Big Fame Hunters

The illegal internet trade in celebrities is threatening to drive some of Hollywood’s rarest stars to the verge of extinction, the International Fund for Celebrity Welfare (IFCW) has warned. “Our most recent research indicates that as many as 9,000 live celebrities or celebrity-derived products were to be found for sale on ebay in just one week,” claims IFCW spokesperson Penelope Lewis-Witties. “Some seventy per cent of these celebrities are on the ‘endangered’ or ‘at risk’ lists compiled by the UN. Traders are clearly taking advantage of the web’s anonymity to flaunt international law!” Amongst the items found on sale were several Jack Nicholson penises, a number of testicles claimed to be from both Colin Farrell and Leonardo di Caprio, a set of earmuffs made from the breasts of a Pamela Anderson and a complete set of Sean Young’s toe nail clippings. “The genitalia of certain male celebrities are prized as aids to fertility,” explains Lewis-Witties. “The penises are often used as fetishes in pre-copulative rites, whilst the testicles are often ground up to form a powder which, when dissolved in water, is believed to be a powerful aphrodisiac.” Indeed, so prevalent are these superstitions as to the potency of certain celebrities genitalia, that several have been hunted to extinction for their horns, most notably Errol Flynn – once to be found roaming throughout the US and South Seas, by 1959 the last survivor was forced to flee to Canada in a desperate, and unsuccessful, attempt to avoid its fate. More recently, the trade in celebrity horns has seen the Johnny Depp driven out of North America altogether, whilst lesser species such as the Rob Lowe and Jason Priestly have been forced to flee their natural habitat of Hollywood sound stages for the relative anonymity of low budget international straight-to-video productions and television. “The lower their profiles, the less sought-after their nads become – many have even sought sanctuary in pornography,” explains the IFCW spokesperson, who reveals that the Warren Beatty is currently considered the most endangered of horny celebs. “Sadly, we believe there is only a solitary specimen left, a very aged bull well past his prime and undoubtedly incapable of breeding. Despite his best efforts to avoid successful movie production, his profile remains high and we fear it is only a matter of time before his three-piece set turns up on ebay!”

However, it isn’t just celebrity parts which are to be found on sale over the web, live celebrities are also being offered online. IFCW investigators found a Richard E Grant for sale in London, and a Matt Damon and three immature Arquettes on a website in Los Angeles. “Whilst for many fans simply owning a piece of their idol is sufficient, for others nothing short of possessing a real live specimen will be enough,” says Lewis-Witties. “Unfortunately, few of them are able to provide the kind of environment these magnificent creatures require in order for them to thrive. Believe me, a cramped and tawdry bedsit in Islington and a diet of Chinese takeaways and Big Macs simply will not do for an Angelina Jolie or even a Tori Spelling – even they require penthouses at the very least, preferably a whole town house with a value in at least six figures, and a proper diet of whatever the latest celebrity culinary fad is!” She also warns that stars can never properly adjust to a life in captivity – without a constant exposure to high profile premieres, fashion shows and photo shoots, they quickly lose their will to live, becoming dowdy and listless, before literally wasting away. Consequently, whilst some of the celebrities sold online have been successfully bred in captivity by collectors, most are still illegally captured in the wild by so-called ‘Big Fame’ hunters. “Like most hunters, I started off as a humble star-struck stalker,” says ‘Randy’, a Big Fame hunter who agreed to speak to The Sleaze. “It was costing me thousands every month, following these celebs about, desperately trying to get their attention, so one day I thought, why the hell don’t I actually make some money out of these parasitic bastards? So, the next George Clooney I saw, I shot and skinned!” ‘Randy’ was able to sell the Clooney’s skin and genitalia on the web for over two thousand dollars. “There was no stopping me after that,” he told us, sitting in the study of his Malibu mansion, its walls adorned with the heads of over a dozen kills. “But it wasn’t just the money which drove me on – it was also the sport! Believe me, until you’ve experienced the thrill of stalking an adult Bruce Willis through the hostile wastelands of Beverly Hills, you can’t comprehend the kind of kick Big Fame hunting can give a man!”

Worried at the damage being done by the likes of ‘Randy’, the IFCW is pressing the US government to declare California a celebrity reservation, where rare species can be protected from the hunters and celebrity memorabilia traders. However, this proposition hasn’t found favour in some quarters, with several politicians questioning why American taxpayers should have to foot the bill to protect multi-millionaire movie stars. “Sadly, whilst celebrities might be beautiful, talented and even rich, they also tend to be frivolous and empty-headed – it would never occur to them to actually use their money to protect themselves,” says Lewis-Witties. “Left to their own devices they quickly fall prey to ruthless predators and up destitute and living rough like Margot Kidder. That’s why the IFCW was set up back in the 1950s, when the old studio system began to break-up stars suddenly found themselves at the mercy of every agent, shifty accountant and dodgy independent producer in Hollywood!” Nevertheless, despite the degree of protection it had offered stars, Lewis-Witties wouldn’t welcome a return to the studio system. “From the outside it may have appeared that the system afforded this privileged elite an idyllic existence – able to cavort freely through high society whilst being protected from outside threats – but in reality celebrities were frequently subjected to appalling ill-treatment,” she reveals. “They’d frequently be chained up on sets for hours between takes, and often severely beaten by trainers if they didn’t perform their lines correctly.” In recent years the IFCW has been running its own programme to try and protect celebrities by humanely capturing as many of the rarest varieties as possible and relocating them to special reservations in Australia. “Some of the little beauties can be real buggers to catch – for dumb celebrities they can be pretty cunning,” says sociologist Steve Inkwell, who has supervised the relocation programme. “I had to wrestle with Sharon Stone for two hours on her bathroom floor before I could subdue her – she kept shedding layers of clothing to try and stop me getting a grip!” Thanks to Inkwell’s efforts, the ICFW has now succeeded in relocating over forty species of celebrities down under. “Its getting to the stage that Hollywood studios are beginning to move their productions down here, we’ve got sufficient captive talent,” opines Inkwell. “The main thing is that, so far, we’ve had no poaching – luckily our local hunters down here in Oz are still more interested in getting drunk, driving into the Outback and shooting a few ‘roos or Aborigines!”