Erection of Evil

Welcome to our semi-regular feature – Ask the Rev – where leading paranormal expert and ordained priest (in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist) Reverend Leonard Fanny addresses our readers’ supernatural personal problems. This time the Rev’s expertise is required to deal with an ‘Erection of Evil’.

Dear Reverend,

I am deeply concerned as to the spiritual well-being of my teenaged son. For several months now, he has refused to allow either his father or myself to enter his room, where he spends increasing amounts of his time when he is not at school, even fitting a lock to the door. He also has become increasingly surly and uncommunicative. While I realise that this is hardly unusual behaviour for a teenaged boy, I have become increasingly alarmed by the chanting and moaning that comes from his room when he has friends around. I eventually became so worried that I resorted to climbing into the attic and drilling a hole in the ceiling so as to get a look into his room while he was out. You can imagine my surprise when I saw, standing erect against a wall, a huge stone penis and scrotum, looking for all the world like an altar to some sex crazed deity. I swear that I could feel the evil emanating from it even from my hiding place in the attic. Just as I was about to leave my vantage point, my son and a group of his friends – four boys and a girl – enter the room. As I watched, they all stripped naked, with the boys donning red ceremonial robes they took from my son’s wardrobe. The girl remained naked and lay across the devilish penis’ scrotum, like a sacrificial victim.

While the boys started to chant, my son – who was clearly fulfilling the role of High Priest – produced what I at first thought was a knarled and twisted ceremonial dagger, but which I quickly realised was a large dildo. He inserted this into the girl’s vagina and started to masturbate her. As she moaned and writhed in ecstasy, the stone penis began to glow and throb – you could feel the whole room begin to vibrate. Finally, as the girl on the altar reached a screaming climax, huge flames began to erupt from of the head of the penis – they were powerful enough to scorch the wall and ceiling and I could feel their heat in the attic. Simultaneously, the boys all fell to the floor and started moaning and clutching at their groins. Then the flames stopped, they all got up, got dressed and went out as if nothing had happened! Obviously, I was surprised, not to say disturbed, by what I had seen. Is my son mixed up in some kind of demonic sex cult which worships Satan’s penis? I’m loathe to tell my husband about what I’d seen as I’m extremely worried as to how he might react to hearing that his boy has been carrying out such filthy practices under his roof. The stone penis alone would be enough to make him go ballistic – he despises the sight of anything phallic, considering them sinful, depraved and disgusting. Even cucumbers have to be sliced before he allows them in the house. I’m sincerely hoping that you can help me Reverend.

Rosemary,
Surbiton

The Rev Replies: My, my, I haven’t heard of a case like this for many years. Of course, I should emphasise that, unlike your misguided husband, here at the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist, we do not believe the male sexual organ, or anything in its image, to be sinful. On the contrary, we believe that Our Lord, Jesus Christ, was very much in favour of having it and the rest of the human body – God’s greatest creation – on full display at all times for the greater glory of the Almighty. Forget all those bowderlised depictions of him wearing a loin cloth or such like – was generally stark naked. But to return to the problem in hand, your son seems to be involved in some sort of masturbation cult, which isn’t uncommon in young people as they first become aware of their nascent sexuality. Masturbating en masse like this gives them a sense of security and halps make those new and strange feelings they experience less scary. The worrying aspect here is erupting stone penis – this does suggest that some entity is drawing on the pent up sexual energy they are releasing in order to build up its own strength.

That said, so long as their mutual masturbation is consensual and they don’t actually sacrifice anyone, or nail someone upside down on the penis, then I’d venture that this is just a passing a phase, a perfectly natural stage in your son’s sexual development. I’m sure that he’ll grow out of it. The time to worry would be if this behaviour persists and he and his friends focus solely on masturbation to the exclusion of all other sexual activity. At that point, it might be safe to assume that they are possessed by the evil spirit residing in the graven image of the penis. In such an eventuality, I’d recommend dowsing the thing in Holy water mid ceremony, just as it starts to glow. The combination of fire and water would undoubtedly cause it to shatter, or at least wilt. I’d also recommend throwing a bucket of cold water over your son and his friends at the same time, although this wouldn’t necessarily have to be Holy water.

I hope this is of some assistance to you in dealing with the situation. I really don’t think that you have anything to worry about, but if you feel that action needs to be taken, I can supply you with bottled Holy water at a modest fee, (to cover admin costs). Finally, I feel that you should remind your husband that those in God’s good grace have nothing to fear from an exposed penis (or any other sexual organ) – only the devil shies away from a righteous erection!

The Rev will be back soon to give more advice on your paranormal problems. So, if your sex life is a hump in the night or you find yourself nocturnally plagued by the attentions of a spectral groper, drop us a line.

(The Rev is also available for weddings, christenings and exorcisms, the latter only on Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons).