Sweet and Saviour

Whilst sightings of Elvis Presley working in local fish and chip shops since his death are commonplace, Our Saviour Himself – Jesus Christ – has been notable by his absence, despite his loyal followers being promised a comeback from beyond the grave in his 2000th year. However, astounding news has reached The Sleaze from London, where the Son of Man has been sighted working in a burger bar. Dwayne Dix, assistant manager of a West London branch of MacDonald’s claims that for over a month early this year the Son of God was employed there. “At first I didn’t recognise him,” Dix – who knew him only as JC – told The Sleaze, “I just thought he was another scruffy long-haired hippy-student type, with one of those fashionable silly goatee beards – but it quickly became obvious that he was no ordinary crew-member!”

Dix first suspected JC’s true nature during a late-night rush one Friday. “We were running low on provisions and I thought we’d have to close early and turn people away. There seemed to be thousands of post-pub revellers coming in and I was worried that they might turn ugly” , said Dix. But to his amazement JC just kept the burgers flowing, keeping the customers happy and avoiding a potential riot. “I was flabbergasted”, says Dix, “When I’d last checked there were only a couple of bread buns and a filet o’ fish left. It was a miracle!” The mysterious stranger’s powers of fasting also drew Dwayne’s attention. “Not once during the whole forty days he worked here did I see him give in to temptation and eat the food here, even though he was entitled to free on-duty meals”, Dix mused. JC apparently also exhibited healing powers. “Once another crew-member dropped the meat from a quarter-pounder on the floor. Normally we’d have to throw it away for hygiene reasons, but JC placed his hand on it and it miraculously became perfectly clean again! There was no trace of any dirt on it at all!” Nevertheless, in line with company policy and environmental health regulations, Dwayne did not serve the meat to the public, instead consuming it himself in his meal-break burger. Dix finally confronted JC with his suspicions when he noticed that the extraordinary crew-member had the stigmata on his hands. “He at first tried to laugh them off, claiming that they were scars from an accident with the broiler when he worked at a Wimpy Bar!” Dwayne recollects. However, JC finally conceded that they were indeed the stigmata left from when he had been crucified. “He showed me the scar on his side, where the spear had been thrust in. I joked with him that it was lucky his stigmata didn’t bleed, otherwise the environmental health people would close us down! He thought that was a real laugh!”

JC confided in Dix that he had returned to Earth at the beginning of the new millennium, as planned, with a view to saving mankind and bringing about the Kingdom of God on Earth, but had quickly become disillusioned. The Messiah apparently began to doubt that it was possible to save mankind, so far down the path of sin had the human race gone. “He told me that he blamed The Bible,” an earnest Dix confided to us, “He reckoned it was a bad influence – all that sex and violence in it. He’s got a point hasn’t he? I mean, look at that Song of Solomon – its obsessed with that bird’s tits! And all those plagues and smiting down of God’s enemies! And what about that bit where He sends those bears to savage those kids for calling that bloke a slaphead – not setting much of an example, is it?” Dwayne believes that a more general lack of job satisfaction might also lie behind The Messiah’s decision to pursue casual work in the convenience food sector. “The hours are pretty lousy and there aren’t many prospects for promotion – but that’s often the way when you work in the family business”. Dix finally had to let JC go after an unfortunate incident with the Coca-Cola. “I told him that we didn’t have a licence to sell spirits at all, let alone to under eighteens! We could easily have lost our franchise!” Despite this setback, JC does not seem to have been deterred from pursuing his new career path, as Dix is believes that he recently saw his erstwhile colleague serving in a local KFC. “I’m sure it was Him, even though he had cut his hair and trimmed back his beard in line with hygiene regulations. I’m glad he learned something from his time with us!”