Fire Down Below

Welcome to our brand new feature – Ask the Rev – where leading paranormal expert and ordained priest (in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist) Reverend Leonard Fanny addresses our readers’ supernatural personal problems. We kick off with the Rev’s response to a red hot dilemma involving, quite literally, ‘fire down below.

Dear Reverend,

I’m hoping you can help me with a problem of a rather delicate nature. Since an early age I’ve had the gift of pyrokinesis – fires have always spontaneously ignited around me, usually at times of extreme emotional distress. After a series of childhood incidents, including my father’s shed burning down when I threw a temper tantrum after my mother refused to allow me to get my ears pierced at age nine, and the family cat being seriously scorched when I had my first period two and half years later (it suffered forty percent burns and some of its fur never grew back), I gradually learned to exert a degree of conscious control over my strange ability. I’ve learned to remotely light candles and my family have never needed to use fire lighters. Indeed, since my early twenties I have enjoyed a highly successful and rewarding career as a professional arsonist who leaves no physical evidence behind her! Nevertheless, there remain certain times when my powers still run amok – namely when I am in the throes of sexual passion. A series of promising relationships have broken up as a result of bed sheets catching fire and partners having their pubic hair – or worse – singed. One boyfriend broke up with me after his parents thirty-two inch widescreen TV exploded in a ball of flame as we made love on the living room carpet in their house. The insurance firm are still refusing to pay-out. I finally thought my problems were over when I met and fell for a young man with similar abilities to my own. However, I now fear for my own safety! Whilst we have not yet had penetrative sex, I recently wanked him off – to my horror, instead of ejaculating normally, a six foot long flame shot out of his penis, scorching my bedroom curtains! I am now terrified that if he comes inside of me during normal intercourse I will be baked from the inside out! What should I do?

Miss S Ronson, Budleigh Salterton

The Rev Replies: I’m afraid that I’m at something of a loss here as, in all my years tending that eccentric little parish we call weirdness, I’ve never come across anything quite like this. The last time I had parishioners experiencing combustion problems in bed, the root cause turned out to be a lack of proper lubrication – the friction caused by the man’s frenzied thrusting set their genitals and surrounding area alight, like a boy scout vigourously rubbing his stick. A jar of Vaseline solved the problem, but before I’d carried out a twelve hour exorcism after mistakenly believing that the woman was possessed of the devil – how foolish I felt at the time! I did have another case where a young man of my acquaintance found that his testicles glowed red after making love – they were so hot you could fry eggs on them (and we did, on at least three occasions). His solution was to keep a bucket of ice cold water by the bed and, when his nads began to sizzle, he’d give them a quick dip. Whilst this tended to fill his bedroom with clouds of steam, it did serve to cool his equipment sufficiently to avoid damage. Indeed, I think that a similar approach might be one possible solution to your problem – try packing your vaginal passage with ice before making love with your young man, hopefully this will douse any flames sufficiently to prevent serious internal injuries. The only other alternative I can think of is to have him wear an asbestos condom, although I’m afraid I don’t know whether these are regularly available at high street chemists.

The Rev will be back soon to give more advice on your paranormal problems. So, if your sex life is a hump in the night or you find yourself nocturnally plagued by the attentions of a spectral groper, drop us the line.

(The Rev is also available for weddings, christenings and exorcisms, the latter only on Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons).