Bugger Boris

Top Tory buffoon Boris Johnson has been mysteriously absent from the public eye since his ‘Leave’ campaign unexpectedly won the recent EU referendum, plunging British politics into chaos and sending the pound plunging. “It’s not like Boris to be so publicity shy,” Albert Frookes, Deputy Political Editor of the Daily Excess confided to The Sleaze. “He’s the sort who’d turn up to the opening of an envelope if he thought it would get him in the papers and on the telly. I can tell you, we’re all getting a bit worried for him – normally he’d be revelling in this sort of publicity.” Amid fears that Johnson is either getting cold feet over a bid for the Tory leadership, been kidnapped by irate ‘Remain’ supporters, or has been struck down by illness, another, more startling, theory for his absence has been advanced. “I have no doubt that Boris Johnson is actually the infamous ‘Balham Buggerer’ who has been playing havoc with South Londoners’ bottoms,” top British paranormal investigator and Fortean Times columnist Roy Crucker told The Sleaze. “His disappearance from the public eye has coincided with a spate of the ‘Buggerer’s’ trademark attacks – it surely can’t just be happen stance, can it?”

Supporters of the public school educated political clown moved quickly to dismiss Crucker’s allegations as being ludicrous. “The ‘Balham Buggerer’ ended his reign of terror over a hundred years ago!” declared Frookes. “Is Mr Crucker asking us to believe that one of the country’s most prominent politicians is some kind of reincarnation of a notorious Victorian sex ioffender? Or is he, perhaps, claiming that the spirit of this serial sodomiser has somehow possessed Boris, forcing him to commit anal atrocities by night?” But Crucker stands by his claims, pointing out that the ‘Balham Buggerer’ appears to have renewed his activities, with a number of offences displaying his traditional modus operandi having been reported in the South London since the EU referendum. “Whilst I’m obviously not claiming that these are the work of the original ‘Buggerer’, there is a remarkable similarity in the offences,” he says. “The Friday night after the referendum result was announced, for instance, a drunk was taken behind by an unseen assailant and had his fudge packed in an alley way behind a pub – there was a similar occurrence in 1889 in the very same back passage! Moreover, the following Monday two men in Turkish bath had their brass eyes nailed in an incident echoing the notorious ‘double event’ of February 1890!”

Crucker also notes that the statements made by both the contemporary victims and their nineteenth century counterparts are remarkably similar. “Whilst none of them ever saw their assailant’s face, they all spoke of feeling a tickling sensation at the back of their necks during the attacks,” he explains. “They also reported glimpsing his feet, which they described as being clad in shoes which turned up at the toes. In both eras, there were also reports of a large man wearing a fez being seen in the vicinity of some of the crime scenes.” At the time of the original ‘Balham Buggerings’ these facts led to a local backlash against Turks living in the area. “It was assumed that the atrocities were being committed by a heavily moustachioed Turk,” he says. “Not only were they notorious for their predilection for that sort of thing thanks to the notorious ‘Balkan Buggerings’ committed by Turkish troops during the 1876 Bulgarian uprising, but many of the incidents had taken place in close proximity to Turkish baths and barbers.” Significantly, Crucker observes, Boris Johnson has a strong Turkish connection himself, his great grandfather having been born in the Ottoman Empire.

But his strongest evidence for Boris Johnson being the modern day ‘Balham Buggerer’ lies in an extraordinary witness statement Crucker claims to have obtained and has shared with The Sleaze. “I was lying behind a skip in this alley,” the witness, a forty three year old scaffolder from Kilburn, apparently told police in South London. “I’d gone there to have a slash – I’d had a skinful in the pub – and decided I needed a bit of a lie down. Anyway, I became aware of this hulking figure wandering down the alley, gibbering and moaning. Luckily, he didn’t see me, as I thought he must be some kind of escaped lunatic, but then he stepped under a street light and I recognised him as Boris Johnson. I thought he must be drunk or something and had come down the alley to puke or shit himself. But then something bloody weird happened: I swear that he began to change – this huge moustache began to sprout on his upper lip and his shoes started to curl up at the toes! Then, suddenly, he was wearing a fez – I don’t know where it came from, but it was just there! After that he lumbered off down the alley, out of sight. I was so shit scared, I just legged it in the opposite direction!” Despite coming forward with this information after reading of a buggering only three streets away that same night, his testimony was dismissed by the police as the wild ramblings of a drunk.

“Whilst this statement doesn’t specifically link Boris with the buggerings, it is highly suggestive,” opines Crucker. “Most interestingly, after I managed to speak to the witness, I showed him a picture of Boris’ Turkish great grandfather – he immediately identified it as being the man that Johnson had turned into!” Crucker speculates that at times of stress, Johnson enters a fugue state in which he regresses back into his great grandfather. “Stress unleashes his inner Turk,” the paranormal investigator claims. “In this Turkish state he can unleash his pent up tensions by attacking complete strangers from behind. Once the stress is relieved, he turns back into bumbling Boris – with no memory of what his alter ego has done!” Indeed, Crucker’s investigations have shown that previous spates of unsolicited mystery buggerings have coincided with various setbacks for Boris. “In the wake of the London riots back in 2010, a couple of anal assaults were reported Clapham, but were written off by police as the work of looters – Boris was mayor then,” he points out. “Then, when it looked for a while that Ken Livingstone might get the better of him in the 2012 mayoral race, there was a report of a bloke being rear ended in a black cab. Now we’ve had the referendum result, which has clearly placed enormous stress upon him, triggering these new ‘Balham Buggerings’!” In spite of Crucker’s new evidence, Supporters of the former Mayor of London continue to dismiss his claims as a smear campaign orchestrated by his political enemies. Johnson himself has remained silent on the issue.