Tag: tory sleaze

Spanker’s Bonus

Government denies Security Service’s ‘honey trap’ scheme – ‘Operation Spanker’s Bonus’ – succeeded in entrapping only Tory MPs rather than foreign agents and domestic security threats. According to spokes person top Tory MP didn’t suffer heart attack while strapped into spanking machine and senior minister not caught off his face on drugs.

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The Arses That Saved Britian

Activist proposes that arses allegedly grabbed by Tory MP Chris Pincher be immortalised as giant sculptures, as they led to fall of Boris Johnson and ‘saved Britain’. Should one huge pair of cheeks replace Winston Churchill in Parliament Square? Is fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square appropriate permanent home for the other?

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Arse Grabbers Anonymous

Is sexual deviancy the new qualification required for serving in cabinet? As disgraced former Tory Deputy Chief Whip Chris Pincher seeks help with his groping addiction from ‘Arse Grabbers Anonymous’, Boris Johnson launches ‘Operation Save Big Swinging Dick’ in attempt to save his Premiership from series of sordid sex scandals.

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Don’t You Know There’s a War On?

Don’t you know there’s a war on? Ask defenders of Boris Johnson as critics call for his resignation over drunken Downing Street lockdown orgies. Wartime rhetoric invoked as ministers don tin hats, call for black outs and rationing in response to fuel and food shortages caused by ‘the war’ (in Ukraine). Argue Johnson is vital wartime leader the country needs.

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War of Convenience

Is UK government stoking up tensions between Russia and Ukraine as distraction from domestic troubles? Or is pursuit of European conflict extension of Boris Johnson’s Churchill cosplay? Did UK plan ‘false flag’ operation to provoke Russian invasion as Moscow taking too long over decision?

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Christmas Party Politics

Did Boris Johnson fatally crush photocopier in drunken prank at Downing Street Christmas office party? Government rocked by amazing allegations of wild lockdown celebrations. Claims of indecent exposure, criminal damage, violence and office equipment abuse following Prime Minister’s attempt to come down chimney surface.

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Three Line Whipping

Is new Tory sleaze scandal about to break? Mysterious death of MP who took ‘three line whipping’ threatens to expose ‘parliamentary porn’ racket. Dead Conservative member allegedly illegally rented out parliamentary office and House of Commons chamber for explicit porn movie shoots.

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Blue Energy

Can Boris Johnson’s rippling buttocks power half of London as he has sex? Top scientist proposes radical plan to use Tory sexual misconduct to generate green electricity. New technology will enable Tory MPs bondage sessions to produce energy as they are whipped.

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Smut on the Beach

As environmentalist battle to clean up latest porn spillage to hit Britain’s beaches, experts ask if vast quantities of contraband European porn washing up on the coast is result of Brexit? Tory MPS. meanwhile, propose temporary visa scheme to alleviate current Brexit-inspired shortages of continental sex workers and mistresses.

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Keeping Up the Johnson

New book sensationally claims Boris Johnson’s sexual prowess actually a myth. Alleges the Johnson ‘Johnson’ not up to the job. Tabloid story counter claims Prime Minister so rampant that he used recent self-isolation period to stage fourteen day ‘shag fest’ at Chequers.

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Sex Fiend and the Ape

Does grainy footage of ‘Westminster Wild Man’ prove Boris Johnson transmutating into sex crazed ape creature? Top academic offers bizarre theory of diabolic pact whereby Prime Minister maintains animal virility as captive ape in his attic takes on his human characteristics!

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Cummings and Goings

Are Dominic Cummings’ revelations of Downing Street incompetence during pandemic actually part of brilliant PR plan to exonerate Boris Johnson of blame? Will having publicly hated Dom present criticisms discredit them before any official inquiry into Covid crisis?

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Ungentlemanly Behaviour

Is Micheal Gove actually an obscene phone caller? Top left-wing journalist makes sensational claims on radio show that top Tory ‘looks the sort’. Also claims Boris Johnson of looking like a ‘heavy breather’ and Dominic Cummings of looking like a voyeur.

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Losing the Whip

Tory MPs push for reopening of UK sex industry as part of lockdown easing after ‘losing the whip’ for months. Claim Britons clamouring for kinky sex after months of deprivation. Fears, however, of restrictions on most extreme paid sex activities amid worries they could fuel coronavirus spikes.

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Double Standard

Was Boris Johnson’s top adviser trying to escape evil double when he broke lockdown to travel to Durham? Extraordinary claims made by Tory MP in defence of Dominic Cummings – ‘Evil Dom’ released by Covid-19 infection tried to steal his life!

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