Mad Scientists

A leading scientist has proposed a radical new solution to the paedophile problem. Dr Philip Gilbert of the Worcester Cryogenics Institute has argued that Britain’s children should be cryogenically frozen until such time as medical researchers devise an effective cure for paedophilia. “Clearly, simply jailing paedophiles does not represent a viable solution. Eventually they have to be released back into society, where they could again pose a threat to children. By placing children in suspended animation we both remove the source of the offenders’ temptation, and ensure that the children themselves are no longer at risk”, Gilbert – who works from his converted garage and has successfully frozen several of his neighbours’ sick and fatally injured pets pending advances in veterinary science – recently told the Western Daily Press. He claims to be developing a revolutionary home-freezing process, which he plans to market to worried parents. “They will be able to freeze their children in the safety of their own home, keeping them indefinitely in an ordinary freezer cabinet”, says Gilbert. “However, I’m confident that parents wouldn’t have to keep them in suspended animation for more than twenty to thirty years before medical science successfully develops a treatment which will rid us of the scourge of paedophilia.”

Indeed, a former colleague of Dr Gilbert, self-styled geneticist Professor Ernest Ramsey, is already working on a possible treatment. “The answer could be to develop a genetically modified subspecies of midget humans, who, even when they reach adulthood, resemble children”, the wild-haired geneticist explained from his garden-shed laboratory. “Paedophiles would then be able to legally satisfy their unholy sexual urges by having sexual relations with such childlike adults!” Far from being welcomed, Gilbert and Ramsey’s proposals have been condemned by a leading Tory MP who has long claimed that, far from being beneficial, scientific research actually poses a major threat to the UK. “Sheep cloning, genetically modified foods, mice with ears on their backs, and now this! Scientists cannot be trusted. Despite trying to portray themselves as benevolent pipe-smoking eccentric uncles, they are by nature mad and amoral fiends hell-bent on world domination”, says Shadow Science Minister Harry Johnson. “I have no doubt that this is part of some devilish plan to repopulate the world with their soulless childlike love slaves. The next thing you know they’ll be attempting to raise the dead and creating evil clones of the Queen Mother. It is time to ban science teaching in schools and imprison all mad scientists.”

The scientific community has been quick to condemn Johnson’s comments, pointing out that the majority of scientists are not, like Gilbert and Ramsey, lone rogues working from damp rat-infested basement laboratories, but actually work under close supervision in industry or academic institutions. They have also pointed out that Gilbert and Ramsay’s scientific qualifications are highly questionable, having allegedly been obtained by mail order from a ‘university’ in Memphis. Moreover, several of Gilbert’s customers have called the quality of his work into question. “He froze my late husband’s unusually large penis for me”, says one anonymous female client. “He said that it would be perfectly safe to use it as a dildo and that it would keep in the ice-box of my fridge. Well, the first time I used it, it was so cold I got frost-bite between my legs. When I tried to keep it in the fridge, it began to thaw and went all green and limp. There was no way I could pleasure myself with that!”

According to New Scientist magazine, the last documented case of a mad scientist in Britain was in 1968, when Larry Jones, a lab technician working in a North London secondary school, developed a ‘growth ray’ in a makeshift lab he had built in his mother’s coal bunker. Jones had originally intended to use this device to increase the size of his penis. However, embittered after he found that his now six foot long penis could not sustain an erection, he instead threatened to create a race of giant newts with the ray and terrorise London with them. Before he could carry out this threat, Jones fell victim to a tragic accident when his huge and ungainly penis knocked over a flask full of combustible chemicals. Whilst most believe that he perished in the resulting explosion which destroyed his lab, many still claim to see the now hideously fire-scarred scientist dragging his oversized genitals around the back streets of London by night.  However, leading conspiracy theorist Sam Nodger has some sympathy with Johnson, but believes he is wrong to identify mad scientists as the main threat. “The true threat emanates from government scientists, those sinister researchers who work on bizarre government-sanctioned human experiments in secret state-sponsored labs”, he told The Sleaze. “Personally, I believe that Gilbert and Ramsey are actually a front for a top secret government scheme to freeze our children and sell them to alien paedophiles!”

Nodger alleges that government scientists have long been conspiring with alien perverts and pornographers. “According to my sources, the messages beamed from Jodrell Bank radio telescope in the 1970s in an attempt to contact aliens was in fact a stream of encoded hardcore porn”, says Nodger. “The aliens initially responded with a series of erotic crop circles, including that one in Dorset in 1992 shaped like a huge penis and balls, and that magnificent pair of breasts in a Westbury field in 1995. Of course, these were suppressed by the authorities.”

The sudden influx of alien sexual tourists began to prove problematic. “There were reports of cigar shaped spaceships kerb crawling in the red-light districts of Milton Keynes and Lowestoft. There were also several instances of alien child-molesters wearing raincoats and false moustaches hanging around schools, attempting to lure young children into their flying saucers with bags of sweets”, he confides. “Consequently, government scientists came to an agreement whereby they allowed the aliens to abduct and sexually abuse earth people, in exchange for a supply of intergalactic porn and sex aids.” By secretly exploiting extraterrestrial sex-technology scientists have allegedly developed a cure for premature ejaculation, a method of keeping erections up indefinitely and a technique for inducing four hour long orgasms. Nevertheless, their development hasn’t been without casualties. “One of my sources is a serviceman who was used as a test subject at their secret sex lab in Hounslow”, Nodger told us. “He claims that their penile arousal enhancement experiments resulted in his testicles exploding – luckily they were able to grow him a new pair using alien technology, but he’s scared to use them as they glow in the dark!”