Has a notorious Victorian ghoul returned to terrorise Britain’s streets? Is ‘Flame Arsed Jack’ is once more abroad, frightening women and children with his anal arson antics? Mass hysteria, supernatural apparition, or ‘Wokerati’ bogeyman invented to scare children into being woke? Experts disagree as to true nature of ‘Flame Arsed Jack’.
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Is Soho’s new ‘Club Sex’ an outrage to public decency, as claimed by opponents? Club will offer live stimulated ‘rape shows’ for predominantly male members. Owner claims watching fake rapes will satiate appetites of potential rapists for sexual molestation of women. Campaigners condemn exploitation of male violence against women for entertainment.
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Desperate to avoid queues at ports, British holidaymakers resort to buying boats from refugees newly arrived in Kent in order to cross illegally to France. Asylum seekers complain of consequent lack of boats for them, while some Brits find themselves on flights to Rwanda as they try to return from holiday same way as they left.
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Did private remark by exasperated Queen result in multiple attempts on life of Prime Minister Boris Johnson? Journalist makes amazing claims of Royal disapproval of Britain’s leading buffoon in wake of mob attempting to bludgeon Johnson to death as he left Parliament.
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Is Metropolitan Police institutionally racist and sexist? Controversial former senior cop feels criticisms of out-going Commissioner Cressida Dick unfounded and claims most so-called racism and misogyny within force result of misunderstood training techniques designed to ‘toughen up’ black and female officers.
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Is Boris Johnson planning to ambush President Putin with cake in order to provoke war as a distraction from ‘partygate’? Is phantom cake-flinger terrorising cabinet ministers? Official investigation into alleged cake attacks dismissed as yet another attempt to distract voters from lockdown parties scandal.
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Have ‘True Crime’ podcasters run out of crimes to investigate? Wrongful conviction in unsolved murder case exposes how popular podcasters made up evidence to gain popularity. Allegations that other podcasters actually committed the bizarre crimes they ‘investigated’ and framed innocent people in order to create ‘solution’.
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Is new Tory sleaze scandal about to break? Mysterious death of MP who took ‘three line whipping’ threatens to expose ‘parliamentary porn’ racket. Dead Conservative member allegedly illegally rented out parliamentary office and House of Commons chamber for explicit porn movie shoots.
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Are arsonists the forgotten victims of Britain’s petrol panic buying crisis? Expert claims lack of petrol supplies causing significant reduction in deliberate fires – costing professional arsonists thousands in fees. As arsonists turn to alternative accelarants, fears that shortages of meths will cause anguish for down and outs.
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Will government plans to make Heavy Goods Vehicle licences easier to obtain result in increased carnage on Britain’s roads? Safety campaigners fear diluting the qualifications will result in dangerous drivers, terrorists and the medically unfit joining the sex offenders, serial killers and morons currently behind the wheels of Britain’s trucks.
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Right-wing political candidate advocates making punishment fit the crime – burn arsonists, kill murderers, bugger rapists and feed dangerous dogs to lions. Contends that crime is defined by class of perpetrators – the actions of the socially superior can never be criminal.
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What is behind reports of blow up sex dolls coming to murderous life? Demonic possession? Mass Hysteria? Crazed scientific experiments gone awry? Is a feminist witches’ coven using enchanted sex dolls as instruments of revenge for male violence against women?
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Welsh Nationalists demand return of Stonehenge after new archaeological study claims monument originally erected in Wales. Allege that stone circle was illegally removed to England in act of cultural appropriation and rebuilt without planning permission. English historians rubbish Welsh theories.
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Britons vent anger at government’s incompetent handling of pandemic by garroting, burning and hacking to death ministers in violent online game. Virtual mobs seek head of Boris Johnson in order to secure victory. Has game inspired real life vigilantes to chase Covid-deniers and lockdown sceptics up trees?
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Is Micheal Gove actually an obscene phone caller? Top left-wing journalist makes sensational claims on radio show that top Tory ‘looks the sort’. Also claims Boris Johnson of looking like a ‘heavy breather’ and Dominic Cummings of looking like a voyeur.
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Outrage as left-wing journalist suggests that Last Night of the Proms be used as opportunity to cull the extreme right, by sealing doors of Albert Hall and gassing audience. Dismisses populist patriotic favourites like ‘Rule Britannia’ as ‘irrelevant’ as Tory government threatens to have him classified as terrorist organisation.
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