The Bottom Line

Arses – philistines will argue that they have only two uses – either you sit on ‘em or shit out of ‘em. However, the more sophisticated amongst us know that the bottom is something truly special. Which of us, both male and female, hasn’t admired a shapely backside in motion? And who of us hasn’t secretly harboured fantasies about giving those lovely cheeks a damn good thrashing? Even manly Clint Eastwood is susceptible to these urges, as witnessed in a scene cut from the final print of US Marine drama Heartbreak Ridge (but restored in the recent Blu-Ray release), where his tough training sergeant gives a talk to his young recruits. “Marine’s bottoms”, he rasps as he prowls up and down their ranks. “We all know where they are and what they’re for. There’s nothing like taking those two rosy cheeks and squeezing them into one…..”

Of course, there is much debate amongst bottom aficionados as to exactly what the perfectly spankable bottom looks like. Is it the petite yet well-rounded type sported by the likes of Kylie Minogue, or perhaps the firmer, more muscular type seen on athletes – tennis player Maria Sharapova springs to mind – is the perfect type? There is also a strong case to be made for the broader, yet well-shaped, bottom. The one thing all aficionados agree on , however, is that there is no place for the skinny flat-arse (of either gender), in this debate. Personally, I can only speak from a male perspective when I say that I favour the broader beam. I feel that the greater surface area gives far more scope for imaginative spanking. That’s not to say that I like fat, lardy arses. I’m afraid that these are totally unsuitable for spanking. A degree of firmness is required for best effect. Yes indeed, there’s nothing like putting a broad-yet-firm-bottomed lady across your knee and beating those cheeks like bongo drums.

The question also arises as to whether you favour bare-arsed or clothed spankings, or whether you use the naked palm or advocate the employment of instruments such as canes, straps, paddles or hair-brushes. Sadly, though, we live in an age when consensual spanking is increasingly under threat as a past-time. According to top spanker Aloysius Crackler – three-time winner of the Golden Cane for his spanking technique and holder of the world record for administering six of the best in under ten seconds – the UK’s position as Europe’s centre of excellence for recreational chastisement could be under threat as a result of the current ban on corporal punishment in schools. “Without people learning to enjoy the brisk slapping of willow canes or plimsolls on buttocks, how are we going condition future generations to enjoy this great pastime of ours?” he asked in an exclusive interview with The Sleaze, during which he proudly showed us his right hand, which is three times larger than his left, the result of over forty years of spanking firm bottoms for fun. “Even worse is all this talk of banning parents from smacking their own children – are we even to be denied the chance to encourage our children to take up this wonderful hobby in the privacy of our own homes?”

All of which brings us, finally, to the point of this article – who do you think has the most spankable bottom? Guys, is it pert-bottomed Kylie Minogue you’d like to bend across your knee, or would you rather beat out a rhythm on Drew Barrymore’s broader posterior? Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow’s behind does it for you. Or is it the sublime wiggling buttocks of sultry Latino beauty Jennifer Lopez? Not wishing to be sexist, we’d also like to hear from the ladies – do you favour Mel Gibson’s notoriously hairy arse or do you prefer the smooth buttocks of Matt Damon? Does age make a difference? Would you prefer to thrash Sean Connery’s leathery old buttocks red raw, or prefer the soft, creamy and virginal cheeks of Ben Affleck? So, just tell us your top three spankable bottoms – if your choices match those of our panel of three of the UK’s top spanking aficionados, (including horror writer and leading spanking enthusiast Ramsey Campbell), you could win a fabulous monkey picture! (Actually, please don’t send me your arse preferences, there is no competition, this is just a joke.)