Rudy’s Hardcore Hard Drive

“So, the other day this bloke from Preston contacted me – apparently he runs a computer repair shop and he reckons that he’s got Rudy Guiliani’s old laptop,” claims Jake Nutler, Chief Investigative Reporter at the East Sussex Exchange and Mart, speaking to his local BBC radio station about his latest scoop. “Yeah, really. He told me that the former New York mayor and personal attorney to President Trump, had come to his shop, in Lancashire, and sold him this second hand laptop. Yeah, I know Guiliani in Preston? In the middle of a pandemic, with Tier Three restrictions likely to be applied there at any moment? Obviously I had doubts, but the guy assured me that it was definitely him – not only did the laptop have Rudy’s initials -RG – burned into its plastic casing, but he described the guy who sold it to him as ‘this bald American guy with a really yappy voice’.” The thirty two year old part-time journalist admitted that he still wasn’t convinced by the story. “I mean, just why would he go all the way to Preston to sell an old laptop? Surely they must have second hand computer stores in New York?” he says. “But the guy said that maybe Guiliani had just been worried that if he sold it in New York, it might fall into the wrong hands and be used for political purposes – just look at what had happened to Hunter Biden’s alleged old laptop.”

Finally convinced that he might be onto something, Nutler told of how he pressed his contact for more details. “Well, he went on to tell me that he was contacting me because he knew that, as a serious investigative journalist – he’d heard all about my expose of the Bexhill-on-Sea pensioner prostitution racket – I might be interested in the contents of the hard drive. This he claimed, was just chock full of gay porn – big naked guys with muscles, all oiled up and performing various acts!” Obviously, while there is nothing illegal about owning gay pornography, it seemedto nutler to be an odd thing for a former Mayor of New York and personal lawyer to President Trump to have on a laptop. “I mean, it’s not like he had kiddie porn all over it – he’s not a Tory MP, for God’s sake – now, that would be a story,” opines the reporter. “Nonetheless, it did seem strange for someone in his position to have a hard drive full of – there surely had to be a reason for all that gay smut.”

Nutler’s first thought that was maybe the men featured were prominent Democrat politicians that Guiliani had been collecting dirt on. “It is the sort of thing that you could imagine the Trump administration being into,” he muses. “Playing to the evangelical right by exposing opponents as alleged ‘deviants’, but the computer guy said that he didn’t recognise any of them as being public figures in the US.” A US colleague, however, believes that he might be able to provide the missing pieces to the hardcore hard drive puzzle. “Remember that press conference Guiliani held on Trump’s behalf? You know, the one in the parking lot of the Four Seasons Total Landscaping company in Philadelphia, where he made all those baseless accusations about election fraud? How everybody joked about how it was next door to a porn shop?” Bob Frigg of the Milwaukee Beer Review excitedly told The Sleaze. “Well, it was no coincidence that they chose that location – the porn store was key to it all! Rudy Guiliani is up to his neck in this filth!” According to the American investigative journalist Guiliani is involved in the production of gay porn movies – on the orders of Donald Trump.

“The fact is that Trump is broke – his tax returns confirmed this! The trouble is that he needs money to fight these fake election rigging cases in court, not to mention future charges he might face when he leaves office,” alleges Frigg. “So, right now, he has a two track approach to raising funds: on the one hand there’s the public, above board, campaign to raise funds from supporters, on the other, there’s this below the table, anything goes, campaigns, which include raising money through stuff like making gay porn movies.” Frigg claims that the press conference was actually held at the landscaping company simply because it was close to the porn shop, which Guiliani had been visiting in an attempt to set up a distribution deal. “That’s why he had all that gay porn on his hard drive,” he explains. “They were guys that he had been auditioning for these films – which, for all we know, the bastards are filming in the White House. So, if you see one of these movies featuring some guy taking it up the keister while bent over the desk in what looks like the Oval Office, well, you’ll know that it was made by these sick bastards!”

Griggs has been unable to produce any hard evidence to back up his extraordinary claims which, so far, no newspaper have been prepared to print. He hopes, though, that the hard drive offered to Nutler might provide the breakthrough he needs. Nutler, though, has revealed that, despite running the story in his local newspaper, he hasn’t seen the hard drive or its contents himself. “Obviously, I was intrigued by what the Preston computer guy told me and, in exchange for an appropriate remuneration he agreed to send me the hard drive,” he says. “Except that it still hasn’t arrived. I’ve contacted the computer guy a couple of times and, the first time, he assured me that he posted it, the second time his number seemed to have been disconnected. Clearly, it has been lost in the post. Still, I’m sure that, like those Hunter Biden documents that Fox News lost in the post, it will turn up – we’ll just have to wait for the Post Office to sort themselves out…” In the meantime, the fact that Rudy Guiliani hasn’t so far sued the East Sussex Exchange and Mart has reassured him that his claims must be true.