No Deal, Santa

How does the possibility of a ‘No Deal’ Brexit affect Santa Claus? With the prospect of the UK leaving the EU in the New Year without a trade deal a looming possibility, many have been asking what this might mean for the future of Santa’s annual deliveries to the UK. Will he have to pay extra tariffs on the presents he is delivering if the UK finds itself trading under WTO rules? Will his reindeer face quarantine as they cross the border from the continent? Will he be forced into lengthy immigration checks before he is allowed to enter the UK? Will he have to meet quotas for UK-made presents? “Once again, this government has simply not given this any thought,” declares Labour’s front bench festive spokesperson Avery Ardon. “Believe me, if they don’t sort this out, then Christmas 2021 could be the most miserable since the age of Dickens, with no presents delivered after Santa effectively finds himself banned from the UK! As ever, they are only interested in the short-term, just hoping that they can stumble through this Christmas without problems, never mind the next one!”

But Christmas 2020 is already heading for problems, with fears of gift shortages and rumblings of anti-Santa feeling from the UK’s right. “The problem right now is that most of Santa’s UK deliveries are stuck in containers at Felixstowe port,” reveals Dirk Dangle, Festive Correspondent for the Daily Norks. “Pandemic lockdowns and uncertainty over a no deal Brexit have resulted in massive backlogs at the UK’s ports – we know that Santa’s containers have been unloaded from the ship transporting them, but now they are stuck somewhere in the port. If he can’t get them to his UK distribution centre soon, then then there is a very real chance that he won’t be able to deliver on Christmas night!” Even if the containers do reach the UK distribution centre before Christmas, workplace social distancing measures could still slow up their processing. “They can only have half as many elves as usual in the warehouses at any one time,” explains Dangle. “Plus, everything has to be disinfected before it can be sent out. On top of all that, questions still remain as to exactly what precautions Santa has to take before entering peoples’ homes.” Indeed, the government’s decision that Santa doesn’t have to wear a face mask, his beard being deemed thick enough to act as a virus filter, has already drawn criticism from the medical profession.

In fact, Santa’s exemption from normal social distancing and mask-wearing measures on Christmas night – made after personal representations to Downing Street from the festive icon – has lead to accusations that he is actually at the centre of an Anti-UK plot. “It seems clear that the plan is to deploy Santa Claus as some kind of ‘Super Spreader’, infecting as much of the UK population as possible with a new strain of Covid-19,” opines Tory back bench MP and prominent Euro-sceptic Paul Boner. “As for this nonsense about Christmas presents being stuck at a port – it is all part of a European plan to inflict as much misery on the UK as possible this Christmas!” According to Boner, the EU plans to bring the UK to its knees over the festive season, in an attempt to force the country into signing a disadvantageous trade deal. “The foreign bastards are after our fish, there’s no doubt about!” he claims. “They are afraid that under a ‘No Deal’ Brexit not only will be blasting their trawlers out of the water if they try stealing British fish, but they are afraid that a resurgent Britain, free from their restrictions, will eclipse them in global trade terms!” The timing, just as the UK becomes the first European country to roll out a Covid vaccination campaign, is, Boner argues, crucial: “It’s a last ditch attempt to nobble us with a new strain of the virus before we’re all immune!”

Boner has been joined by other right-wingers in his condemnation of Santa’s anti-UK activities, with many pointing to Father Christmas’ foreign origins. “This version of Santa that we’ve had imposed on us since the early 1970s is inspired by St Nicholas – a German Bishop,” complains fellow Tory back bencher Mark Porker, (recently re-instated by the Tory party after being suspended following his arrest for exposing himself to several women whilst dressed as John Bull – he was cleared of the charges when it transpired that he was actually dressed as Henry the Eighth). “So frankly, now that we have left the EU, we need to replace him with a British festive figure!” Some have called for the return of ‘Old Father Christmas’, the traditional embodiment of British Christmas cheer. “I absolutely agree that we should bring him back,” says Boner. “Not only is he thoroughly British, but he is squarely about roaring log fires, good cheer and feasting and has none of the dangerous socialist associations of the European Santa, with his redistribution of wealth through giving expensive presents to undeserving children. It really does teach them a very bad lesson: that you can get something for nothing!”

Others on the right, however, have called for the creation of an entirely new national Christmas icon, with Brexit Party and former UKIP leader Nigel Farage putting himself forward as a candidate for the role. At a bizarre press conference the donkey-faced buffoon posed on a rooftop, clad in a red cloak, promising to deliver only British-made presents to the UK’s households. The Christian ones only, of course, as Muslims and all the other foreign religions didn’t actually celebrate Christmas, he pointed out. In fact, atheists and agnostics would find themselves lucky to receive seasonal gifts from him, he added. There was also a vague implication that if he found non-Christian or remainer homes with Christmas decorations up, he would pull them down. He ended with a call to ‘Take Christmas back”. Reaction to his proposals have been hostile. “If I catch that bastard on my roof, I’ll smack him with a snow shovel,” says Labour’s Ardon. “I can’t imagine any surer way of having your Christmas ruined than by finding that braying idiot coming down the chimney and demanding to check your passport to prove you aren’t an illegal immigrant before he gives you a present!”