Ghosts of Christmas Sex

Welcome to our semi-regular feature – Ask the Rev – where leading paranormal expert and ordained priest (in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist) Reverend Leonard Fanny addresses our readers’ supernatural personal problems. This time the Rev’s expertise is required in a case of a ‘Christmas Rogering’.

Dear Reverend,

It is that time of year again which might be a time of joy for others has, increasingly, become one of emotional trauma for myself. Some years ago, while running a money-lending business, I was visited one Christmas night by a trio of ghosts, having sex with them all in turn. This experience transformed my life, infusing me with joy and a love of all mankind. Subsequently, I gave up my business and now work for a homeless charity. My problem is that I ended up entering into a long-term relationship with one of the ghosts – that of Christmas-Yet-to-Come. I was attracted to his air of mystery – he rarely uttered a sound and never showed his face. While the sex was at first great, it increasingly became depressing as every climax was accompanied by visions of a sad and lonely future, culminating in seeing my own grave. It became such a downer that, eventually, I sought solace with his friend, the Ghost of Christmas Past, who had continued to visit me every Christmas. Inevitably, this became a sexual relationship. As with the Ghost of Christmas-Yet-to-Come, the sex was fantastic, not to mention far less depressing: with him, every climax was accompanied by flashbacks to his past, utterly fantastic, sexual encounters. The problem, however, is that, in recent years, this too has started making me depressed, as these flashbacks simply serve to remind me of how inadequate and impoverished my own sexual history was prior to being visited by the three spirits. To complicate things further, I have recently found myself being pestered by the Ghost of Christmas Present, who has been offering entirely guilt-free, in-the-moment sex with no strings or visions attached. I can’t deny that I am tempted by his offer. Yet more complications have appeared in the form of my late business partner’s ghost, which has turned up in my bedroom for the past couple of Christmases, waving chains and moaning: I can only assume that he is seeking to enter into some kind of bondage relationship with me. I just don’t know what to do – this Christmas, should I finally ditch the Ghosts of Christmas Past and Yet-to-Come and accept Present’s offer of uncomplicated sexual hedonism? Or should I turn my back on them all and instead devote myself to a life of solitary masturbation where I can at least choose my own sexual fantasies?

E Scrooge
C/O The Nineteenth Century

The Rev Replies: Well, I must say that your Christmases sound a lot livelier than mine – the raciest thing that happens at the vicarage is our traditional game of strip Monopoly, (last year Aunt Edna’s possession of hotels on Mayfair and Park Lane led to a full ‘defrocking’ on my part). I think that you really need to ask yourself what the true meaning of Christmas is: a time for wild sexual abandon with supernatural entities, or a celebration of the birth of our saviour, Jesus Christ? Not that the two are necessarily mutually exclusive – I recall some years ago a parishioner who regularly had visitations from the Virgin Mary in the run-up to Christmas, during which he ‘de-flowered’ her in a re-enactment of her divine impregnation by the Archangel Gabriel. Being a supernatural vision she, of course, remained a virgin, allowing him to do it all over again the next Christmas. But I digress. There is a course of action you seem to have failed to contemplate: the possibility of a foursome with all of the Christmas ghosts – the visions of past and future might well cancel each other out, leaving the pure hedonism of the present, but amplified by three. While, ordinarily, the church might frown upon such a liaison, in this case, as three of the participants are ethereal spirits, technically there is no actual, physical, sin taking place. Personally, I would urge you to abandon all of these relationships, which sound to me to be emotionally and spiritually empty. Instead, I would suggest that if you still feel in need of seasonal sexual stimulation, you join us in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist for our annual naked door-to-door carol singing. Oh, and thank you for not cracking the gag about your Christmas lovers coming only once a year…

The Rev will be back soon to give more advice on your paranormal problems. So, if your sex life is a hump in the night or you find yourself nocturnally plagued by the attentions of a spectral groper, drop us a line.

(The Rev is also available for weddings, christenings and exorcisms, the latter only on Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons).