As Tories flounder under Liz Truss, Tory Grandees announce plan to create new ‘unity candidate’ for leader by combining ‘best parts’ of previous leaders into one new MP, Frankenstein monster-style. Critics point to lack of success at previous attempts to create perfect leaders, including android Theresa May and reanimated corpse Jacob Rees-Mogg.
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Government denies Security Service’s ‘honey trap’ scheme – ‘Operation Spanker’s Bonus’ – succeeded in entrapping only Tory MPs rather than foreign agents and domestic security threats. According to spokes person top Tory MP didn’t suffer heart attack while strapped into spanking machine and senior minister not caught off his face on drugs.
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Tory leadership contender Liz Truss appeals to Conservative Party membership by vowing to have head replaced with that of Margaret Thatcher if elected leader. Tory Party scientist outlines bizarre plan to revive Thatcher’s dead head to create ‘perfect Conservative Prime Minister’.
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Activist proposes that arses allegedly grabbed by Tory MP Chris Pincher be immortalised as giant sculptures, as they led to fall of Boris Johnson and ‘saved Britain’. Should one huge pair of cheeks replace Winston Churchill in Parliament Square? Is fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square appropriate permanent home for the other?
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Don’t you know there’s a war on? Ask defenders of Boris Johnson as critics call for his resignation over drunken Downing Street lockdown orgies. Wartime rhetoric invoked as ministers don tin hats, call for black outs and rationing in response to fuel and food shortages caused by ‘the war’ (in Ukraine). Argue Johnson is vital wartime leader the country needs.
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Prime Minister explodes in Commons! Terrorism or spontaneous human combustion? Tory party thrown into chaos amid accusations of witchcraft being behind explosion. While opposition suggests either Boris Johnson exploded from shame or faked own death to escape political problems, others point finger at Labour leader Keir Starmer’s alleged mental powers.
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Don’t you know there’s a war on? Actually no, I didn’t. Sure Ukraine is at war with Russia, but the UK isn’t directly involved, even though Ukraine begins with ‘UK’. But according to the right wing press Boris Johnson is a war leader and therefore shouldn’t be kicked out of office for minor stuff like breaking the law and lying to parliament…
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Are Ukrainians looking to make fortune from war with Russia? Right wing anti-immigration Tory MP claims UK must resist calls to take Ukrainians displaced by war for fear of setting precedent – it could encourage others seeking to migrate here to start wars. Others claim war is actually Ukrainian scam to fleece West of money and arms – invasion completely faked.
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Is Boris Johnson planning to ambush President Putin with cake in order to provoke war as a distraction from ‘partygate’? Is phantom cake-flinger terrorising cabinet ministers? Official investigation into alleged cake attacks dismissed as yet another attempt to distract voters from lockdown parties scandal.
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UK’s top revolutionary claims Johnson’s Tory government guilty of ‘war crimes’ over their mishandling of and profiteering from the pandemic. Outlines elaborate plans for punishing ‘Tory War Criminals’, including holding lottery to decide who gets to publicly kick Boris up the arse in televised Whitehall ceremony.
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Did Boris Johnson fatally crush photocopier in drunken prank at Downing Street Christmas office party? Government rocked by amazing allegations of wild lockdown celebrations. Claims of indecent exposure, criminal damage, violence and office equipment abuse following Prime Minister’s attempt to come down chimney surface.
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Can Boris Johnson’s rippling buttocks power half of London as he has sex? Top scientist proposes radical plan to use Tory sexual misconduct to generate green electricity. New technology will enable Tory MPs bondage sessions to produce energy as they are whipped.
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Is Michael Gove using his hypnotic powers for evil? Journalist claims top Tory using mesmeric gaze to get women to undress, delude voters into voting for Brexit and convincing nation that Boris Johnson is actually Prime Minister. Allegations dismissed as ridiculous by mesmerised media.
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As environmentalist battle to clean up latest porn spillage to hit Britain’s beaches, experts ask if vast quantities of contraband European porn washing up on the coast is result of Brexit? Tory MPS. meanwhile, propose temporary visa scheme to alleviate current Brexit-inspired shortages of continental sex workers and mistresses.
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New book sensationally claims Boris Johnson’s sexual prowess actually a myth. Alleges the Johnson ‘Johnson’ not up to the job. Tabloid story counter claims Prime Minister so rampant that he used recent self-isolation period to stage fourteen day ‘shag fest’ at Chequers.
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Does grainy footage of ‘Westminster Wild Man’ prove Boris Johnson transmutating into sex crazed ape creature? Top academic offers bizarre theory of diabolic pact whereby Prime Minister maintains animal virility as captive ape in his attic takes on his human characteristics!
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