As Tories flounder under Liz Truss, Tory Grandees announce plan to create new ‘unity candidate’ for leader by combining ‘best parts’ of previous leaders into one new MP, Frankenstein monster-style. Critics point to lack of success at previous attempts to create perfect leaders, including android Theresa May and reanimated corpse Jacob Rees-Mogg.
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Top political scientist claims new formula will allow left to get in touch with ‘inner nastiness’ to better fight the Tories, the so called ‘Nasty Party’. Claims credit for Labour leader’s recent fiery conference speech amid fears that his potion could turn Keir Starmer into top-hatted, cape wearing murderous evil alter ego who beats poor children to death with cane.
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With raw sewage threatening to swamp Britain’s beaches, new service to combat brown menace announced. As authorities make plans for hazmat clad lifeguards to rescue effluent engulfed swimmers, environmentalists warn of threat from crap-mutated giant sea creatures if water companies don’t stop discharging raw sewage into the sea.
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Tory leadership contender Liz Truss appeals to Conservative Party membership by vowing to have head replaced with that of Margaret Thatcher if elected leader. Tory Party scientist outlines bizarre plan to revive Thatcher’s dead head to create ‘perfect Conservative Prime Minister’.
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Government defends decision to scale down giant monster attack defences, claiming threat of such attacks has now receded and Britons must learn to live with monsters. Critics allege government’s indiscriminate use of nuclear weapons as primary defence – following failure of expensive private sector initiatives – caused mutations driving continued waves of the creatures.
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Paranormal Investigator, Exorcist and Agony Aunt The Reverend Leonard Fanny advises readers on their supernatural problems. This time, a sex therapist is having trouble with an attack of the crabs – giant mutated pubic lice – that he has inadvertently let loose upon an English seaside resort, causing carnal chaos. Can the Rev help?
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Can Boris Johnson’s rippling buttocks power half of London as he has sex? Top scientist proposes radical plan to use Tory sexual misconduct to generate green electricity. New technology will enable Tory MPs bondage sessions to produce energy as they are whipped.
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Is the UK government’s policy of allowing raw sewage to be dumped into the country’s rivers creating deadly mutated beasts spawned from the bowels of Britain? Scientists warn Britons could soon face terror of being pursued by huge bipedal turds. Giant toilet rolls prepared as defensive measures.
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Did Dracula end his days as a drug addled vagrant on the streets of London? New book claims legendary bloodsucker brought low after imbibing blood of coked up City types during 1980s. Also alleges Frankenstein’s monster now a cripple due to dodgy organ transplants and mummy hit with reincarnation restraining order.
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Cow dung promoted as ‘natural’ cure for Covid as anti-vaxxers make last stand in face of successful vaccine roll-out. Critics of movement call for sanctions against dangerous cranks, proposing those refusing vaccine be forced to ring bells and shout ‘Unclean’ to warn public of their approach.
Read MoreParanormal Investigator, Exorcist and Agony Aunt The Reverend Leonard Fanny advises readers on their supernatural problems. This time, a mad scientist finds himself cuckolded by his priapic alter-ego, released by imbibing his own experimental erectile dysfunction treatment. Can the Rev help?
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British public warned of existence of a new, more virulent strain of Boris Johnson. Women warned to stay at home as new slicker, less buffoonish Boris mutation poses greater threat of impregnation. Boris Johnson deniers dismiss new variant as ‘scare tactic’, claim original is actually shaved ape.
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Did the Queen spend lock down engaged in sex and drug fueled orgies in her Windsor Castle bunker? Wild tabloid tales of naked ladies-in-waiting engaged in gladitorial contests and soap stars forced to perform shows live and at gun point emerge.
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Have experimental Covid treatments turned Donald Trump into ravening beast? Top scientists express fears that side effects from untested drugs could have transformed President into troglodyte, flesh hungry cannibal eating his way through White House staff or, worse, a black man. Supporters fear the worst.
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Should anti-vaxxers, covid deniers, coronavirus conspiracy theorists and general covidiots be exiled to remote island in hope they will infect each other and die? Or should they be put on redundant cruise ships and torpedoed by Navy? Right-wing snowflakes aghast at suggestions made by top academic and Labour MP to resolve covidiot threat.
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Has the real Boris Johnson been replaced by clones? Journalist posits incendiary theory that Prime Minister actually died of Covid-19 and cloned by Tory Party to avoid public panic. As many as three Boris clones claimed to be on loose.
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