Di Hard!

Top Royal-watcher Hugh Ropley-Tossington claims to have uncovered sensational new facts relating to the death of Princess Diana. In a new documentary (soon to be screened on cable TV) Ropley-Tossington alleges that the coffin seen at the Royal funeral did not contain Princess Diana’s body – a sack full of bricks having been substituted for the regal corpse! According to Ropley-Tossington there has been an amazing conspiracy by the authorities to cover up the loss of the real body. Diana’s body was apparently lost in an amazing incident the night before the funeral. The documentary asserts that in her will the Princess stipulated that she wanted an honour guard from the 4th Battalion of the Welsh Guards (of which she was Colonel in Chief) to ejaculate over her coffin. However, the Archbishop of Canterbury was adamant that such an act could not take place on consecrated ground.

Consequently, it was arranged to move the coffin from its resting place in the Royal chapel to Kensington Palace. Readers will well remember the crowds lining the route as the hearse slowly made its way across London. What those who saw the event on television will not realise is that part way through the journey a child ran out in front of the hearse, forcing the driver to swerve. Unfortunately the brakes then failed and the out of control vehicle ploughed into the thronging crowd, seriously injuring several bystanders. The impact sent the Royal coffin flying out of the back of the hearse to land on the road, where the Royal body tumbled out onto the tarmac. Before the police escort could stop them, the crowd had descended on the body in a frenzy, tearing it apart in a ghoulish quest for mementoes.

Ropley-Tossington claims that the authorities immediately swung into action in an attempt to cover up this highly embarrassing incident. Clever editing meant that TV audiences had no inkling of what was going on, whilst Special Branch officers quickly moved in to detain as many eyewitnesses as possible. These people were subsequently sworn to secrecy and threatened with prosecution under the Official Secrets Act if they ever revealed what they had seen. A decision had to be quickly made as to what to do with the honour guard waiting at Kensington Palace. Standing them down would arouse suspicion. Moreover, the twenty privates involved had been intensively trained in preparation for their duties – practicing up to seven hours a day. The Ministry of Defence decided that, in view of their high state of sexual anticipation, cancelling the ceremony could seriously damage the guardsmen’s health. Consequently, when the empty coffin arrived at Kensington Palace, the soldiers were allowed to whack-off over it – believing that it still contained Her Royal Highness’ body. “It was a real relief to finally get it over with”, one of them tells the documentary. “It was no mean feat standing to attention for that length of time, I can tell you!” Protocol was only broken when one of the soldiers attempted to wipe his member on the Union Jack draped over the coffin. The semen-stained banner now has pride of place in the Battalion’s mess hall.

Videotape of the crash was studied by agents from the Security Service in an attempt to track down those who stole parts of the body. The Security Service has apparently succeeded in retrieving many of these parts by a variety of means, including bribery, blackmail and theft. The authorities claim that they now have up to 55% of the body and are hopeful of recovering up to 90% over time. However, the task has been complicated by the fact that many of the parts were sold on to dealers and overseas collectors. At least one foot is thought to currently be in the Far East. The Secret Intelligence Service is rumoured to be mounting a covert operation to recover it. Another major part which remains at large is Diana’s right hand. The documentary interviews an anonymous individual who claims to own it. “I keep it in a glass jar on my mantelpiece”, he says. “I once shook her hand when she was alive and sometimes now I take the hand out and run it down my face as I relive that wonderful moment!” Although he could have made a fortune selling off the fingers individually to foreign collectors, the anonymous owner is adamant that he is not interested in money and will never part with his grisly memento.

Having seen Ropley-Tossington’s theories as to what happened to the Princess of Wales after her death, we asked him whether he had any theories as to how and why she had died. He told us that he utterly rejected the theory recently put forward by rival Royal expert Roger Todgingly that the Princess was assassinated by the Secret Intelligence Service in order to prevent her from revealing a sensational Royal scandal. According to Todgingly she had discovered that Mohammed Al Fayed, father of her companion Dodi, was allegedly the love child of the Queen Mother and Omar Sharif. If this was revealed it would mean that Al Fayed would not only be entitled to UK citizenship, but would also have a legitimate claim to the throne.

Whilst Ropley-Tossington agrees that Diana was assassinated on the orders of the British government, he pours scorn on the rest of the theory. “It is absolute nonsense”, Ropley-Tossington angrily told us. “This is an old story based on misinformation put out by the KGB during the Cold War – there is no truth at all in it. I have it on good authority that Diana was killed because she was having a lesbian affair with a well-known actress – they were planning to get married with Mother Theresa presiding over the ceremony. Its notable that Mother Theresa died at the same time as Diana. I believe she too was assassinated as a precaution, to ensure that even if Diana lived the wedding could not go ahead.” He also claims that the unnamed actress has not had a hit movie since Diana’s death. Official spokesmen have dismissed Ropley-Tossington’s theories, describing his documentary as “tasteless”, “sick” and “completely without foundation”.