Spanking the Monkey

“It’s simply unacceptable that this work is being outsourced to the Far East – believe me, British sadists can torture monkeys online for money better than any bastard in Indonesia,” declares Charlie Humpstetter, whose online monkey torture ring was recently forced out of business – not by the police, but by what he claims is unfair foreign competition. “Everybody knows that British torturers are better: far more sophisticated n their techniques and with access to much more advanced torture equipment. These bastards in Indonesia that are doing the torturing these days are barely competent – if the punters are lucky, they might get to see some guy slap a monkey around a bit, how’s that value for money? As for the tools they use, you are lucky if one of them has a disposable lighter or a sharpened stick. Pathetic!” According to the three times convicted for animal cruelty Humpstetter, it is simply a question of money that is depriving he and his fellow sadists of work. “The people organising these animal torture rings can get away with paying those guys in Indonesia peanuts to spank their monkeys,” he claims. “But the fact is that you get what you pay for – if sick sadistic bastards in this country want to get their full quota of kicks from seeing defenceless primates have pain inflicted on them by experts, then they are going to be severely disappointed with what those Indonesian guys deliver.”

Humpstetter boasts that at the height of his underground network’s popularity, he was often torturing up to five monkeys a day. Critics, however, have pointed out that the monkeys in question were, in fact, only baby monkeys, leading to suggestions that the torturer wasn’t man enough to handle adult monkeys, even though the adults of some simian species are themselves very small. “It’s well out of order to suggest that those of giving the monkeys a good spanking are cowards, just because we focus on immature specimens,” he retorts. “The fact is that baby ones were easier to illegally smuggle into the country – we did it by the crate load, often as many as forty percent of them survived the journey. Besides, we tried torturing larger species of primate, but it nearly ended in disaster – some of them are bloody intelligent! There was that time in Doncaster when that gorilla succeeded in turning the tables and poor old Bob Freekland found himself being tortured by an ape live online for ten hours! That hairy beast got the hang of the electrical probe surprisingly quickly and proved to be a natural with the blow torch!” Even adult examples of small monkey species can be problematic, Humpstetter reveals. “If one gets loose, they release the others and gang up on you,” he says. “I’ve experience it myself – I was once pinned down by half a dozen spider monkeys armed with acupuncture needles! It was a very painful fifteen minutes, I can tell you, before I finally managed to beat them off!”

Former RSPCA inspector Vince Tonal, who investigated several online animal torture rings in his time with the charity, has explained that those organising them have had no choice but to outsource the actual torturing to cheaper foreign sadists. “People have this idea that the customers of these disgusting rings are some kind of shadowy group of elite international sadists, enjoying their perverse thrills from the safety of their penthouses, paying big money for the privilege,” he says. “But the truth is that they are just sad gits who do dead end jobs and live in crappy, damp-ridden flats on sink estates. The reality is that I’ve never seen a sum over twenty quid change hands in return for a specific torture request. These people aren’t just cruel perverts, but cheap bastards as well. There’s no way that the people behind the torture rings could afford to pay those expensive British torturers any more. Besides, there are other cost-cutting advantages to out sourcing – the monkeys, for instance, can be sourced locally, rather than having to expensively smuggle them into the UK.” One former customer of an animal torture ring, recently released from prison after being convicted of complicity in animal cruelty, has confirmed much of what Tonal has claimed. “Look, I worked fifty, sixty hours a week in a crappy job in a shop – all day I had bloody customers treating me like dirt and being rude to me,” says the twenty eight year old, who only spoke on condition of anonymity. “So when I finally got home to my council bedsit, the only way I could get rid of all that pent up anger was to watch some defenceless monkey being beaten up online and imagining that it was one of those customers. It was very satisfying. But I could never afford to pay more than a fiver, so had to be content with low level beatings and spankings, rather than the sophisticated stuff with electrodes, racks and whips.”

Humpstetter has seized upon this testimony to justify his activities, claiming that the animal torture rings are, in fact, providing a valuable social service. “If we didn’t spank monkeys for them, then God only knows what these people would have been doing to relieve their pent up aggression instead,” he opines. “We’ve probably succeeded in averting countless murders. Not just regular ones, either, but probably bloody axe massacres and the like.” Warming to his subject, the torturer has further claimed that his activities were, essentially, no more harmful than watching violent horror films. “We just cater for those who can’t be satisfied by make believe blood and gore,” he explains. “The ones for whom even video nasties aren’t enough.” Professor Jerry Mire, Senior Lecturer in Smut Studies at Cromer Polytechnic, disagrees vehemently with this theory. “The fact many people have with seeing fictional violence doesn’t mean that they would have the stomach for watching real violence, torture and murder being practiced against living things,” he explains. “They can watch it on film precisely because it isn’t real and more often than not, it is obviously not real, so that they know nobody is actually being harmed, (something the moral campaigners never seem to grasp).”

Humpstetter, however, is determined to continue his fight against the outsourcing of animal torture, even considering trying to persuade Nigel Farage and Reform UK to take it up as an issue during the current general election campaign. “The worst thing about this situation is that I’m not convinced that those guys in Indonesia are actually sadists at all,” he says. “They are just doing it for money, like any other job. There’s no joy in the way they go about torturing those monkeys – that’s half the fun for the punters, seeing that we’re getting as big a kick out of it all as they do.” In the meantime, he fears that he will be forced to try and get his old job back as an MI6 interrogator. “They laid loads of us off after the ‘War on Terror’ cooled down,” he says. “Those were the days, going around the world inflicting pain terror suspects – sort of ‘Have Electrodes, Will Travel’. I suppose that if I can’t back with them, I could always try offering my services on a freelance basis to Russia.”