Double Standard

“The only reason Dominic Cummings came up with such a ludicrous explanation for breaking lockdown rules by driving two hundred and sixty miles to Durham is that, if he had told the real truth, nobody would have believed him,” claims Tory backbench MP Ian Horrible-Shite, in an attempt to defend the top Downing Street advisor. “He has since given me a full and frank explanation – that I found completely credible – that he was actually trying to escape his evil doppelganger.” Horrible-Shite, along with a number of other Tory MPs, had previously described Mr Cummings’ original explanation – that he was seeking child care for his son and had included the claim that a further car trip was necessary to test his eyesight – as ‘entirely credible’. According to this latest explanation, proffered by the MP in the course of an interview with the normally Tory-supporting Daily Excess, Cummings found himself being harassed by his exact double. Exact, except for the fact that it was totally evil. “Not only was the fiend impersonating him at his workplace – proposing all manner of appalling policies, like using the Covid-19 pandemic to kill off lots of pensioners by infecting care homes, and being generally vile to staff, but it had also taken to standing outside his house and shouting abuse at the real Dom,” explains Horrible-Shite. “I mean, it was clear that he and his family were under threat from this evil Dom, so decided that it was worth the risk to drive to his parents’ property in Durham, in order to seek shelter.”

Despite invoking incredulity on the part of the government’s critics, Horrible-Shite has contended that cases of evil doubles isn’t actually that unusual. “It happens all the time – people’s inner evil is suddenly released in corporeal form as the result of some trauma,” he told the Daily Excess, which has been calling for Cummings’ resignation. “You know, like in that film with Roger Moore, when he has that car crash and momentarily dies on the operating table, releasing his evil double that then tries to ruin his life. You only know it isn’t the real Rog because he sports a ‘tache and wears kipper ties! Or there was that episode of Star Trek where that transporter accident splits Captain Kirk in two and his evil half goes around molesting women. Oh, and let’s not forget that old movie where that reporter goes to Japan, is injected with something by a mad scientist, grows another head and goes evil before splitting in half!” He concedes, however, that Cummings was neither involved in a car accident nor suffered a teleportation mishap, let alone suffered an attack by a Japanese scientist, mad or otherwise. “In Dom’s case, it was a bout of possible coronavirus that did it – he told me that at one point he was so ill, he thought that he was going to die – it was at that moment that his evil alter ego escaped and took on physical form, obviously intending to take his place. But Dom pulled through, leaving two of them in existence,” says the back bencher. “I don’t think that he literally split in two, or that the evil one had a ‘tache, but it was hugely traumatic for him – no wonder he forgot about the lockdown travel restrictions he himself helped to draught.”

Labour back bencher Hugh Flinch remains unconvinced by Horrible-Shite’s explanation for Cummings’ behaviour. “Look, they are just taking the piss now – everybody knows that he broke the rules, but the government just won’t admit it,” he told the Daily Norks. “They are now piling lies upon lies – every time they realise that one fairy story hasn’t convinced the public, they just come out with a more extravagant and fantastical one!” Flinch does concede that the idea of Dominic Cummings splitting in two does have a certain appeal. “It has often been postulated that Cummings actually originated as a particularly unpleasant and painful boil on Boris Johnson’s fat arse, which quickly developed into a second small head spewing right wing bile,” he chuckles. “That’s why everyone thought Boris was talking through his arse. Eventually Cummings emerged completely from Boris’ backside, leaving Johnson devoid of any ideas at all. So the story goes, anyway.” Nonetheless, Flinch has pointed out several problems with the latest explanation for Cummings’ conduct. “For one thing, splitting into two, with one half being evil, isn’t a recognised symptom of Covid-19,” he says. “For another, this version completely ignores Cummings’ second infringement of lockdown restrictions when he drove his family to a local beauty spot.”

Responding to these points, several Tory ministers have rallied to Cummings’ support, with Michael Gove asserting that when he thought that he might have Covid-19 that he regularly felt as if he was about to split in two. “Presumably both halves would have been evil,” commented Flinch. With regard to the second infringement, Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab has sought to clarify the situation, by claiming that it was actually Evil Dom – who had followed Cummings to Durham – who had kidnapped the family and driven them to Barnard Castle, with Good Dom in pursuit. “That’s exactly what Dom told me,” says Horrible-Shite, elaborating upon Raab’s comments. “He was hoping that, like in that Roger Moore film, if he engineered a road accident, then he and the doppelganger would somehow be reunited as one.” That Cummings failed in this aim, the MP opines, is evidenced by the fact that it was obviously Evil Dom that appeared at Monday’s press conference and that had altered his blog to make it look as if he had predicted the pandemic. “The Dom I know would never have been that arrogant or have resorted to such a crude deception,” says Horrible-Shite. “He’s far too smart for that.”

None of the explanations for Cummings’ extraordinary behaviour seem to have quelled public disquiet over his conduct, with even right-wing newspapers now lining up to criticise the prime minister for his failure to sack or sanction his advisor. In the face of such widespread hostility, extreme right wing Johnson loyalists have started to turn on the press, describing them of ‘scum’ and accusing them of a campaign of harassment against Cummings, some even likening him yo Caroline Flack, the TV presenter who took her own life in the face of press scrutiny. “I know that many think the Caroline Flack comparison is extreme, but it is actually appropriate,” muses Daily Excess Deputy Editor Frank Twitch. “After all, in both cases their problems are basically self-inflicted – she violently assaulted someone with a lamp and he broke the lockdown rules the rest of us obeyed – yet their supporters want us to see them as being the victims of press intrusion.” Twitch and his colleagues at the Excess are relishing the current situation. “You don’t know how refreshing it is to finally have an excuse to have a go at these bastards,” he says. “For years we’ve been expected to make up shit about Labour politicians in the hope of influencing public opinion, but at last we can now follow public opinion and actually write the truth about this bunch of charlatans and shits.”