Soft Soap

Don’t worry if you’ve been too busy reading The Sleaze or searching the web for those hard-to-find nude pictures of Sarah Palin to keep up with your favourite soap operas – thanks to the marvels of digital TV, they’re being repeated all the bloody time. If you’re too busy to even bother watching them there, we’ve compiled this handy guide to the soaps we’ve caught on UK Bollocks this week. First up, a vintage episode of Eastenders from 2001. The big news in Albert Square is that Fat Pat has got back together with Roy. However, the trauma of her affair with Frank and the stress of their separation has taken its toll on poor old Roy, who is consequently suffering a recurrence of his impotence problems. The man whose stunning virility once turned Pat away from lesbianism is now reduced to stuffing vegetables from Mark Fowler’s market stall down his trousers in a vain attempt to impress his wife. After the two onions and a carrot he had down his Y-fronts embarrassingly come loose and roll down his trouser leg in the cab office, Roy decides to think big – trying first a cantaloupe, then a huge melon. This produces a bulge in his trousers so impressive that the women of Albert Square start hurling themselves at him – he’s groped by Mo Slater in the Vic, whilst Dot Cotton has an attack of the vapours and has to be given a warm bath and a rub-down by Jim Branning. It also puts a frisky Pat in the mood for love, however, limp Roy is still unable to get it up. In a final act of desperation, hapless son Barry helps him strap a wooden spoon to his flaccid knob in an attempt to simulate an erection.

Meanwhile, down under in Neighbours circa 2005, Ramsay Street residents are disturbed to hear that Harold Bishop has become a naturist and has taken to striding around the house clad only in his socks, glasses and tie. His wife is unconvinced of the virtues of naturism – “Now, don’t lets be hasty Madge!” Harold cautions her. “The Salvation Army has a special Nude Brigade nowadays, whose mission is to preach to the naturist community. They even have their own brass band – the thought of playing my instrument in the buff is quite exhilarating!” However, Madge bans any further nude tuba playing in the house after an unfortunate incident involving Susan Kennedy, two nuns and the Erinsboro Women’s Institute all in wrestling team. The Neighbours production team is to be congratulated on the ingenious way Harold’s nude scenes are shot, with various household objects – matchboxes, for instance, – carefully placed so as to obscure his privates. In another exciting development, Joe “Interesting” Scully finds an incredibly hairy piece of string on the building site. He is convinced that this will finally win him the coveted Western Australia Hairy String Trophy – until, that is, he discovers that Dr Karl Kennedy possesses an even hairier piece of string – with a knot in it! An hilarious feud ensues.

Back in Blighty, strange things are afoot in 2002 episode of Emmerdale. Viv Windsor’s marriage to wandering lingerie salesman Bob is thrown into chaos even before it has started. When the question, “Does anyone here know of any lawful reason why this man and woman should not be wed?”, a mysterious one-legged stranger leaps up from the back of the registry office and shouts: “Yes, Viv Windsor is actually a deserter from the Scots Guards and I am carrying his baby!” There is further disruption when the police arrive and arrest Bob – it seems that his lingerie samples are actually the result of a series of daring burglaries from women’s bedrooms and washing lines. He is, in fact, one of Yorkshire’s most notorious pantie sniffers. Another regular to have a brush with the law is Seth Armstrong, who is questioned in connection with the disappearance of former gay lover Amos Brearly. Seth stands accused of murdering Amos and stealing his amazing Noddy Holder-style sideburns in order to wear them as his bizarre handlebar moustache. Police fear that he may now have set his sights on Zak Dingle’s incredible beard. The vicar is called to perform an exorcism at Emmerdale Farm after strange nocturnal lights are seen streaking across the fields and Jack Sugden is seen digging a thirty foot long grave. It turns out that nobody had told Jack that his foot and mouth ridden sheep had to be dead before he burned them. His blazing flock had started at least nine rural fires as they tried to flee. The riddle of the grave remains unresolved.

Finally, a brief return to Albert Square for the week’s second repeat episode sees the mystery of Who Shot Phil Mitchell resolved – it was Charles Dickens assisted by William Thackery. The two noted Victorian novelists had tired of Phil’s mangling of the English language and the caricature of the London working classes he represented, and so determined to kill him. Using HG Wells’ time machine they travelled to 21st Century London. Unbeknownst to them, Kat Slater plans to hijack the time machine as part of her warped scheme – after persuading Dr Trueman to perform a sex-change operation on her, she aims to travel back in time seventeen years and shag herself, thereby becoming both Zoe’s mother and father! However, little does Kat, or anyone else know, but Jack the Ripper has escaped the 19th Century police by stowing away on the time machine and now intends to resume his grisly trade in Walford! Who will be his first victim? Will any of Albert Square’s women escape his depraved clutches? More to the point, will the Ripper be able to escape the attentions of a rampant and aroused Pat, who, having discovered the secret of Roy’s erection, is now scouring the streets in search of a real man?