happy Brexmas!

Top Brexiteer switches sides following visitations from three ghosts with visions of Brexit past, present and future. Spectre of a far from Happy Brexmas with Santa being denied free movement to deliver presents, leads to cabinet minister embracing second referendum and ‘No Brexit at All’.

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Inside the Brexit Bunker

Meet the ‘Brexit Preppers’ as they prepare their ‘Brexit Bunkers’ for the chaos they believe will follow a ‘No Deal’ Brexit. Top ‘Prepper’ tells of how tinned food, medicines, even illegal drugs, European porn and prostitutes are being hoarded in preparation for Brexit. Reveals that he is prepared to defend his bunker by force, if necessary.

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Black Face Friday

Government proposes replacing ‘Black Friday’ with ‘Black Face Friday’, where you can only ‘bag a bargain’ if your face is covered in boot polish . Supporters believe ‘Black Face Friday’ would better address British traditions of intolerance, bigotry and casual racism than US import ‘Black Friday’.

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Call of the Monstrous

Local council broadcasts mating calls of infamous monsters in hope of attracting them to town. Plans to cash in on international reconstruction funds when town destroyed by rampaging sex mad giant creatures.

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Terror of the Sexes

Are feminist extremists out to demonise all single men as potential rapists? Tory politician makes extraordinary claim that men being forced to go gay or transgender in order to avoid anti-male persecution. Alleges that militant feminists plotting to have men treated like terror suspects.

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The Novichok Experience

City of Salisbury seeks to exploit novichok attacks to rebuild local economy. Local entrepreneurs set up ‘Novichok Tours’ and fake nerve agent attack experiences for tourists. New ‘Novichok’ perfume planned.

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