Mondo Suburbia

“I’d barely had time to get undressed before she jumped on me – before I knew it she had a garrotte around my neck and was attempting to strangle me! My face turned blue and my lungs felt as if they were about to burst – it was the most exhilarating sexual experience I’ve ever had. I had an erection like an iron poker for a week afterwards,” enthuses forty eight year old Woking civil servant Edwin Frisk, describing the results of his dabbling in extreme wife-swapping, where participants swap wives ‘blind’ via a website. “When she turned up at the front door, I couldn’t believe my luck! All that black eyeliner and piercings, not to mention the fishnets and all the huge vibrators and dildoes she had under her arm – such a refreshing change from my wife! Even when she started choking me, I thought it was some kind of kinky erotic foreplay. It was only when I started to black out that I realised she was some kind of homicidal maniac!” Frisk was only saved when his wife rushed back to the house from the address she had been sent to, only to find her swapped husband to be an embalmed corpse. “He was sat in his armchair, pipe in his mouth, slippers on, apparently reading the Daily Telegraph,” says Regina Frisk. “It turns out he was at least the third she’d done in! Luckily I arrived back at home in time to knock her unconscious with her own huge vibrator.”

The Frisks’ wife-swapping experience is just one of the bizarre tales from suburban Britain featured in top documentary maker Nick Stropp’s shocking new film Mondo Suburbia. Filmed over a six month period in outwardly respectable British commuter towns like Surbiton and Woking, the documentary uncovers a web of middle class perversion, including swingers parties, home-made torture dungeons and, of course, wife-swapping. “Boredom, the sheer drudgery of their daily routines, is what seems to motivate these otherwise respectable white-collar workers to participate in these weird activities. It’s a form of secret rebellion,” explains Stropp. “Take the Woking ‘blind’ internet wife -swapping business – that all started because these middle-class couples had been swapping partners amongst themselves so often, they’d got bored with each other’s wives! They decided they needed to introduce an element of risk, a random factor into it all. Unfortunately, some of them got more than they bargained for!”

Nevertheless, not all of the participants in the wife-swapping were left disappointed. Derek Jugg, for instance, has never regretted swapping his wife for an electric toaster and a teas made. “At least I get a decent breakfast now! Also it saves time – the teas made means I get an extra fifteen minutes in bed every morning shagging my girlfriend,” claims the fifty two year old stockbroker. For her part, Mrs Jugg is now blissfully happy with the manager of a local electrical retailer, telling the filmmaker’s that his shop’s range of washing machines, vacuum cleaners and electric toothbrushes are providing her with the most satisfying sex she has ever had. “After the psycho-woman fiasco, they decided they needed to contain all the sexual activity into a more controlled environment,” says Stropp. “So they decided to organise swinger’s parties, with a different couple’s house being used as the venue each time. Again, they tried to introduce an element of risk by running ads for the parties in certain magazines.” Sadly, the swinger’s event Stropp and his crew were allowed to film for Mondo Suburbia proved to be relatively uneventful. “All we got were a couple of Satanist Hell’s Angels trying to hold a human sacrifice on the patio, and a pyromaniac couple who insisted on setting the bed on fire before making love in it,” laments Stropp.

However, a few month’s earlier, a similar event held at local dentist Eamonn Pinkler’s house had apparently attracted far more bizarre visitors. “This strange looking couple turned up, saying they’d seen one of our ads,” says Pinkler. “At first I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was so strange about them, apart from their shiny, plastic-like skin, then the bloke took his trousers off to reveal his penis. Bloody hell, I’d never seen anything like it, it was bright blue and had a mouth on the end! As I stared at it, the thing reared up and roared at me – I knew it had been a mistake to advertise in UFO Magazine!” Nevertheless, the strange penis didn’t deter Pinkler’s wife from having sex with the stranger. “She reckoned that when he ejaculated, it roared again inside her, sending these amazing orgasmic shockwaves through her body! So I thought, what the hell, why not shag his wife?” relates Pinkler, who claims that apart from her pubic hair being a mass of writhing purple tentacles and having eyes in her breasts instead of nipples, the woman seemed completely normal. “It was a bit weird, it felt like I was being watched all the time, and there were some after effects – all my pubic hair fell out and my penis now glows fluorescent green.”

Whilst the inhabitants of Woking relieve their commuter-belt boredom with sex-games, Mondo Suburbia uncovers far darker goings-on in Surbiton, including torture and pagan rituals. “We found this retired Judge who runs his own torture dungeon from his cellar – it’s amazing, he’s made all the stuff himself, shackles, whips, branding irons, iron maiden, even a rack! Apparently it’s his hobby. He has no shortage of victims either – he advertises in local newsagents windows,” says Stropp. “Sadomasochists, thrill-seekers, prostitutes, he gets them all down there, thinking they’re just going for an illicit S&M session. But he doesn’t let them go until they repent their sins and perversions – claims he’s providing a public service by getting sinners off of the streets of Surbiton!” Incredibly, the Judge allowed Stropp and his crew to film one of his sessions, during which a masochistic accountant is forced to confess to various misdemeanours, including masturbating over pictures of Charlotte Church. “Clearly I’ve nipped a potential peadophile in the bud there,” claims the Judge, going on to reveal that he is awaiting Home Office accreditation to turn his cellar into a private prison. “I’m seeking special authorisation to allow me to castrate sex-offenders – I’ve already made the correct type of tongs in my garden shed.”

Perhaps the most disturbing footage in the whole film is that chronicling a pagan fertility rite being performed at a Surbiton church Summer fete – a young boy scout is seen being burned to death inside a huge wicker penis, whilst, in the background, Morris Dancers prance around a phallic maypole and the vicar draws the winning raffle tickets from a tombola. “Apparently they do it every year to ensure a good ‘crop’,” explains Stropp. “It seems to work, as they’ve won the ‘Britain in Bloom’ contest four times in a row now with the town’s magnificent floral displays!” Mondo Suburbia is on general release from next Friday.