Dead and Unburied

“What they were doing to those corpses was an absolute bloody disgrace,” Chief Inspector Harriman Katt of West Surrey Constabulary claimed at a recent press conference, referring to a series of high profile police raids on a string of funeral parlours across Surrey. “I’ve been a police officer for over thirty years and I’ve seen some things, but even I was shocked by what we uncovered!” Details of what the raids on the various premises of Quick’n’Easy Burials Ltd, which advertises itself as a ‘no frills’ budget undertaking service, actually found, following endless online and media speculation about necrophilia, organ snatching, vampirism and even Frankenstein-style monster making, are finally beginning to emerge. “When we went into their funeral parlours – I say parlours, but they were actually more like warehouses on industrial estates – we found that bodies they were meant to have been burying and cremating were actually being stored in freezers,” a police source has told The Sleaze. “They weren’t even proper industrial meat freezers – just ordinary cabinet freezers you’d stick the stuff you’d bought at Iceland into – each warehouse was full of them! God knows what their electricity bill was like!” According to the source, the number of unburied bodies ran into three figures. “Obviously, there are a lot of very shocked and disturbed relatives out there,” the source claimed. “They thought that they’d paid to have their loved ones buried or cremated, but have now found out that they are, in fact, stacked up like frozen pizzas in Tesco.”

But just why were Quick’n’Easy storing scores of dead bodies? “It appears that they were using them in nefarious money-making schemes,” says the police source. “We’re currently investigating claims that they were hiring out the corpses to various events where, for instance, fewer than expected tickets had been sold and the organisers needed to fill out the crowd – they’d bring the stiffs in in refrigerated vans and set them up at the venue, as required.” Indeed, it was one such alleged incident that triggered the initial police investigation. “Suspicions were raised when a local football club’s terraces were suddenly filled with ‘fans’,” reveals the informant. “They were usually lucky if they got fifty people turning up for a match, but suddenly their crowds more than doubled – but these new ‘fans’ were strangely passive. Even when their team scored – which was a rare event – there never seemed to be any reaction from them.” Rival fans also noted that many of these new spectators had a greenish tinge about them. “We think that despite being kept frozen between jobs, the corpses had started to decay,” the source opines. “It is also possible that some of their limbs had started to get loose, what with them having to be redressed before each job in the proper attire – for this football job, for instance, they were all decked out with the appropriate scarves, hats and so on.”

There have also been allegations that the corpses were hired out to fill out the audience at a Chesney Hawkes concert. “This time they seemed to have learned from the football match debacle,” the police source explains. “Instead of having them sat there completely immobile, they had them rigged up with sticks and strings so that they appeared to applaud at appropriate intervals.” Similarly, the corpses, it is suspected, were deployed to bulk out the audience at a Guildford comedy club for a performance by self styled comedian Lee Hurst. “Again, they had them rigged up so they could appear to applaud,” observes the informant. “Obviously, though, they couldn’t laugh, but that wasn’t going to be problem at a Lee Hurst gig.” Most audaciously, it is believed that corpses for hire were used at a meeting of a local Conservative constituency party meeting, where they were used to vote in a new candidate for this year’s expected general election. “All they had to do this time was raise one arm when a show of hands was called for,” says the source. “Moreover, a bunch of mouldering corpses wouldn’t look at all out of place at the average local Conservative Party meeting – let’s face it, most of them were probably members before they kicked the bucket, anyway.” According to the source there is, however, no evidence that there were ever plans to use the Quick’n’Easy corpses to commit voter fraud, despite rumours to the contrary. “I know there’s been a lot of talk about plans to wheel them into polling stations in wheelchairs, with their ‘carers’ presenting the corpses’ bus passes as ID, but it simply isn’t true,” they asserted. “It would be easier simply to make fake postal vote requests on their part than to engage in such a risky charade.”

In light of the developments at Quick’m’Easy, bereaved relatives are now questioning exactly who or what they actually buried or cremated. “When the story broke, we were naturally very worried, so we managed to get an exhumation order for my mother, who we thought we’d buried in January,” explains Chertsey resident Roddie Doggler. “Well, when we got the lid off the coffin, we found that inside was the corpse of a horse – minus its legs to fit it in, obviously. The weight of the coffin when we carried it into the church should have rung alarm bells – I mean, my mother was a big woman, but she shouldn’t have weighed half a bloody ton!” Doggler has since identified his mother in photographs of the Chesney Hawkes concert – which she apparently attended several weeks after her death. Other exhumations have revealed gas stoves, car parts and even a walrus reported missing from a local zoo. Other families became suspicious of the ashes they were given after cremations. “I thought it was peculiar when I found what looked like a spring in what were supposed to be my father’s ashes,” says Crawley resident Arthur Ratz. “When I queried it, the funeral directors said that it must have come from his artificial leg – except that he didn’t have one!” It transpired that Quick’n’Easy staff had burned a sofa around the back of one of their units and used the ashes to fill urns for at least three cremations.

Rumours of even more sinister goings on involving the unburied and uncremated corpses persist. Gary Fish, former BNP local council candidate and a current parliamentary candidate for Reform, has claimed that some corpses were used to create new identities for illegal immigrants. “Look, some bloke whose cousin’s brother-in-law worked at one of those funeral homes told me that they would sometimes skin corpses in order to provide a complete white ‘body suit’ for non-white immigrants,” he alleges. “These guys were paying big money for these skin suits that could allow them to pass for white. For a lower price, they could opt instead for just a ‘mask’ and ‘gloves’, which would be convincing enough for most situations.” Fish believes that Quick’n’Easy have been aiding potential terrorists and foreign criminals to evade the UK’s authorities and effectively vanish. “Who knows what sort of fiendish attacks these bastards are plotting? Or what heinous crimes they might be planning to carry out against decent British people,” he says. “Worst of all, thanks to their evil disguises, white people will be blamed for their crimes and atrocities!” Fish’s claims have been dismissed as alarmist nonsense, with West Surrey police confirming that all the corpses so far found have had all of their skin intact.