Forget the Alamo!

After nearly two hundred years of exhortations to ‘Remember the Alamo’, Americans outside the State of Texas are now being urged to instead forget the Alamo. The calls come in the wake of the so called ‘Lone Star State’ clashing with the Federal government on how it can protect its border with Mexico. “God damn, why is it so unreasonable for us to want to put up razor wire in order to stop those greasers from coming over here, robbing our banks, shooting up our towns and raping our women?” demands Herb Jerkos, leader of a group of self-styled ‘militia’ who have arrived at the state’s southern border with the expressed intent of protecting the razor wire from any attempts by the Federal authorities to remove it. “Take it away, and we might as well just put up signs saying ‘Bad Hombres Welcome Here’ or ‘Come in and Rape Our Kids – We Love Sex Offenders’.” Such sentiments haven’t gone down well with many politicians outside of Texas, with many accusing the state of hubris. “It’s always been obvious that the ‘Lone Star State’ thinks that it is superior to every other state,” opines New Hampshire Representative Edward Lump. “Just watch any Western if you doubt me, Texans in them are always bragging about how ‘Everything’s bigger in Texas’. Particularly their egos, it seems, as they now think that they can defy Federal law. Well, it’s about time we in the other forty nine states showed them that we just won’t stand for their arrogance any more – it’s time to tell Texas to go fuck itself!”

Lump is one of a number of US politicians proposing radical measures to deal with the current situation in Texas. “If they don’t like US laws, then why don’t we just expel them from the union?” he says. “Even better, why don’t they just leave of their own accord if they find it so offensive to be part of the Union – a sort of ‘Texit’ if you like.” Indeed, Lump believes that Texas’ departure from the Union should be encouraged by leading US politicians. “I’m thinking that maybe President Biden should encourage Texas to leave – hurl a few insults at them, introduce more outrageous legislation. Like limiting gun ownership to only one per household and even then only with a barrel of less than three inches,” muses the congressman. “In a state where manhood is measured by how many and how big your guns are, that should cause an uprising, surely. Or maybe insist that there has to be a black family, a Hispanic family and a same sex couple with an adopted transgender child living on every street.” Lump believes that, in view of the upcoming presidential election, Biden could be open to such a course of action. “Let’s face it, being a place full of gun toting racist braggarts, Texas is bound to vote for Trump next November, so if Biden can get them out of the union, then that’s one less state supporting the orange bastard.” he says. “Hell, if the loons are going to keep claiming that Biden was only elected because the 2020 election was rigged, he might as well rig the 2024 one for real.”

According to the politician, another benefit of kicking Texas out of the Union is that it could be a way for the US to divest itself of Elon Musk. “He moved Tesla’s corporate HQ there a few years ago (and is now trying to re-incorporate the company there instead of in Delaware, where it is currently incorporated, because he thinks the judges in Texas are less likely to strike down his unearned pay increases than they are in Delaware),” he ponders “So, if we’re lucky, he’d be kicked out with it, which could only benefit the US. Maybe then we could claim back Twitter for the sane and decent.” The billionaire, Lump believes, is a constant threat to US values, using his fortune and position to turn Twitter into a forum for anti-American extreme right-wing views, while simultaneously trying to undermine employment laws via his companies. “If we could exile him to an independent Texas, maybe he’d be happy to just pursue his schemes there,” he says. “He could introduce discriminate employment policies to his heart’s content. Perhaps he could persuade Texas to abandon the dollar in favour of one of those didgy crypto-currency schemes he’s always championing on Twitter.”

But what sort of future might Texas face outside of the Union? “There is, of course, precedent for such a situation,” points out historian Dr Leonard Norkster. “Texas didn’t join the Union immediately after gaining independence from Mexico. There was a period when they were an independent state – there is still a plaque on a building in London declaring it as the Texan embassy dating from this period.” Norkster believes that independence could prove beneficial for Texas. “Free from any obligation to follow Federal law, they could defend their borders any way they like – why stop at razor wire when you could instead have anti-personnel mines on the border?” he says. “It wouldn’t just be their border with Mexico – they could also be highly selective as to who they grant entry to from the US. They could restrict the number of non-whites, non-heterosexuals or liberals coming across their border, for instance.”

Alternatively, Texas could simply rejoin Mexico. “It’s a move that would solve their problems with their southern border,” says Norkster. “They would no longer have one, ending any arguments as to what they can and can’t use to defend it.” But would Mexico want Texas back in the event that it left the Union? “Why would we want those assholes back? We haven’t forgotten how those gringo bastards came here illegally, stole our land made us second class citizens,” says Jose Balongas, a Mexican political commentator for a local newspaper in Tijuana. “They only decided to fight for their so-called independence because we had abolished slavery and they wanted to keep the slaves they had brought with them. So it is no surprise that they now want to ignore the laws of the US.” Others in Mexico see the situation differently. “Sure, let them come back – let’s see how macho the likes of Senor Jerkos are when they don’t have their razor wire to protect them,” observes Mexican nationalist politician Juan Herpez. “As they are all descended from illegal immigrants, maybe we start rounding them up and holding them in prison camps until we can deport their white asses back to the US!”