Hostile Environment

The government’s ‘hostile environment’ strategy toward immigrants has been further rocked by scandal, following allegations that parts of the policy had been out sourced to far right groups. The claims emerged during the trial for racially aggravated assault of Timmy Rollocks, leader of the British Defence Force. Hammersmith Crown Court heard from his counsel that the crime he stood accused of – hurling a brick through the window of an Afro-Carribean grocery shop, injuring the proprietor – had actually been sanctioned by the Home Office. “My client’s organisation had, at the time, a contract with the Home Office to create a ‘Hostile Environment’ for illegal immigrants in the Hammersmith area,” Roland Twisslequock QC told the court. “Obviously, this would entail making living conditions for such people intolerable and would include such measures as intimidation and the destruction of property.” When the prosecution pointed out that the victim, fifty six year old Gilbert Smith, was, in fact, not an immigrant, but a UK citizen, born and permanently resident in the UK, Twisselquock responded that Mr Smith was not, in fact, his client’s target. “His injury was unfortunate, but merely collateral damage,” he argued. “By attacking his shop, which is known to be frequented by persons whose immigration status is questionable, my client was merely trying to create a general climate of fear in the locality – if the illegal immigrants can’t shop safely, then perhaps they might leave the country.”

Whilst the QC has so far submitted no documentary evidence to back up client’s claims, he is threatening to call the Home Secretary as a witness. The court case, which is causing the government major embarrassment, is not an isolated incident, with several other right wing extremist groups also now claiming that, in harassing ethnic minorities and committing hate crimes, they were merely carrying out Home Office contracts. “I don’t know what the fuss is about, Who else were the government going to outsource creating a hostile environment for immigrants to – the Church of England?” muses Frank String, leader of English nationalist group The Sword of St George. “I mean, can you honestly imagine gangs of vicars going around intimidating immigrants? I suppose that they could have got the Salvation Army involved – they’ve got the infrastructure and military discipline – they could have played their brass instruments very loudly outside the homes of suspected illegals. That’s enough to harass anyone. But the fact is that if you want to properly put the wind up your ethnic minorities, you need to bring in the professionals: nationalists, white supremacists, segregations and good old plain bigots. You won’t have to worry about us developing a conscience over the work and starting to feel sorry for the bastards. Plus, we can do it very cost-effectively. To be honest, we’d do it for free!”

String himself is currently awaiting trial for allegedly planting blazing crosses in the front gardens of several Asian families in Slough. “Look, it worked for the Klan over in the States, back in the day,” he told the Thames Valley Scrap Traders Weekly. “I know that some people have criticised our actions, claiming that the families we were intimidating weren’t illegals, but third or fourth generation British, but they all say that. Besides, you never know exactly how many of their supposed extended ‘families’ they have packed into their houses and whether they are here illegally or not.” He criticised the Home Office for failing to give them sufficient information in order to accurately target known illegal immigrants. “It was bloody ridiculous, they said that they couldn’t give us a list of names and addresses as, by their very nature, illegal immigrants are pretty much invisible to the system,” he opined in the local newspaper article. “So just create a general atmosphere of intimidation, they told us – it’s no good complaining now that we were targeting the wrong people. We had no choice, not even the government seems to know where these illegal immigrants are, who they are or how many of them there are. Still, at least we did better than the government’s own efforts – those bloody vans carrying advertising hoardings threatening ilegals with deportation. Utterly pathetic!”

Although the Home Office has, to date, refused to respond these allegations, an anonymous source in the department did tell The Sleaze that they had turned to the extremist groups out f desperation. “We originally tried outsourcing the ‘Hostile Environment’ policy to the usual suspects: G4S, Capita and Serco,” they explained during a secret meeting at a Burger King in Swiss Cottage. “But none of them could come up with enough bigots and thugs to be able fulfil the scheme. Not only that, but there were suggestions that some of the people they ere recruiting were actually illegal immigrants themselves. Apparently the pay was so poor that they were the only candidates they could find.” The source also conceded that the Home Office actually has little idea of the identity, let alone the disposition, of illegal immigrants to the UK. “Why else do you think that we started targeting and victimising people who had come here on the ‘Windrush’?” they told us over a flame grilled Whopper with fries. “We knew who they were and, once we’d made sure that we’d destroyed any record of their arrival here, they were easy pickings for deportation.” There were, they admit, another reason for not pursuing genuine illegal immigrants with any vigour. “The fact is that quite a lot of them are being used as cheap labour by employers who make substantial donations to the Conservative Party,” they said. “You can understand that there was a certain degree of political pressure brought to bear.”

Our source also revealed that the policy of secretly destroying the documentation of ‘Windrush’ generation immigrants had proven so successful that plans had been drawn up to investigate the possibility of using similar tactics against political opponents. “There was some talk of seeing if it might be possible to destroy all of London Mayor Sadiq Khan’s records – birth certificates, passport and the like – then accuse him of being an illegal immigrant and deporting him,” they claimed. “There was even speculation that the same thing could be done to Jeremy Corbyn – there was a school of thought that he was so unpatriotic that he might have done the job for us by destroying any personal document with the word ‘British’ on it. The only stumbling block was that nobody could figure out where he could be deported to.”