The Immigrants in the Closet

“Have you got a garden shed?  Well, look out, because the Labour government is planning to house asylum seekers who have arrived in the UK on small boats in your garden shed.  That’s right.  Not satisfied with housing them in luxury hotels and mansions, they are now going to start co-opting the nation’s garden sheds, because they are letting so many of the buggers into the country,” declared controversial Reform UK MP Nate Fromage in his regular column in the Daily Excess.  “But that won’t be the end of it – first your garden shed, next your airing cupboard, your closet, your attic space, before you know it, they’ll be housing them under your bed.  Where is it all going to end?” Fromage, who is reportedly on the verge of having the Reform UK whip removed, not because of his inflammatory anti-immigration rhetoric, but supposedly because his popularity amongst the extreme right is threatening to outstrip that of party leader Nigel Farage, has become notorious for his increasingly extreme pronouncements on immigration. Indeed, on numerous occasions  Fromage has described himself as a modern day ‘prophet of the right’, in the mould of Enoch Powell, himself notorious for his ‘Rivers of blood’ immigration speech. “The difference is that I speak in terms that the modern average British person understands,” he has explained. “In order for people to grasp the threat posed to the UK by this immigration invasion, you have have explain what it means for them in practical, personal terms. They don’t care about abstract stuff like the cost to the taxpayer – most of supporters do their best not to pay tax – but tell them how their own homes are under threat, then they’ll start demanding action!”

Expanding on his theme, in his next column Fromage rammed home the message that ordinary Britons were directly under threat from the government’s supposed immigration policies. “If we don’t look out, then Starmer will be forcing you to move into your shed and housing the migrants in your house!”  he wrote. “They’ll be sleeping in your bed, using your bathroom, cooking their unspeakable foreign food in your kitchen and running up your heating and electricity bills while you shiver in that leaky shed.  We’ll be forced into exile in our own country!”  Whilst his claims about the threat to property posed by unchecked immigration drew widespread condemnation, with the government describing them as ‘outrageous’ and ‘totally unfounded’, adding that the government has no plans whatsoever to house immigrants in sheds or under beds, Fromage has subsequently doubled down with his outlandish claims. “Believe me, it gets worse – they’ll also be allowed to have sex with your wife, daughters, sisters, any British woman, in fact, whether they like it or not, because that’s part of their culture and woke human rights says that stopping the immigrants from doing that would be racist and therefore illegal,” he ranted during an interview on right-wing TV ‘news’ channel Bulldog TV.  “What next?  Will we have to tolerate them performing human sacrifices in the street for fear of infringing their religious sensitivities?  What if their culture involves eating our pets?  It was bad enough when those bloody Eastern Europeans were slaughtering swans in duck ponds all over Britain and spit-roasting them in our parks – now it’s our cats, dogs and hamsters under threat!  It’s madness, sheer madness!  If only Reform UK was in power and Nigel Farage prime minister – then we’d see a proper crackdown on these heathen bastards stealing our sheds, homes and women!”

Despite Reform UK’s leadership’s attempts to distance the party from Fromage’s comments, they seem to have struck a chord with many of the party’s avowed supporters, with right-wing radio phone-ins overwhelmed with callers endorsing the MP’s views. “Everything he says is true – the other day, I went to get a spade from my garden shed and found it full of immigrants,” claimed one self-described Reform voter to Nazi FM. “They were packed to the rafters and were cooking some kind of foul food on a hot plate, I think it was a hedgehog – it was a bloody fire hazard, so I got the hosepipe and drenched the whole shed! Then the police arrived and I was the one who got arrested for assault!” Other callers described being woken by strange noises in their houses, only to find hordes of immigrants in their living rooms, sitting on their sofas watching Netflix. “Quite frankly, Nate Fromage is the only one talking sense on this issue,” opined one self-confessed Reform UK supporter during a phone in. “Reform really needs to be listening to him as he’s the only one of their MPs in touch with public opinion. They need to sack that woke bastard Farage and make Fromage their leader, instead!”

Labour MP Chris Stilton isn’t surprised by the enthusiastic reception, in some quarters, for Fromage’s outpourings. “To be honest, his comments, insane though they might seem, aren’t so very different from the sorts of headlines you see in the Mail, Express and Telegraph these days,” he told the Sunday Bystander. “Indeed, the sort of stuff Fromage is coming our with is the only logical place for their increasingly hysterical anti-government, anti-immigrant screaming front pages to go.  Already, not a day goes by that I don’t see one of these rags making some outrageous claim about the government housing asylum seekers in luxury penthouses in Chelsea, or handing them all hundreds of thousands of pounds in cash upon arrival on the beach at Dover.” Stilton acknowledges that with this constant stream of naked and unabashed racism – which merely amplifies what right-wing politicians are already saying – it is inevitable that some sections of the electorate end up forming a highly skewed perception of the issues surrounding immigration. “It really is bloody irresponsible,” he commented. “These sorts of ludicrous headlines and pronouncements would be laughable if this grotesque bile wasn’t fuelling bands of bigots to go around ‘protesting’ outside of hotels accommodating asylum seekers, desperately hoping to provoke some kind of violent confrontation.”

For their part, the right-wing press seems utterly unrepentant. “We’re merely reflecting the opinion of a certain section of readership,” says Daily Excess Home Affairs Editor Rupert Brie. “Besides, controversy sells papers.” Nigel Farage, meanwhile, apparently shaken by the levels of support amongst his own party’s supporters for a change in leadership, is reportedly planning a campaign to shore up his own credentials as a ‘hard line’ anti-immigration campaigner. “He’s already been wandering around the streets of his constituency with a megaphone, bellowing, at close range, ‘Go home!’ at anyone foreign-looking that he encounters,” claims a source inside the party. “He’s also planning a trip to Dover, to throw stones at any small boats he sees arriving on the beach.” Facing possible expulsion from Reform UK. Fromage is said to be contemplating applying to join the Conservative Party, which is currently failing in the polls, despite trying to adopt a more extreme stance on immigration. “It’s hardly a surprising move – they’ve been pretty half-hearted so far in embracing full on fascism with regard to immigration,” muses Stilton. “Fromage could give them the dynamism they need on the issue in order to capture the anti-immigration extremist nutter vote currently monopolised by Reform. Not that it will do them much good in the long run as, while vocal, these nutters are a relatively small constituency. For long-term electoral success, they really need to try and win back some sane voters.”