Trick or Trump?

A top right-wing commentator claims to have uncovered a leftist-Democratic plot to assassinate President Trump ahead of the forthcoming Presidential election. “The God damned bastards were planning to pervert that most American of celebrations – Halloween – in order to take out The Donald,” TQ Flange told listeners to his weekly political podcast. “They are planning on sending in gangs of kids this Halloween to continuously ‘trick or treat’ the President in the hope that they can scare him enough to induce a fatal heart attack! The bastards believe that it will be passed off as an unfortunate accident rather than murder!” According to Flange, the plan is for the children to approach the White House, knock on the door, then hide in the shrubbery, jumping out at the President as he opens the door. “They’ll be wearing the most terrifying masks and costumes possible,” says Flange. “Decayed corpses, zombies, blood sucking vampires, tax collectors, immigrants, Nancy Pelosi, even Barack Obama!” The key to the plan, he claims, is persistence. “While they might get lucky one the first attempt, they are banking on it taking multiple attempts,” he opines. “So, even if he isn’t scared into a heart attack the first time, by the fourth or fifth, he’ll be so mad that he’ll come flying out, shaking his fist and shouting at them, before collapsing with a coronary.”

Although Flange’s claims have been dismissed as being ‘utterly ridiculous’ by most serious political commentators, at least one figure on the left has praised the supposed plot for its ingenuity. “It’s absolute rubbish, of course, but I have to say that I wish that I’d thought of it myself,” says Dan Rimm, columnist for the San Francisco Weekly Weed Review and Freak Out. “I mean, why wait until polling day next month to rid ourselves of that ambulatory tub of lard currently shaming the office of President – when we have the perfect opportunity to get rid of him at the end of this month? Yes indeed, that great US Halloween tradition of ‘trick or treat’ could be the answer to our problems!” In fact, Rimm has come up with some ideas of his own, to ‘improve’ the supposed assassination plan. “When Old Man Trump finally gets so mad that he comes out waving his walking stick, make sure that he actually collapses and turns blue before calling a halt to the trick or treat assault teams,” he says, “Oh, and remember, while he’s lying there twitching, don’t call an ambulance immediately. Wait ten minutes at least, just to make sure that he’s a goner.”

Other commentators have raised objections to the supposed plot on purely practical grounds. “My main objection to these alleged scheme is the fact that with all that heavy security Trump has had installed at the White House in order to protect himself from his own citizens, it is unlikely that one group of kids in masks are likely to get to the front door, let alone multiple trick or treating parties,” muses Art Wheel, of the Portland Autonomous Free Zone Advertiser. “Besides, even if they could get into the grounds, knocking on the front door won’t do any good – Trump won’t hear them as he’ll be hiding down in his underground bunker.” Rimm, however, doesn’t see security as a problem. “Oh come on, surely on that most American of nights, the guards would have no problem in letting groups of kiddies in to see their beloved president?” he asks. “The key, I think, is to have them all wear MAGA hats. That should be enough to get them in!” Wheel has raised another objection to the alleged ‘Halloween Plot’ against Trump. “You have to ask that, even if we on the left were to be considering such an insane plot – which we aren’t, of course – what would be the point?” he enquires. “I mean, there is going to be an election a few days after Halloween which, according to the polls, Trump is likely to lose anyway. Why go to all this effort to scare him to death when the election result is likely to do much the same thing?”

While acknowledging his fellow progressive’s point, Rimm argues that there is a legitimate case for getting rid of Trump before the election. “Look, even if Trump is defeated in November, don’t forget that he won’t leave office immediately. He’ll hang on in the White House, like a lingering fart, until January, undoubtedly doing as much damage to the US and international community as he can, out of sheer spite, because he’ll have nothing to lose,” he says. “If you can scare him to death on Halloween, it will all be over once and for all. Best of all, it won’t look like an assassination -it will go down as an accident, with Trump simply another elderly victim of Halloween pranking! So, come on fellow Americans, you don’t have to wait – you just need to keep knocking on the White House front door, dressed appropriately and shout ‘trick or treat’ at Old Man Trump until his heart gives out!”

Although the so called ‘Halloween Plot’ against Trump might just be another right wing fantasy, there have been unconfirmed reports of a similar Republican plot against Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden actually having been attempted. “I have heard, from entirely unreliable sources, that some guy in a hideous mask and wearing a ‘Vote Trump’ rosette knocked on Joe’s door and shouted ‘Boo!’ at him the other night. Apparently Biden just shouted back ‘Trick!’ and kneed him in the nuts,” claims Rimm. “According to another source, it turned out the guy wasn’t wearing a mask – it was actually Rudy Gulliani.” For his part, TQ Flange is sticking by his original claims. “It just goes to show how desperate and degenerate the Democrats are,” he declares. “Not only are they prepared to target an infirm old man – he’s still recovering from coronavirus, for God’s sake – but they are also willing to expose their own children to danger in order to achieve their despicable ends!” Rimm agrees that the ‘Trick or Treat’ strategy could prove hazardous and has some words of caution for any Democrats contemplating actually trying to prank the President to death: “Look, don’t expect to get any candy on the non-fatal runs – Trump is such a mean bastard that he is more likely to shout ‘trick!’ and fire live rounds at you! So remember to duck!”