“It’s time for people to accept that the threat from giant monster attacks has now receded,” Deputy Prime Minister Dominic Raab has told a press conference, describing those critics of the government’s decision to end emergency defence measures as ‘scaremongers’. “People need to start getting on with their everyday lives again, going back to work and stimulating the economy by buying things, for God’s sake!” Even as he spoke, however, newly released official figures showed that only that day, sixty people had died and scores more had been injured when a giant gorilla attacked Rotherhithe. Nevertheless, the government’s message has remained steadfast, with Health Secretary Sajid Javid declaring that while the monster threat still existed, it was greatly reduced and that people needed to stop cowering in their cellars or underground shelters and get on with their lives without fear. Shortly after making this statement he had his head bitten off by a large serpent-like creature that had emerged from the Thames and slithered into Parliament Square. Undeterred by this set-back, Prime Minister Boris Johnson told parliament that the British public just had to ‘learn to live with monsters’. “We’ve already spent billions bringing this menace under control, depleting our nuclear arsenal in the process,” he said, speaking to a House of Commons still minus a roof thanks to a pterodactyl attack in February. “The cost to the economy from the public staying at home in their improvised shelters has been almost as great as that caused by the destruction of our cities and industries. We’ve got to get back to work!”

Critics of the government’s policy shift have been quick to point out that this isn’t the first time that they have tried to claim that the giant monster threat was over since the attacks began. “Every time they make these claims and start standing down our defences, the monsters just come back, bigger and more aggressive than ever,” says Labour leader Keir Starmer. “As ever, this government can’t be bothered to do anything but treat the symptoms of this crisis, rather than try to actually discover the source of the problem and address the issues causing it.” Others have pointed out that other countries not only have fared much better in the face of giant monster onslaughts, but have also not yet scaled back their defences. “The UK’s approach has been entirely haphazard from the outset, characterised by the indiscriminate deployment of nuclear weapons on its own soil,” points out Arthur Angstrom, Senior Lecturer in Giant Creature Defence Studies at Hartlepool Gardening Institute. “Most of it was carried out in an utter panic – just look at way they didn’t even bother to evacuate East Anglia before nuking it after finding that giant winged serpents were nesting there! No wonder our death toll has been far higher than any other European country!”

Angstrom also highlights the way in which EU nations were able to co-ordinate their responses and focused upon developing early warning systems so as to intercept and destroy incoming monsters before they could cause significant damage. “If not for Brexit then we could have shared in their defence systems instead of going it alone,” he muses. “Instead, we wasted billions on our ‘world beating’ privately developed monster detection mobile phone app, not to mention all those anti-monster missiles and ray guns they bought, none of which worked. Consequently, we had to fall back on nuclear weapons, whereas the EU successfully developed a poison gas that killed all known monsters but was harmless to people – which we refused to buy!” Indeed, the amount of money the government pumped into various private companies in exchange for monster defence equipment that invariably failed to work, has led many to question whether the monster threat was ever real, or simply an elaborate scam to defraud the public exchequer. “If you ask me, it was all a hoax,” opines leading conspiracy theorist Stan Cobblers. “These so-called monsters were all engineered by big business in league with the ruling elites, using holograms, or something, so as to create a non-existent threat to simultaneously oppress us by forcing us to hide in cellars and sewers and to fleece us out of our taxes! It’s a bloody disgrace!” Cobblers has stuck to his claims, despite having only narrowly evaded death at an ‘Anti Monster Hoax’ rally in Trafalgar Square, at which hundreds were burned to death when it was targeted by a fire breathing dragon that also toppled Nelson’s Column, maintaining that the deaths were caused by police with flamethrowers, with the media faking the dragon footage.

Along with many other experts, Angstrom believes that the government, indeed the entire western world’s, weak response to the initial monster attacks lies at the heart of the problem. “When that giant lizard thing first started attacking Japanese cities, they should have taken a firmer stand,” he contends. “That would have been the time to deploy nuclear weapons, but no, they wouldn’t do that, would they? Let’s not forget that Boris Johnson was in the forefront of those opposing a direct intervention as not only might it upset China, but that it might provoke the creature into moving West and attacking us. Nor should we forget that, originally, he was a proponent of just taking these monster attacks ‘on the chin’ and riding it all out.” Others, though, argue that refraining from the use of nuclear weapons was always the correct approach. “Look, it is quite obvious that it has been the indiscriminate use of nuclear weapons that has driven the successive waves of ever more formidable monsters attacking the UK,” ponders Hart Fishlock, Senior Researcher in Genetic Mutation Studies at Truro College of Further Education. “The radioactivity released creates further mutations. It is almost certain that the first giant monster, in Japan, was the result of radiation from the nuclear power plant damaged by the Tsunami. The subsequent first wave of monster were undoubtedly also all bred in the ocean depths off Japan – later waves in Europe were probably the result of the UK government’s reckless use of nuclear weapons against the first wave!”

The UK government has rejected all criticisms of its response to the global monster attacks. “Frankly, I’m tired of remoaners trying to blame it all on Brexit,” an angry Michael Gove told the Commons, banging his fist on the Dispatch Box for emphasis. “If anything, our increased border measures acted as a deterrent to many potential monster attacks – I have it on good authority that many were turned back by Border Force patrol boats as they tried to cross the channel.” He later conceded that he might have been confusing refugees with monsters. Nonetheless, he continued to defend his government’s record. “I’m equally tired by these attempts to lay the blame for later waves of monster attacks on the UK upon our, perfectly reasonable, attempts to defend our country using nuclear weapons,” he said. “Let’s face facts here – if the EU had taken its fair share of attacks and hadn’t diverted so many of these giant beasts away from their own borders, then the UK wouldn’t have had to deal with so many of them.”