Statue Shaggers

“I could have been killed when that bloody thing came through my ceiling, it was lucky that I wasn’t in bed myself,” declares thirty six year old Mary Clodder, describing the moment a stolen statue crashed through her bedroom ceiling. “It carried right on through – crushing my bed before crashing through the floor into the downstairs flat – which luckily wasn’t occupied!” Clodder at first thought that it was just her upstairs neighbour’s bed which had come through the ceiling, before she looked down the hole it had created, into the wreckage of the flat below. “There was a figure in the debris – at first I thought it was a body, then I realised it was outsized and made of stone,” the Eastbourne resident told the Daily Norks. “Then I heard this noise from above and there was the guy from upstairs, naked and clinging on to the edge of the hole in my ceiling.” It transpired that the statue was one of Winston Churchill, which had vanished from a site in London, following a Black Lives Matter (BLM) protest. “According to the police, it had been assumed that it had been toppled and destroyed by the protestors,” says Clodder. “But here it was, tangled in the remains of a double bed owned by the bloke from upstairs.”

The upstairs neighbour, fifty one year old Derek Firk, subsequently admitted to the police that he had been attempting to make love to the statue, when the combination of its weight and his exertions caused it and the bed to fall through Clodder’s ceiling. “Apparently he’s some kind of fetishist who can only get a sexual thrill from stone effigies,” Clodder explains. “Of course, the question is, how did he manage to steal the bloody thing and smuggle it into his flat on his own? I can’t help but suspect that he’s actually part of some sort of statue shagging ring.” Indeed, the Daily Norks’ Chief Investigative Reporter, Tony Gipp, claims that his investigations have revealed that Firk has ‘form’ for the molestation of statues. “He was bound over after being caught fondling the buttocks of a statue of Maggie Thatcher last year,” he says. “He climbed up onto its pedestal in full view of the public, gripped its buttocks and started thrusting his pelvis against it. The police tried to charge him with criminal damage or public indecency, but there wasn’t a mark on the statue and he didn’t actually get his tackle out during the assault.” Moreover, he has found that Firk is a member of a number of shady right-wing groups, including one that claimed to be dedicated to ‘protecting’ Britain’s statues from protestors.

“While they claimed to simply be patriotic Britons, dedicated to preserving of political heritage by preventing statues of the likes of Churchill from vandalism, there’s always been something just a bit creepy about them, “ we writes in the tabloid. “The sort of outrage they summon up in condemnation of the tearing down of statues just seems to be out of all proportion. They’re inanimate objects, for God’s sake – why get so worked up about it? All that anger over violence to chunks of stone and/or metal – these people act as if a real, flesh and blood, individual had been molested!” The reporter also notes that the way such groups rally to protect these statues appears very proprietorial, as if they feel some kind of ownership over them. “Like a possessive husband, perhaps?” he observes. “Could it be that that their interest in these statues isn’t driven by civic duty, or a passion for the ideals they represent or even respect for the historical figures they depict, but rather by sexual desire?” Gipp points out that it isn’t unheard of for people to develop sexual fixations on inanimate objects. “Every so often you hear of someone ‘marrying’ a building or a bridge,” he says. “Feeling sexual desire for a statue in the image of human being would actually seem more understandable.”

Gipp believes that the toppling of statues by supposed protestors is actually a cover for the nefarious activities of theses statue shaggers. “I mean, what happens to those statues after they are toppled?” he muses. “I know that we’re told that they get taken to museums for ‘safe keeping’, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if some, at least, were to turn up in the beds of these right-wing statue fetishists.” According to Gipp, in one incident in the US a group of these fetishists blacked up and pretended to be BLM activists, in an attempt to topple a statue, then spirit away, leaving the real BLM to take the blame. “Unfortunately for the fetishists, the statue fell on one of them, fatally injuring him – that’s how the authorities knew they weren’t really BLM, the boot polish came off oof his face when the paramedics gave him mouth-to-mouth,” he says. “Still, he did die with a look of ecstasy on his face, with the statue’s head resting on his groin.”

Gipp’s researches have uncovered some of the unsavoury sexual practices of the statue shaggers. “Often, the purloined statues are whisked away for ‘stone orgies’, where, in a sexual frenzy, they grope, lick and caress the stolen statue,” he claims. “Other times, they have fetish parties, where they dress the statue up in women’s underwear. But much of the time they really do just take them to bed in order to shag them.” One fetishist, who agreed to speak to Gipp anonymously, has tried to explain the attraction of having sex with statues. “It varies a lot, from individual to individual,” they explained. “For some it is the firmness and coldness of the stone effigy that creates the turn on – those firm breasts and buttocks that, unlike flesh, will never age and sag. For others it is the allure of having a compliant lover that never resists or complains – instead just lying there serene and enigmatic, no matter what you do to them.” The anonymous fetishist also claimed that for a significant number of their fellow fetishists the thrill comes from imagining that they are having sex with the real subject of the statue. Gipp believes that this was the case with Firk. “For him, it was an opportunity to imagine that he was making love to his favourite right-wing icons,” he opines. “But in a form that ensured that they were as hard and unyielding as he imagined the real things were in life.” Firk himself reportedly remains unrepentant over the incident which has seen him facing charges of criminal damage and theft, apparently telling police that his only regret was that he hadn’t drilled a convenient hole in Churchill’s marble buttocks, as he’d dislocated his penis thrusting against them.