Tag: crime

Sick and Depraved?

Islamic State joins Prime Minister in condemning ‘sick and depraved’ Westminster terror attack by militant sexual deviants. Sex-based outrage sees naked man trying to batter way into Parliament with erect penis and groups of deviants performing exotic sex acts in front of commuters on Westminster Bridge.

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Virtual Jihadi

Parents shocked as second hand video game turns out to be Jihadi suicide bomber simulator. Warnings that charity shops could be flooded with used virtual terrorism games simulating JIhadist attacks.

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Dying for Ratings

Was George Michael Murdered by News Media Conspiracy to boost Christmas News Ratings? Top Conspiracy THeorist Claims Queen also on media ‘Hit List’.

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Zombie Justice

Should convicted criminals who die before they’ve completed their sentences be brought back from the grave to finish their punishment? Newspaper suggests voodoo be employed to bring back as zombies offenders attempting to cheat justice through death.

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Slay Ride

Major UK Terror Alert After Hijacked Santa’s Sleigh Crashes into Shoppers at German Market. Was Driver Part of Group Trying to Drive Out European Xmas Traditions in Favour of British Yule-tide Celebrations?

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Throw a Brick at the Homeless

Is Right Wing News Site’s Xmas Appeal Encouraging Followers to Throw Bricks at Homeless? Editor Claims he’s Merely Trying to Provide Rough Sleepers with Means to Build Own Homes.

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Down With Xmas!

Man Punches Out Salvation Army Officer for Wishing Him an Unsolicited ‘Happy Christmas’. So Called ‘Man Who Hate Christmas’ Plans to Sabotage Yuletide by Poisoning Supermarket Seasonal Foodstuffs with own Excrement.

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Grabbed by the Octopussy?

Octopuses to sue after Donald Trump described as being all over alleged groping victim ‘like an octopus’. Object to defamatory implication they are all sex offenders. Counter claim Trump is victimising them after ‘grab them by the octopussy’ remark.

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Save the Children

Britain’s peadophiles complain that too many unaccompanied refugee children arriving in UK are actually adults. Demand tougher age tests to ensure that the government only save the children for them, not over age impostors.

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Mother of Lies

Was Mother Teresa of Calcutta behind Illegal bare knuckle fighting ring? New book bizarrely claims noted missionary fought other nuns for big money in underground bare knuckle bouts.

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No Sex Please!

Man banned from having sexual intercourse without giving police forty eight hours notice. Authorities claim his orgasms so powerful they induce frenzied sexual activity in anyone in close proximity.

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Winds of Terror

Police Accused of Overreacting After Massive Evil-Smelling Fart Sparks London Terror Alert. Flatulence Subsequently Deemed ‘Spontaneous’ Rather than Being Deliberate Chemical Attack.

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Robot Jihad

Is alleged ‘Robot Suicide Bomber’ that took out episode of ‘Robot Wars’ vanguard of new ‘Techno Terror’ campaign by Isis? Fears that household appliances could be reprogrammed into killers by radicalised repair men after housewife suffers near fatal washing machine assault.

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Black on Black

Sheriff’s Deputies in US South ordered to black up in order to avoid being targeted by black snipers. Local Sheriff also believes wearing of black face by white officers will also take racial element out of police brutality.

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Bugger Boris

Is Boris Johnson the notorious Balham Buggerer? Top paranormal investigator claims Boris’ inner Turk unleashed under stress as he regresses into Turkish great grandfather to commit depravities.

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Red Blooded Bigotry

Florida Preacher Denies Exploiting Orlando Shootings to try and ‘Cure’ Homosexuals by Organising Donations of ‘Heterosexual’ blood for Injured. Claims Two Pints of ‘Real American’ Blood Will turn Recipient Straight.

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