Dead Presidents

As the US enters another election year, influential aides to President George W Bush have apparently been advising him that the only sure fire route to a second term lies through political assassination. However, it is not arch-rivals such as Democrat Howard Dean that advisers are urging the President to have iced, but himself. “There is nothing like the sight of a man being cut down in his prime by a sniper’s bullet to boost his poll ratings,” observes veteran White House aide Henry Halls. “Just look at Jack Kennedy, one minute he was a no-good womanising closet commie into S&M, one bullet to the head later he was some kind of saint! I’m telling you, from the moment Lee Harvey Oswald squeezed that trigger the Democrats were a shoe-in for the next election! Damn it if they didn’t try it again with Bobby – from snivelling repressed homo mummy’s boy to heroic crime-busting martyr in a single muzzle-flash! And don’t let’s forget Martin Luther King, impotent rabble-rouser to some kind of blaxploitation super stud by virtue of having his brains blown out!”

Of course, assassination attempts need not be fatal in order to ensure a boost in popularity for the victim – the unsuccessful attempt on Ronald Reagan’s life proved a turning point for his presidency, paving the way to a second term. “The only trouble with going for the non-fatal option is the risk of leaving the President horribly maimed or a drooling vegetable,” muses Halls. “Whilst a cripple can sometimes get the sympathy vote, the American public just aren’t happy at the idea of being ruled by a guy in a wheelchair with no control over his bowels and bladder. You just can’t sell them the idea that it is OK for the Commander in Chief to have his finger on the button whilst wearing a diaper. No, I genuinely believe that it would be best just to go for the terminal option and shoot him in the head.” Whilst cynics might suspect that assassinating Bush is merely a ploy by the ‘shadow government’ to propel its favoured candidate, Vice President Dick Cheney, into the White House on a wave of sympathy, Halls maintains that sudden death need be no bar to a second term for Dubya. “Hell, there’s nothing in the constitution that says the incumbent of the Oval Office actually has to be alive! Everyone knows that Calvin Coolidge was an embalmed corpse for at least half of his presidency, and that Franklin D Roosevelt died in ’39 and was a puppet operated with strings by his wife for the whole of his final term,” he declares. “After a magnificent televised state funeral, we’re going to have Bush’s body mummified and installed in a great pyramid we’re having built in Memphis, Tennessee.”

The contract for Bush’s pyramid has been let to Halliburton, which is controversially proposing to build the monument using slave labour drawn from Camp X-Ray and masonry from the deposed Saddam Hussein’s palaces in Iraq. “Those guys in Guantanamo Bay are all subjects of a conquered nation – what would those bleeding heart liberals rather we do with them, shoot them? Now that really would be a violation of their human rights,” says Halls, in response to claims that the inmates use as slave labour violated every known human rights agreement.

Once Bush is interred, he will be attended to by a sect of priests, who will make daily libations to him in the pyramid’s temple. The core of this new priesthood will apparently be the cabinet and senior Republicans, who will be able to present draft legislation to the mummified President for his assent and seek his spirit’s guidance on the pressing issues of the day. “They’ll be specially trained to interpret the portents, so as to know what his wishes are from observing the shapes of clouds animal entrails and the like,” says Halls. “For the cost of a small sacrifice – cash or gold is preferred – anyone, from ordinary citizen to foreign dignitary, will be able to consult the President at the evening ceremony.” It is hoped that by the time his second term has expired, the divine Bush will have anointed a successor through some supernatural sign. “It could be as simple as a dove crapping on Dick Cheney’s head, or a dog cocking its leg against a sacred tree, but the priests will be able to interpret it,” believes Halls. “The plan is for Bush’s successor to take on his name, just as George W took his pappy’s name. Hopefully, we can establish a whole dynasty; Bush III, Bush IV and so on.”

The proposed assassination it is all part of an ongoing attempt by advisors to rehabilitate Bush’s image. “All too often he is characterised as a warmongering Christian fundamentalist fanatic – whilst that might get the redneck vote, it is alienating the more educated urban electorate,” he explains. “We want to emphasise his uncanny similarity to President Kennedy, the darling of the liberal intelligentsia. It is all there if you look – both were elected on dubious (and allegedly rigged) ballots, both have championed space exploration programmes, Kennedy to the moon, Dubya to Mars, and both have committed us to long-term and very costly military adventures in distant countries on highly dubious pretexts. It really is uncanny!” The next stage of this scheme is to have the President involved in a sordid sex affair with a beautiful – yet tragic – actress. “Hell, this is the bit the President is really looking forward to!” chuckles Halls. “Of course it isn’t easy identifying a modern day equivalent to Marilyn Monroe, but after an exhaustive search we’ve settled on Pamela Anderson. She combines being a good moral Christian with sluttishness and an undeniable sleazy sex appeal – a present day Whore of Babylon. Plus, her hepatitis and former marriage to Tommy Lee give her that edge of tragedy and a strong possibility of convenient suicide. She also has great knockers.”

It is hoped that the revelation of a torrid affair will firmly establish Bush’s credentials as a virile red-blooded American heterosexual. “The American public like to see that their President has some lead in his pencil. Just look at how they reacted to Bob Dole’s apparent impotence due to his ‘war wound’ – he was trounced in the polls by Bill Clinton and his overactive schlong,” says Halls. “Of course, to get the Moral Majority back on side, we’ll have him publicly apologise to his wife afterwards. Forgiving spouses always go down well with the public.” The affair out of the way, Dubya’s identification with Kennedy will be finalised by his assassination, currently pencilled in for Fall, possibly during a victory parade celebrating the triumph in Iraq, during which captured Iraqi war criminals – headed by Saddam – will be led in chains head of the Presidential motorcade. “It is just perfect,” enthuses Halls. “Cruelly cut down during his hour of triumph – just imagine the public anguish, the soul-searching, the massive sympathy vote! It is a pollster’s dream!”