Pornogeist!

“It was incredible, dildoes and vibrators just started falling out of a blue sky! The first thing I knew about it was when I heard something clattering on the roof. Of course, I just assumed it was hailstones, but when I looked out of the window I saw this shower of sex aids landing in my garden,” says Freddie Levy, describing the amazing events of a quiet Saturday last May. “It must of lasted for about two minutes, leaving the entire garden covered with the things! Bizarrely, it seemed that only our house was affected! I know it seems amusing now, but it was bloody frightening at the time – my wife was hanging out the washing at the time and was struck and seriously injured by a king-sized dildo! Not only that, but several of our roof tiles were cracked!” However, the phallic rain was merely the culmination of a series of strange and terrifying porn-related events at the Levy house. “It all began with the house being shaken to its foundations by a series of inexplicable nocturnal noises back in February,” recalls Mrs Levy. “We were awoken in the early hours of the morning by what sounded like several explosions coming from somewhere in the house! They were quite deafening, setting off car alarms up and down the street!” The origin of the noises seemed to be their son Frankie’s bedroom, but when they investigated they found he was soundly asleep. “Mind you, there was this sinister sulphurous odour hanging in the air,” says Mr Levy. “Also, the next morning I found the dustbin overflowing with empty beer cans – they definitely hadn’t been there the night before!”

The beer cans were just the first of many foreign objects to mysteriously appear in the Levy house, with a shocked Mrs Levy discovering a stack of hardcore porn magazines secreted under her son’s bed. “It was pure filth – unbelievably disgusting! Of course, I blamed Frankie, but he denied it all,” she says. Despite burning the offending publications, Mrs Levy found still more turning up in the house: “They just appeared everywhere – on top of wardrobes, under the sofa, behind the toilet cistern, even in the fridge!” The magazines were quickly followed by condoms, with Mr Levy being deluged by packets condoms upon opening the bathroom cabinet one March morning. “There were hundreds of them, in all colours and sizes, ribbed ones, even ones with feathers on the end,” he recalls. “Again, we initially blamed Frankie, but he still denied it! The poor kid was in tears, pleading with us to stop victimising him!”

The next manifestations proved to be more sinister, with the Levys once again being awoken by nocturnal disturbances. “We heard something in the living room, when we investigated we found a porn video playing to the empty room,” says Mrs Levy. “The room itself was a shambles, with empty beer cans, porn magazines and what can only be described as ectoplasm all over the place!” The mysterious ectoplasm was smeared all over the sofa, and quickly began appearing elsewhere in the house – the bathroom, kitchen and, most frequently, Frankie’s bedroom, where it could sometimes be found dripping from the ceiling or oozing down the walls. Soon after its first appearance both Mrs Levy and her daughter Flora found items of their underwear going missing. “They would usually reappear within a few hours, stuffed down the back of the sofa, or hanging from a lampshade,” recollects seventeen year old Flora. “Spookily, they’d usually be slightly warm, as if someone, or something, had just taken them off! Sometimes the knickers would have strange streaks in the gusset and weird stains at the front! There was no way I would wear any of them again!”

The Levys were not the only ones to experience the strange occurrences in the house; Mrs Levy’s mother ran shrieking from the house in dead of night after awaking to find herself sharing her bed with a life-size inflatable sex-doll sporting a huge strap-on dildo. She has never returned. One of Flora’s friend’s stay at the house was also cut short after she complained of feeling that she was being watched everywhere she went, and of hearing strange heavy breathing and groaning noises coming from behind the bathroom door as she took a shower. “The final straw came when some of her underwear went missing, then turned up again covered in ectoplasm,” says Flora.

Nevertheless, the Levy’s found it difficult to convince others of the authenticity of the events at their house. Indeed, following the deluge of dildoes, insurance investigators refused to believe the Levys’ story and refused to pay out for either Mrs Levy’s injuries or repairs to the roof, telling the Bath couple that even if the damage had been caused by flying sex aids, it would have been classified as an ‘Act of God’. “Why the hell would God be throwing huge rubber penises at my house?” rages Levy. “It was at that point that I decided it had all gone too far and that I’d have to seek professional help!” Consequently, Freddie called in a team of leading psychic investigators. “It was a truly fascinating case – I’ve heard of rains of frogs, fishes and coins, but never dilodoes and vibrators,” enthused top supernatural expert and author Wilson Collins. “Of course, when I found that the family had two teenage children, I immediately suspected poltergeist activity! It was clear that Frankie was the focus of the events – his frustrated teenage libido, having no other outlet, manifesting itself as a kind of psychic penis, ramapaging around the household!”

However, other members of the team disagreed, with publican and part-time parapsychologist Ted Nolan opining that the events at the Levy house were the work of the mischevious spirit of a teenager who had died at the house many years earlier: “Local research revealed that in 1973 a young man had been impaled on a broomhandle during an autoerotic act that went badly wrong. Significantly, he died in what is now Frankie’s bedroom, which, at the iime, was reportedly stacked to the ceiling with porn magazines and sex aids!” Both explanations were rejected by arch-sceptic Jack Ginchy, who preferred a rational explanation for the occurences. “The shower of sex-aids is easily explained – a whirlwind was reported at a sex fair in nearby Bradford-on-Avon that day. Clearly, it sucked up the offending items from stalls and deposited them over the Levy house,” he asserts. “As for the rest of the goings-on, simply mass-hysteria, sexual frustration and teenage masturbation!” Nonetheless, Collins feels that subsequent developments have vindicated his explanation: “The events at the house ended abruptly with Frankie’s sixteenth birthday in July, and a visit to the notorious Ashley Down area of Bristol, paid for by his father!”