Fortunes From War?

“If it isn’t a famine, political repression, natural disasters or genocide, then it’s a bloody war,” declares right-wing anti-immigration campaigner and Tory back bencher Howard Rowley-Trussock, responding to calls for the government to make it easier for refugees from the current conflict in Ukraine to come to the UK. “They’ve always got some sob story to tug at the heart-strings of bloody liberals, But you can’t make exceptions – if you do that and you set a dangerous precedent.” In a series of speeches to anti-immigration rallies over the past few weeks, Rowley-Trussock has warned that if concessions are made to Ukrainians fleeing the Russian invasion of their country, it will simply encourage other prospective immigrants to start wars themselves in order to try and take advantage of the UK’s generosity. “It might seem that they are deserving cases for fast-tracked visas, but before you know it, you’ll be having minor wars breaking out in the poorest parts of the world in order to provide a pretext for their inhabitants to claim the same privileges,” he told a meeting in Rickmansworth last weekend. “I mean, how do we even know that the people we’re letting in actually have lost their homes to a war? For all we know, they are simply opportunists who demolished their own house and blamed it on a stray Russian missile! We can’t allow them to use the misfortunes of war to try and make a fortune from our hospitality!” He also questioned the need for Ukrainians to be fleeing the war in the first place. “I mean, the Russians have only invaded a small part of Ukraine – they’ve still got the rest to live in where there are no tanks or bombs being dropped,” he argued. “Besides, can they honestly say that life under the Russians will be any shittier than it is anyway – we’re talking about bloody Ukraine, after all!”

While Rowley-Trussock’s comments have been widely condemned as ignorant bigotry, some of his supporters have gone even further than the Tory loon – rumoured to have the ear of Home Secretary Priti Patel – questioning whether there really is a war going on in Ukraine, or whether it is all a hoax. “Look, we’ve only got their word for it that they are being bombed out of their homes,” opines Brian Bruddles, an ‘independent’ councillor from Acton. “Has there really been a Russian invasion, or have the Ukrainians launched a ‘false flag’ operation against themselves, with their soldiers in Russian uniforms faking it all?” Bruddles unperturbed by critics pointing to the copious amounts of press coverage from the war zone, with live TV reports being broadcast globally. “Of come on! They faked the moon landings, didn’t they?” he guffaws. “Just look at how many people still believe that they actually happened, or that the earth is round – or that Paul McCartney is still alive, for that matter. How hard could it be to fake a war with modern CGI techniques, for God’s sake?” Bruddles thinks, however, that the Ukrainian government has gone too far in some of its fake reporting. “All this nonsense about the ‘Russians’ bombing schools and hospitals, blowing up children and pregnant women – it’s just unbelievable nonsense,” he complains. “As if any modern nation would do such a thing – anyone would think that they are trying to convince us that President Putin is some kind of power-crazed, ruthless bastard. In reality, of course, he is simply a strong, decisive, leader of the sort we badly need in the UK.”

Not surprisingly, Bruddles’ views have been met with contempt, with many commentators dismissing them as pro-Putin propaganda. “It is utterly ridiculous to suggest that there is no real conflict going on in Ukraine, or that the Russians aren’t the aggressors,” says Jim Plock, Professor of War Studies at Hinkley Horticultural College. “Besides, if there is no war going on, why is the west sending the Ukrainians massive arms shipment with which to defend themselves?” Bruddles, naturally, rejects Plock’s analysis. “People really are so naive, aren’t they?” he chuckles. “Quite obviously, they are selling those weapons on the black market – as they are getting them for free, they’ll be making a pure profit on them! Believe me, they’ll probably be used to start some actual wars elsewhere, resulting in us being swamped by yet more refugees!” Indeed, Bruddles believes that this ‘fake war’ is actually hugely lucrative from Ukraine’s point of view. “Not only do they offload the upkeep of a large proportion of their population on other countries, but just look at all the interest free loans they are getting to help them ‘fund’ their war,” he says. “On top of all that, once they decide to finish it, they’ll doubtless be handed billions by the international community to ‘rebuild’ their cities – which they demolished themselves!”

Whilst not overtly endorsing Bruddles’ theories, Rowley-Trussock has continued to oppose the idea of the UK taking in significant numbers of Ukrainian refugees. “Refusing to bend the rules for them would be a massive contribution to global peace,” he contends. “It will discourage others from starting wars in order to try and exploit our generosity. Believe me, once these foreigners realise that if they start a war they’ll be expected to see it through in their own home country, then we’ll start to reap a peace dividend from our strong immigration policies.” He rejects completely accusations that he is some kind of heartless sociopath with no sense of compassion. “People have to understand that these refugees are just trying to play on our sympathies – they see our compassion as a weakness,” he explains. “Oh, I know that they seem so appealing, carting all their belongings and kids halfway across Europe, looking confused and lost and that you just can’t help but imagine how good you’ll feel if you give them a home. But believe me, once you’ve had the bastards living rent-free in your property for months and refusing to leave, illegally sub-letting to all their friends and relatives, trashing the place, stealing the neighbours’ wi fi, defrauding the benefits system, dealing drugs and trafficking children, you won’t find them so appealing. They’re Eastern Europeans for God’s sake and we all know what they are like!”

Rowley-Trussock denies that he is in any way racist, asserting that he doesn’t oppose all Eastern Europeans coming to the UK. “I think you’ll find that my record speaks for itself – I’ve been in the forefront of welcoming our Russian friends into this fine country of ours,” he says, proudly. “They are an entirely different breed, of course – they aren’t penniless itinerants looking to abuse our hospitality. On the contrary, I’ve been very impressed by their generosity, buying British assets and properties, thereby guaranteeing British jobs and boosting property prices. I really can’t speak highly enough of them.”