Shoot ‘Em in the Commons

The recent ‘no confidence’ debate in the UK’s parliament was thrown into chaos when, following Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn’s description of Theresa May’s administration as a ‘zombie government’, a back bencher opened fire with a shotgun. “It seemed the natural thing to do,” Jake Pring, Labour MP for Prickley South explained later. “Every film I’ve ever seen says that the best way to deal with zombies is to shoot them in the head!” Sixty eight year old Pring admitted that he had been dozing off during the debate, but hearing his leader use the word ‘zombie’. he jerked awake and acted on reflex, pulling out the double-barrelled shotgun he keeps under his seat and opening fire on the government benches. He denied that there was anything unusual in keeping a loaded firearm in the House. “It can get pretty bloody rough in there during debates,” he claimed. “It isn’t just those capitalistic bloodsuckers on the Tory benches you have to protect yourself against – you need to look out for some of those rabid left wing nutters on our own benches as well! Only last month old Fred Sibbons, the member for Wickersham Old Fogey, was bitten by one these young lefties and, next thing anyone knew, he started calling for nuclear disarmament, re-nationalisation of the railways and transgender equality!”

Pring’s shotgun outburst is only the latest of a series of violent incidents to blight the House of Commons as the fractious debates over Theresa May’s Brexit plans have all too frequently spilled over into armed conflict. “Luckily, nobody was seriously hurt in the shotgun incident,” says Vince Wold, political correspondent for the Sunday Bystander. “Pring was still half asleep when he discharged his weapon, firing too high to actually hit anything but the woodwork of the public galleries. A couple of the older Tory backbenchers had mild strokes and another shit himself with fear.” According to the journalist, all sides in the Brexit debate have, quite literally, taken up arms during the past few weeks, as the various factions attempt to intimidate their opponents into submission. “It’s a sad indictment of the current state of British political discourse that rational debate and argument has been abandoned in favour of brute force,” he opines. “Before every Brexit-related vote now, we’re seeing attempts by each side to frighten the others into either voting their way or, at the very least, abstaining – only last week we saw top Tory Remainer Anna Soubry use a sniper rifle to shoot Jacob Ress-Mogg’s top hat off as he walked through the lobby! He responded by whipping out his sawn-off Purdey shotgun and blasting away wildly, sending MPs and aides running for cover!”

Wold believes that these outbreaks of parliamentary violence simply reflect the deep rifts in wider society which have resulted from the EU referendum. “It has set entire communities, families even, at each other’s throats,” he explains. “In some places, it has developed into open warfare.” In Crapchester, for instance, where the Brexit vote split of 52%-48% in favour of leaving mirrored the national vote, blood feuds have developed over the result. “There’s one instance of a ‘Leave’ voting family learning that their future son-in law and his family voted ‘Remain’,” Wold recounts. “When the bride-to-be’s family called off the wedding and locked her in her room, it all erupted into a hillbilly-style feud, with the would be groom kidnapping her and carrying her off to a budget hotel room and a Gretna Green wedding. It quickly escalated with bricks through windows, sheds burned down and pet dogs gunned down in a grisly tit-for-tat. Both families seemed to completely lose any sense of reason or proportion over the issue! Is it any wonder that our elected representatives are now pulling guns on each other and bullets are flying across the House of Commons?”

The Metropolitan Police, who have faced much criticism in the wake of the Pring incident – with many critics alarmed that they had allowed a firearm into parliament – have confirmed that it is commonplace for MPs to be armed during debates. “The Chancellor, Philip Hammond, routinely carries a derringer up his sleeve in case of ambush by the European Reform Group,” a police spokesperson claimed. “Prime Minister May regularly wears a western quick draw rig with twin colt peace makers, while Jeremy Corbyn who, obviously, doesn’t approve of guns, sports a silver topped cane instead.” This latter choice of weapon highlights an alternative explanation for the current proliferation of weapons in parliament: a strengthening belief on both sides of the House that their opponents are actually supernatural fiends. “It has less to do with Brexit than fear of werewolves and vampires,” says Al Bonque, Lobby Correspondent for the Daily Norks. “When Corbyn described the government as zombies, he wasn’t speaking figuratively. He sincerely believes that their immoral policies are the result of their supernatural evil. Hence the silver-topped cane: silver has long been seen as a defence against supernatural creatures.” For their part, he explains, the Tories believe that the Labour benches are infested with evil shapeshifters, constantly transforming themselves from pro-capitalist New Labour to Corbyn’s hippie-dippy lefties.

For its part, the Labour party has confirmed that it will be launching an investigation into Pring’s behaviour, but has stopped short of condemning his actions. “While, clearly, there were no actual zombies present at the debate, it should be remembered that several members of the government benches are, in fact, well over a hundred years old – how else do we explain their archaic beliefs?” Deputy Leader Tom Watson told a press conference. “Jacob Rees-Mogg, for instance, is obviously a survivor of the Victorian era who probably bathes in the blood of working class virgins in ordr to retain his youthful appearance. I think we can all understand why Jake Pring, startled from his slumber, should be terrified of these living fossils, moaning and shambling around the benches opposite. Our main reservation lies in his use of a shotgun to defend himself, which goes against current party guidelines – wooden stakes are preferred for dealing with the suspected undead, as they represent a renewable resource and support British craftsmen. Either that, or a decent sword forged from British steel.”