Off The Wrist: John Lennon

Well, here we are with the second of our occasional series on the masturbatory fantasies of the rich and famous. Having examined the pud-pulling habits of Marc Bolan, this time we turn to legendary rock figure John Lennon. Recently released secret FBI files on John Lennon give us some insights into the thoughts of the ex-Beatle whilst he twanged the wire.

Transcripts of bugged telephone calls and private conversations from the early 1970s reveal Lennon discussing his plank spanking fantasies with close friends including Bob Dylan and Phil Spector. Whilst most of his fantasies seemed to run along conventional lines , in one phone conversation John is heard admitting that he had sometimes entertained some less-conventional homoerotic fantasies. “I was having a quick jodrell [Jodrell Bank – wank] in the bogs at Abbey Road while we were recording the ‘White Album’, when suddenly this picture of us dressed in our Sgt Pepper outfits popped into my mind,” he reveals. “Before I knew it I was imagining a frolicking foursome with Paul, George and Ringo! Although all the other three were involved, it was definitely Paul that I was most attracted to – I think it was that blue uniform he was wearing. And the moustache. Oh, the moustache! Mind you, George looked pretty tasty in that three-cornered hat…” Lennon’s admission is astounding, revealing an aspect to his character he normally vehemently suppressed – he once hit a reporter who suggested that there might be a homosexual relationship between Lennon and Beatles manager Brian Epstein.

The FBI files also reveal that whilst John was in India studying with the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, he mastered an arcane transcendental masturbation technique. This allowed him to go into a trance-like state whilst throttling the turkey, thereby allowing him to increase the endurance of this endeavour to several hours. These mammoth salami-slapping sessions were apparently accompanied by incredible sexual fantasies, which sometimes involved John becoming variously fabulously-endowed Hindu deities performing incredible sexual feats, such as shagging fifteen elephants on top of the Taj Mahal, in order to prove himself worthy of gaining a state of true nirvana. There is speculation amongst pop-historians that some of John’s most famous lyrics were inspired by these experiences, with ‘Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds’ being cited as an example. It is claimed that the flowers ‘That grow so incredibly high’ are references to giant penises , whilst the ‘bridge by a fountain’ is obviously a metaphor for ejaculation and the ‘train in a station’ a euphemism for sexual intercourse. However, traditionalists fiercly deny that another famous Lennon number was inspired by his persistent masturbatory fantasy of making love to Yoko with two breadsticks in his mouth and slapping his hands together repeatedly at the moment of ejaculation shouting “I am the Walrus!”, whilst McCartney threw fish to him.

Rogue MI5 agent David Shayler – a fat man who sometimes sports a silly goatee beard – has claimed that Britain’s Security Service also held a file on Lennon detailing his truncheon oiling activities. According to Shayler the 1970-74 Conservative government considered Lennon a potentially dangerous moral influence on Britain’s youth. They feared that if his transcendental wanking techniques became public knowledge they could lead to a serious drop in industrial productivity as young men followed Lennon’s example and practiced their own, solitary, bed-ins. Indeed, the three-day week of early 1974 had to be introduced when some Lennon fans discovered that by playing his ‘Mind Games ‘ LP backwards, you could hear Lennon describing the technique. Official sources have dismissed Shayler’s claims as “Ludicrous”.