Off The Wrist: Uri Gellar

Here we are again in the fascinating world of celebrity wanking. Following our investigations into the rub-a-tug fantasies of pop icons Marc Bolan and John Lennon, we now turn our attentions to world famous mystic and cutlery bender Uri Gellar.

Of course, Gellar’s extraordinary mental powers extend far beyond mere spoon bending. On a 1996 TV programme hosted by bikini-clad former Page Three girl Melinda Messenger, Gellar claimed to have induced simultaneous erections in over three million male viewers merely by the power of his mind. However, these same powers have often caused him problems in the snake milking department, with his penis sometimes bending into strange shapes. According to an unidentified source at Gellar’s local casualty department, the mystic has been admitted there seven times in the past two years with bizarre dislocations of his purple pearler. On one memorable occasion, Doctors found Gellar’s todger entwined with a twisted fork. Another time, they found its head embedded in a purple crystal. Amongst Gellar’s most incredible claims is that whenever he has an erection at home, his TV can receive Channel Five.

These strange side-effects are not confined to Gellar. Apparently his powers can induce similar activity on the part of other people’s members. His former neighbour recently told a Sunday newspaper that he had once woken up in the middle of the night screaming in agony, to find his penis tied in a knot. Poltergeist activity has also been known to accompany Gellar’s T-bone tugging sessions. Indeed, entire drawers of cutlery have been found bent out of shape and, after one particularly satisfying wank on Gellar’s part, several televisions exploded. “I blame that Gellar git”, a local resident raged. “Every time he wanks off it spells chaos for the whole neighbourhood!”

According to sources close to Gellar, the Israeli mentalist often likes to indulge in masturbatory fantasies where his penis takes on astounding mystical powers of its own. Sometimes he likes to see it as a pendulum, being dangled over various objects to determine their composition. According to the nature of the material involved, his member gently rotates in a clockwise or anti-clockwise direction. When it detects gold, it rotates four times clockwise before springing up in a huge erection at the moment of ejaculation. Naturally, Gellar likes to imagine his pecker spewing forth a river of liquid gold at this moment. Another favourite tug fantasy of the champion bender involves him using his wab as a dowsing rod. In this fantasy he allegedly imagines himself in a field, naked, clasping his penis firmly in his hands, like a water diviner. As he strides around the field, his knob begins to twitch as he approaches hidden springs. The closer he gets, the more violent the twitching becomes and the firmer he has to grip his bulging John Thomas. Finally, as he is directly above the water source, it springs out of his hands and ejaculates a huge spume of water. In a variation on this fantasy, it is claimed that Gellar sometimes imagines himself walking through a field full of beautiful women. As he points his divining rod at them, they collapse into paroxysms of sexual ecstasy, moaning his name.

Some have claimed that Gellar sees his penis as a channel for ancient earth forces and he once claimed that it lay at the convergence of several important ley lines. The climax of his masturbatory fantasies certainly seems to have mystical connotations. “When I ejaculate it is not just a matter of jism flying across the room!”, he told Fortean Times. ” I see a rainbow of psychic auras arcing away from my penis! When the jism lands, it forms into crystals with amazing properties!” So, do Uri Gellar’s masturbatory fantasies confirm his status as one of history’s truly great mystics, or are they just a load of old bollocks? We let you decide.