Plastic Girls

“These breasts could be the salvation of print journalism,” declares Sam Whimpler, features editor of top tabloid The Shite. “Believe me, this is an innovation on a par with the invention of Page Three when it comes to boosting sales!” The journalist was speaking at the launch of his paper’s controversial new promotion which promises to add a whole new dimension to the topless girls featured on its inside pages. “From now on, every Page Three feature will be accompanied by a unique code which, when entered on our website, will allow subscribers to download to their 3-D printers a program to print out a three dimensional, life size, replica of that day’s girl’s breasts,” he explained. “By using the right coloured plastics, they’ll look completely lifelike. Alternatively, we’ll provide an accurate colour scheme with the download, so that they can be painted – we recommend acrylic paints for the most authentic finish.” Whimpler claims that providing the tabloid’s readers with the ability to actually grope their Page Three girl’s breasts in the privacy of their own homes, without the risk of ending up on the sex offenders’ register, will put them streets ahead of their competitors in circulation terms. “That’s the beauty of the scheme – if you want to cop a feel of our delicious dollys’ juicy pairs, then you’ll have to buy the physical paper to get the code,” he enthused at the launch. “Even then, without a subscription to our site, the code will be useless!”

Critics of the promotion have questioned its value, pointing out that the number of Shite readers likely to have a 3-D printer is unlikely to be sufficient to significantly boost the tabloid’s sales. “It’s nothing more than a publicity stunt,” opines Geoffrey Strangler, deputy media correspondent of broadsheet the Sunday Bystander. “ A pretty vulgar and reprehensible stunt at that, which takes the objectification of women to new extremes. I also find it ironic that at a time when the Prime Minister – whose party The Shite endorsed at the last election – is proposing a crackdown on internet porn, the paper is proposing to download women’s breasts!” Whimpler sees no contradiction between his paper’s new promotion and its support for the government’s internet porn restrictions. “Well, obviously we want people’s access to online smut restricted – it’s unfair competition, for God’s sake,” he declares. “When people can get that sort of stuff for free, why should they buy our newspaper for a look at some bare knockers? As for comparing our promotion to internet porn, that’s outrageous! The Prime Minister is worried about young children inadvertently seeing online filth – you can only download our breasts if you are a subscriber and our site won’t allow sign ups unless you specifically declare that you are over eighteen!” Whimpler also dismisses Strangler’s claims regarding 3-D printer ownership. “These devices are becoming cheaper every day, some are already within the reach of readers at the upper end of our target demographic,” he asserts. “Besides, we’re also running a parallel promotion offering discounts on these printers for our readers, plus a chance to win one in an exclusive competition – just match the right boobs to the right model and you’ll have the chance to get your hands on all of them in 3-D!”

Reaction from readers with 3-D printers who have so far downloaded their daily breasts seems to be positive. “You never realise just how big they are until you are face-to-face with them, so to speak,” twenty eight year old IT worker Darren Goyter – who downloaded Luscious Lucy’s (age twenty one from Ruislip) 36DD bust from last Tuesday’s paper – commented on The Shite’s website. “They are surprisingly realistic, but a bit fiddly to actually print. You have to do the nipples separately with a different coloured plastic, then attach them yourself. It would have been better if they’d printed in one piece.” Other readers have praised the ‘wipe clean’ properties of the plastic the breasts are moulded from. “You can use them over and over again – no matter what spills all over them, it never leaves a stain,” commented an anonymous subscriber. However, The Shite’s main rival, The Daily Norks, has been highly critical of the downloadable breasts. “They only seem realistic to the sort of poor bastards who read The Shite – sad virgins still living at home with their mothers,” Ed Grip, Entertainment Editor of The Daily Norks told a specially convened press conference this morning. “The plastic you have to use to print them is hard and unyielding – quite unlike the real thing. They are far too rigid, never changing shape, no matter how you orientate them, although that is probably a pretty accurate representation of the silicon-enhanced knockers sported by the kind of girls they feature on Page Three!”

According to Grip, the Norks’ response to The Shite’s downloadable breasts will be far more realistic, not to mention extensive. “Not only will we be offering readers the chance to mould their breasts from more lifelike feeling plastic, but they will also be far more flexible – if you’ve ever handled a real pair, you’ll be hard pressed to tell the difference,” declared the newspaper man, as a film of a blindfolded man groping first a topless model’s breasts, then a life size 3-D printed replica of them, unable to differentiate between them, played behind him. “Best of all – we won’t just be offering breasts! We’ll be offering the chance to download just about any part of our girls’ anatomy!” Grip claimed that every inch of the Norks’ models has been minutely scanned and digitised in order that any part of them can be accurately reproduced on a 3-D printer. “Our readers will be able to construct their own, anatomically correct, plastic women,” explains Grip. “Indeed, they’ll be able to mix and match bits from different models to create their perfect woman!”

Moreover, Grip revealed that it wouldn’t just be Page Three girls that readers would be able to reconstruct. “We’ll soon be offering a range of female celebrity bits for those with a premium membership to our website to download and print in plastic,” he explained. “You’ll be able to construct your ideal celebrity woman. I mean, whilst you might want to get your hands on Kylie Minogue’s pert arse, you might prefer that to be combined with the more ample bosom of, say, Pamela Anderson, rather than Kylie’s more petite knockers.” However, the schemes of both tabloids could yet be scuppered by legal action, with lawyers for several female celebrities attempting to secure injunctions against the Norks reproducing their clients’ private parts in 3-D. “It is quite clear that Sandra Bullock holds complete intellectual property rights over her breasts,” top Hollywood attorney Melvin Lipsmack told the Sunday Bystander. “It is our contention that she is entitled to royalties every time they are replicated, groped and slobbered over by some gross pervert.” The Shite’s Page Three girls are similarly claiming that the physical reproduction of their breasts isn’t covered by their contracts and have already organised a protest outside the paper’s Wapping offices, with topless girls waving placards reading “Hands off our knockers”. Despite talks between the newspaper and the models, there is still no agreement in sight.