Son of Bollocks

A former News of the World executive has angrily denied that the now defunct paper attempted to set up the kidnapping of former Spice Girl Haliwell. “Such an allegation is utterly insane,” says a spokesman for publisher News International. “Who in their right mind would pay money to get her back?” The Sunday tabloid’s owners have rejected claims that it had planned to use the kidnapping as a circulation boosting gimmick – possibly by threatening to release the self-styled singer if sales didn’t increase by at least 10%. They have also poured scorn on suggestions that an alternative plan involved readers pledging money to charity in order to prevent Miss Haliwell’s release from captivity. “I can also state quite categorically that the newspaper never prepared plans to run a weekly competition, asking readers to nominate which celebrity they would most like kidnapped and to name a suitable ransom,” says the spokesman.

The now defunct News of the World is also one of several tabloids denying that they had ever run a campaign to discredit the public image of Heather McCartney in the wake of her divorce from former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney. “At no time did we ever suggest that she had actually cut off her own leg and eaten it as part of her initiation into a bizarre cult,” said a legal advisor for The Mirror. “Nor did we ever imply that she was hell bent on converting strict vegetarian Sir Paul to cannibalism, thereby desecrating the memory of his late wife Linda.” For their part, the McCartney’s have denied that their marriage has instigated a new fashion craze of ‘Amputee Chic’ as fellow celebs and fans seek to emulate glamourous Lady Heather by lopping off their own arms and legs. “The McCartneys cannot be held responsible for any acts of self-mutilation carried out by mentally disturbed individuals – even if they were listening to a Wings album at the time,” asserted the couple’s press officer, adding that Sir Paul’s daughter Stella was most definitely not planning to introduce a new range of designer axes and scalpels as fashion accessories.

In business news, jovial chubby Greek stereotype Stelios, owner of EasyGroup, has vehemently denied suggestions in certain tabloids that his next venture would be EasyTerror – a service designed to make bombings and mass murder headache free for terrorists. “This is outrageous – what do they think I am? Some kind of opportunist who would cynically try to profit from any potential new market? Although, I cannot deny that the rapid growth in international terrorism would rather neatly counterbalance the decline in tourism since September 11, if properly exploited… Anyway, you can tell the racist bastards that I’ve never worked on a kebab van either,” the tycoon apparently did not recently tell reporters.

He described as ‘offensive’ suggestions that he was planning to offer special deals for terrorists using his airlines to fly to their targets – suicide bombers would not get a special ‘no return’ discount and a special luggage allowance for their explosives. He also dismissed speculation that he was planning a special ‘one stop’ on line shopping service for armchair terrorists where they could purchase all the firearms, bombs and chemical/biological agents they would ever need and even arrange to have them delivered directly to the target.

For his part, rival celebrity entrepreneur Sir Richard Branson has denied that he ever planned to compete with EasyTerror by buying out near-defunct Irish terrorist outfit the IRA and re-branding them Virgin Terror. “This is a flagship terror organisation and it still has life in it – the government cannot let it be phased out! How else can Britain hope to compete in the international terror game?” he denies saying, adding that he also never suggested that the IRA should drop its Catholic affiliation and Irish Republican agenda so as to broaden its appeal and boost membership.

If you have any unsubstantiated rumours, grainy videos, out of focus and obviously faked photos or dubious tape recordings concerning the debauched behaviour of celebrities, send them to us at the usual e-mail address. Remember, just because its not true doesn’t mean its a lie, it could just be – Total Bollocks!