Going to the Dogs

“We were just walking past his front garden when the maniac burst out of the front door waving a shotgun and gunned down my dog,” says Hermione Schiltzer, describing the traumatic incident in Chertsey last week when her pet became the latest casualty in a series of dog killings. “He let poor Herman have it with both barrels! There was next to nothing left of him!” The shooter, sixty three year old retired businessman Horace Camp, is unrepentant over his actions. “I was doing the bloody woman a favour – that furry little bastard was clearly about to attack her! As soon as I saw what was going on, I grabbed my shotgun and rushed to her rescue,” he told the Chertsey Dairy Farmers’ Gazette. “I mean, he might have looked sweet and innocent but believe me, the four legged assassin was getting ready to strike – surely everyone has realised by now that you just can’t trust bloody dogs!” The incident is just the latest in a series of dog killings across the Home Counties, with the perpetrators all claiming either pre-emptive self defence or that they were protecting others from the threat posed by the canines. “Only the other day a woman out walking her dogs in a Guildford park had all four of them beaten to death by a mob wielding sacks full of door knobs,” observes Kellie Hornie, Animal Welfare Correspondent for the Surrey Animal Husbandry Weekly Herald. “Then, a day later, a dog was burned to death in its own garden after growling at a passer by, who returned with a can of petrol and a box of matches!”

The attacks seem to be a response to the growing number of dog attacks being reported in the UK, with hardly a week going by without newspapers carrying stories of animals mauling to death their owners, small children and passing strangers. “Just recently we had that professional dog walker mauled to death by the seven dogs she was walking when they turned on her in a park,” says Bruce Joinks of the Anti-Dog Alliance, which has been campaigning for draconian restrictions on dog ownership for several years. “While the facts of the case are still not entirely clear, it just reinforces my belief that you can’t trust dogs. They might like to masquerade as ‘man’s best friend’, but an alarmingly large number seem to like killing their best friend in unprovoked maulings!” But, as Joinks points out, the pro-dog lobby in the UK is extremely powerful. “The pro-dog propaganda never stops,” he says. “Just you try criticising dogs for what they are, murderous four legged shitting machines, and you’ll find yourself on the receiving end of all manner of hate from dog lovers. ‘They’re so loyal, so intelligent and loving’, they’ll tell you. So loyal they’ll tear your throat out (and probably shit all over your lawn) and so intelligent that they are probably plotting your death right now. They’re nothing but evil.” The innate brutality of dogs is underlined by their willingness to work with the police, Joinks believes. “The fact that they align themselves with the police – who are increasingly being exposed as a bunch of violent racist thugs and rapists – just goes to prove that dogs are natural oppressors, waiting for an opportunity to bite strikers on picket lines and harass ethnic minorities,” he opines. “Not to mention that they are also snitches – just look at how those police sniffer dogs eagerly finger anyone with the slightest trace of drugs on them. Bastards.”

Joinks, not surprisingly, prefers cats to dogs, believing that felines have been deliberately maligned by the pro-dog lobby to try and discredit them as pets. “The fact is that you don’t hear about cats mauling their owners to death, do you? Sure, if you were to die in your house, they’d probably start eating you, but at least they have the decency to wait until you’ve turned your toes up before sinking their teeth in,” he explains. “Cats are victims of much anti-feline propaganda put out by ‘dog people’. If we are to believe these lovers of the canine furry shit factories, the average domestic cat is responsible for decimating wildlife in a ten mile radius of its home. Absolute bullshit – the average cat is too lazy to catch anything, not even a cold. The fact is that you know where you are with a cat: no masquerading as ‘man’s best friend’ – cats are their own best friends and they are friends with you only when it suits them. Plus, they at least cover up their own shit.”

The purpose of the anti-feline propaganda campaign is to encourage more people to adopt dogs as pets instead of cats. “The idea is to infiltrate our homes with these deceivers, pretending to be our best friends while they bide their time, waiting to kill us,” speculates Joinks. “If they had their way, there’d be a dog in every home, preferably in multiple, so as to more efficiently eliminate us all!” Joinks suspects that there is a UK-wide, possibly worldwide, canine conspiracy to kill humanity. “I strongly believe that, over the centuries of human dog ownership, a race of super-intelligent dogs has evolved – secretly soaking up human knowledge as they feigned obedience and loyalty,” he declares. “They pass for ordinary dogs, but are secretly organising the canine nation, preparing for the day when they can give the signal to their brethren to tear out their masters’ throats!” He further speculates that the ’super-dogs’ could be aiming not to entirely wipe out humanity, but to reduce our numbers and cow us into submission so as to turn the tables. “They’ll be the masters and we’ll be the pets,” he says.

But what has triggered the recent spate of dog attacks against humans? Is it, as Joinks claims, the opening salvo in their war against their owners, a series of preliminary operations to test the feasibility of wiping out humanity? Or is there another explanation, not involving a fabled race of ‘super dogs’? “According to some sources, it is all down to batches of dog food manufactured using human flesh,” claims Kellie Hornie. “Apparently, thanks to rampant inflation, it has been cheaper for some manufacturers to source their meat supplies from mortuaries and graveyards than their usual suppliers. Consequently, dogs have been getting a taste for human flesh!” Joinks is unconvinced by the journalist’s thesis, sticking to his belief that dogs are simply evil bastards. “The bottom line here is that dogs are clearly untrustworthy and, quite frankly, the only good dog is a dead dog,” he says. “So go out and shoot one of the homicidal bastards today, before it has a chance to tear your throat out. Even better, beat the bastards to death with an iron bar. It’s the only way the human race is going to survive because, believe me, they’re infiltrating their way into our homes with the aim of wiping us out. The bastards.”