Weird Tales

Weird tales of the paranormal are nothing new – stories of ghosts and goblins can be traced back to the Middle Ages and beyond, whilst people have been reporting flying saucers and aliens since the 1940s. However, a Slough woman has recently become the centre of a series of increasingly bizarre paranormal activities. In March of this year 43 year old Matilda Quimle complained to the police that the Wolfman had exposed himself to her in a local park. “It was quite disgusting,” she recalls. “I was walking home one evening when I heard this howl. At first I thought that it was a local dog. Then this hairy figure came bounding out of the bushes. Although he was covered in thick fur, I noticed that he still had on a shirt and trousers. He suddenly stopped in front of me, undid his trousers and pointed his huge hairy penis at me! The end was cold and wet, so he must have been in good health.” She alleges that the lecherous lycanthrope then proceeded to masturbate vigourously whilst howling at the full moon, before disappearing back into the bushes.

The police acted quickly on Quimle’s description of her assailant as a repulsive hairy figure whose facial features were obscured by thick fur, by arresting former Radio One DJ Dave Lee Travis (affectionately known as “The Hairy Bastard” when presenting the Breakfast Show). Travis was released when Quimle failed to identify him in a line-up. The investigation then faltered when a check of police records showed that Quimle herself was already known to them. In 1998 she had claimed that the Mummy had appeared at her french windows one night and unwrapped his nether regions in front of her. “Unfortunately, he was so brittle after thousands of years in a sarcophagus, that his knob snapped off,” she told police in her statement. Police found no trace of a mummified penis at the scene.

In early 1999 Quimle had told a national newspaper that she had enjoyed a three in a bed romp with famed horror movie icons Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi, claiming that the latter had insisted on wearing his Dracula cape and biting her breasts. Karloff allegedly made her wear asphalt spreaders boots and walk up and down his back – apparently to ease his arthritis. When the former Frankenstein star later had trouble getting an erection, he apparently plugged himself into the mains. “The result was astounding,” Quimle stated in the newspaper story. “One minute it was limp and flaccid, the next he had this huge glowing bone on with sparks flying off of it! I literally lit up when he stuck it in me! My hair stood on end, it was incredible!” During the romp Quimle also claimed to have been subjected to an extended bondage session in which one nipple was pierced with a bolt and a wooden stake used as a dildo.

Later, in November 1999, Quimle had complained to British Telecom that she was receiving obscene phone calls from the late horror film star Vincent Price. “It went on for several weeks,” she asserts. “Those calls were quite a revelation, I can tell you. Vincent Price may have come over as smooth and sophisticated in those Edgar Allan Poe films, but when he called me he was quite disgusting. The things he suggested!” Apart from offering to swing his pendulum over her pit and describing necrophiliac sex games, the master of horror apparently suggested that she insert certain items of food into various orifices. “His voice was so hypnotic I just had to comply,” Quimle claims. Slough District Hospital has confirmed that during November 1999 they had to remove two hard boiled eggs, four Spanish onions and a slice of pizza from a woman’s vagina (not all at once). On one occasion they were called upon to remove a frozen Rainbow Trout from a female patient’s arse. “It was almost completely defrosted,” a hospital spokesman commented. “Although personally I think a microwave is a more efficient way of thawing out fish products.” A check of the phone records failed to confirm Quimle’s Vincent Price claims. She has now been charged with wasting police time.

We asked Professor Bob Mincer, a leading expert on this type of phenomena, what the cause of Quimle’s experiences might be. “Sex is quite obviously the main factor involved,” the academic opined. “She is obviously sexually frustrated and not getting enough, so she fantasises about being ravaged by various supernatural forces. The presence of the Mummy and more mature horror stars such as Karloff, Lugosi and Price, suggest that she secretly desires to be taken by some kind of father figure – apparently civilised and sophisticated on the surface, but a rampant sex-beast (like the Wolfman) when aroused. Instead of charging her, one of the senior coppers should give her a good seeing to!”

Professor Mincer believes that most so-called paranormal phenomena can be explained in terms of sexual neuroses – particularly UFOs and alien abductions. “The imagery is so obvious – cigar shaped spaceships! So obviously phallic! Clearly, women who see them are in search of a damn good shag, whilst male observers are either repressed homosexuals or fear that their dicks are too small!” Mincer is equally clear on the subject of alien abductions. “The sexual angle is painfully obvious. The abductees always claim to have had probes shoved up their backsides. These are people who subconsciously desire to experiment sexually but are unable to articulate these desires other than through fantasies. The claims of being used for alien breeding experiments speak for themselves!” Professor Mincer is Head of the Creative Erotic Writing Department at Balham University – South London’s centre of excellence of for Correspondence Courses.