Arse Grabbers Anonymous

A spokesperson for the government has confirmed that the ‘medical treatment’ disgraced former Deputy Chief Whip Chris Pincher – who was forced to resign over allegations that he had groped the behinds of two young men in the Carlton Club while drunk – is receiving consists of attending meetings of ‘Arse Grabbers Anonymous’. “I know that many people might be surprised to learn of the existence of such an organisation, but I can reassure everyone that it is perfectly legitimate and provides assistance for those unfortunate enough to suffer from an uncontrollable compulsion to fondle posteriors,” the spokesperson told a press conference. “I mean, it has to exist, doesn’t it – they’ve got these organisations for everything else, so why not for alleged sex offenders? Because, you know, it’s a disease, isn’t it?” The Sleaze has subsequently spoken to recovering arse grabbing addict Jim Crinch, who has confirmed that the organisation is entirely legitimate. “It’s really no different to the likes of Alcoholics Anonymous or Addicts Anonymous – it is all built around the mutual support of fellow addicts,” the forty nine year old Hitchin carpet salesman explained. “The first thing that Pincher will have done would have been to sit in a meeting and introduce himself: ‘My name is Chris and I’m an arse grabber’. I remember my first time, the weight that it removed from my shoulders being able to say: ‘ I’m addicted to men’s bottoms – I just can’t resist the urge to grab those lovely cheeks and squeeze them into one’.”

According to the recovering addict, Pincher can look forward to having his road to recovery bolstered by hearing tales from fellow sufferers as to how long they’ve managed to remain ‘clean’. “I remember feeling that I’d really achieved something when I was able to declare ‘ I haven’t attended a bare arsed spanking party for an entire fortnight – back in the day I was at them daily, playing them like bongos and slapping out big band tunes on those glowing cheeks’,” recalls Crinch. “At the very same meeting, though, I remember another guy admitting how he’d fallen ‘off the wagon’. He was almost in tears when he told the meeting: ‘I couldn’t help myself – I saw this fantastic arse walking in front of me – like two puppies fighting in a sack – and I just had to grab it.’ But it was OK – we were all there to help him.” Indeed, the government spokesperson emphasised, at the earlier press conference, that Chris Pincher – who has had previous misconduct complaints made against him – was finally receiving the help he needed, thanks to ‘Arse Grabbers Anonymous’ and is sponsors and twelve step programme, (that’s ‘step’, not ‘spank’).

Despite the welcome news that Chris Pincher is now receiving treatment for his addiction, the scandal surrounding his disgrace and resignation has left Boris Johnson’s government teetering on the brink of collapse, with multiple senior ministerial resignations. The situation hasn’t been helped by the Prime Minister first denying, then admitting that he knew of previous complaints against the Tory MP when he appointed him Deputy Chief Whip. “Look, we’ve got to be absolutely fair here,” Tory back bencher and staunch Johnson loyalist Mark Porker told tabloid the Daily Norks. “Let’s not forget that what Boris Johnson actually said was that he didn’t have any specific knowledge of Pincher’s alleged arse grabbing when appointing him to the whips office. It’s the use of the word ‘specific’ that is key here. He might have known that Pincher was a perv in general, but didn’t know that he was specifically an arse grabber. Clearly, he thought that it was just some other, basically harmless, sexual peccadillo, like pantie sniffing or voyeurism.”

Critics, though, fear that the various sex scandals engulfing the government are engendering a perverted culture in the Tory party, whereby it is now seen as an asset to have a sexual quirk in order to hold high office. “Young up-and-coming MPs are seeing a situation where even rank-and-file Tory back benchers watch internet porn on their phones in the Commons, so end up thinking that they have to have some far quirkier sexual kink in order to become a junior minister, let alone join the cabinet.,” opines Professor Bob Mincer, Director of Political Studies at the Surrey Mail Order Diploma Institute. “You can guarantee that all the Tory wannabees are currently scrabbling around to find some really archaic form of deviancy with which to secure promotion.” Indeed, it has been rumoured that several Tory back benchers are already exploring the ancient perversion of piquerism, (a fetish for sticking needles in ladies’ behinds and breasts). “I mean, that isn’t your everyday perversion, is it?” muses Mincer. “Maybe, Tory MPs could develop their own version, involving sticking the points of their umbrellas into ladies’ nether regions? After all, developing a new kink, even if it is just a novel variation on an old one, would surely demonstrate the sort of initiative and resourcefulness required to succeed at the very top, wouldn’t it?”

Nevertheless, ambitious Tory MPs would really have to excel in the deviance stakes if they want to have a chance of toppling the ‘Big Swinging Dick’ (as he likes to refer to himself – he recently launched ‘Operation Save Big Swinging Dick’ in the wake of ‘Pinchergate’), the UK’s ‘Fornicator-in-Chief’, Boris Johnson, for the very top job. “This is the guy who doesn’t deal in trivial stuff like watching porn in the commons or grabbing guy’s arses at the Carlton Club,” notes Mincer. “Oh no. This is the guy who allegedly gets his mistress a blow job in his parliamentary office on the promise of getting her a high paying job at the Foreign Office and doesn’t even lock the door! Oh yeah, the risk of the likes of Gavin Williamson walking in and catching him ‘on the job’ is all part of the perverted thrill! Makes you wonder, doesn’t it, as to what else he gets up to?” There is already speculation in Westminster that, if he finds himself facing a forced resignation from the top job, Johnson won’t be retreating to his bunker, like Hitler in his last days, but rather to his private bondage dungeon, where he will swallow vast amounts of viagra and attempt to shag himself and his wife Carrie to death.