Sex Pest From Beyond the Stars

Welcome to our semi-regular feature – Ask the Rev – where leading paranormal expert and ordained priest (in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist) Reverend Leonard Fanny addresses our readers’ supernatural personal problems. This time the Rev’s expertise is required in a case of  a ‘Sex Pest From Beyond the Stars’.

Dear Reverend,

While I realise that my problem falls somewhat outside of you usual parish, as it doesn’t concern the supernatural, I’m at a loss as to who else to turn to. To cut a long story short, I find myself at the mercy of an alien sex pest. This being invades my home night after night, demanding sex from me. I’ve tried changing the locks and barring the windows to no avail – he still seems able to enter my premises at will. I’ll be lying in bed asleep, then, at around three in the morning, I’ll see a brilliant light outside the window as he pulls up in his flying saucer. Next thing, he’s in the room, climbing into bed with me. To be honest, it isn’t the sex I mind. He is fabulously well endowed with half a dozen glowing green penises which, quite literally, light me up when he enters me. In fact, it is the best sex I’ve ever had, climaxing in an orgasmic trip which is like a cross between the ‘star gate’ in 2001: A Space Odyssey and sitting on an Indesit washing machine set to ‘Heavy Spin’. Moreover, having six penises, if one starts to ‘wilt’ then he just switches to another. Consequently, his stamina is unearthly. No, it is the kinky stuff I object to, when he takes me aboard his spaceship. Not only does he seem to like to strap me to examination tables and the like naked, but he then also likes to use his ‘devices’ on me. The worst of these is a kind of probe that he insists on sticking up my rectum. To be quite frank, I’ve never liked anal – but despite my protestations he persists in this behaviour. He also likes me to have sex in front of him with one of his friends – I assume it is a ‘friend’, it could be a pet – a horrible slimy thing that sticks its tentacles in my every orifice. Again, I’ve never been comfortable with this sort of group sex. Unfortunately, during these sessions I am powerless to resist, as he has me under the influence of some sort of hypnotic ray. I am at a loss as to how to make it clear that I simply don’t enjoy this aspect of our relationship.

Miss O Thwackit, Upper Nooker

The Rev Replies: Well, this is quite an extraordinary tale. While not involving the supernatural, it doesn’t necessarily fall outside of my remit. After all, even aliens are part of god’s creation and therefore subject to His ministry. I think it important to emphasise that, as with any relationship, boundaries have to be set and any non-consensual activity is most certainly unacceptable. You must be firm with your lover as to what you will and won’t do. Perhaps you could insist that before you assent to the, as you call it, ‘kinky stuff’, that he indulge in some ‘role reversal’, where he is strapped to your kitchen table naked as you probe him with a cheese grater or some other kitchen implement, before forcing him to have sex with next door’s dog. That said, however, I cannot help but feel that, despite the fantastic ‘regular’ sex you are enjoying with your extraterrestrial visitor, there is an element of coercion in his use of his hypnotic ray. Indeed, I strongly suspect that this an unhealthy exploitative relationship, whereby he is using you for research pursuant to an invasion of the earth. In which case you should contact the authorities in order that the military be able to ambush him next time he calls and blast his space ship to pieces with tanks and missiles. I hope that this is of some help to you.

The Rev will be back soon to give more advice on your paranormal problems. So, if your sex life is a hump in the night or you find yourself nocturnally plagued by the attentions of a spectral groper, drop us a line.

(The Rev is also available for weddings, christenings and exorcisms, the latter only on Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons).