The Arses That Saved Britian

“Listen, in effect, those groped arses saved Britain,” declares anti-corruption activist Luke Limpend, with reference to the alleged victims of disgraced former Tory whip Chris Pincher, the scandal resulting from his reportedly feeling them up having resulted in the fall of Boris Johnson. “So significant has their contribution been to freedom and democracy, that I think that casts should be taken of them, from which larger-than-life bronze sculptures can be made and displayed for posterity.” Limpend, who can regularly found outside Parliament, lambasting, via a megaphone, the Johnson government for its corruption, contends that had a drunken Pincher not got fruity with a pair of unconsenting behinds in the Carlton Club, the UK could have found itself heading for an effective fascist dictatorship and kleptocracy. “It was becoming increasingly clear that government was being run not for the benefit of the people, but rather to line the pockets of its members and their associates,” he explains. “That’s why they’ve been so keen to cow the media into submission and repress protestors like me – they don’t want the truth to be heard! But, thanks to those courageous arses, we have a chance to change course!”

The irony of the fact that it was two groped arses that finally brought Boris Johnson down rather than any of the scandals he has been trying to highlight, isn’t lost on Limpend. “Amazingly, it wasn’t ‘Partygate’, it wasn’t all that Russian money he took, it wasn’t the fact that his incompetence caused hundreds of thousands of deaths during the pandemic, nor the fact that billions of pounds worth of public money were creamed off by Tory-linked fraudsters during Covid. No, it was the fact that one of his cronies got drunk and couldn’t keep his hands to himself, groping the behinds of two unconsenting young men,” he reflects. “Yep, that was it, after all the other shit, it was the fact that Johnson had, in effect, been protecting a sex pest that provided the catalyst for the Tories to finally turn against Johnson. Two arses brought down the arse!” But in the hours after the initial Tory revolt against Johnson, which saw two cabinet ministers and numerous junior ministers resign over his handling of the Pincher affair, it was by no means certain that the beleaguered Prime Minister would go quietly.

“I feared the worst when he barricaded himself into Number Ten that night, refusing to meet with Tory party officials, occasionally appearing at a window to wave a shotgun and issue drunken threats,” says former Downing Street aide Oscar Weeply. “I was worried that he’d start shooting hostages if his demands to be Prime Minister for life, immunity from prosecution and the right to shag any woman in the country weren’t met. Thankfully, as it turned out, the only casualty was Michael Gove, who ended up sacked rather than shot.” The situation also left the opposition perplexed. “I kept fervently asking myself – where is the angry mob breaking into Downing Street, dragging him out and stringing him up from the nearest lamppost? What has this country come to when we can’t even muster a decent violent mob? Have we become that cowed by theses Tories and their fascist regime?” asks Labour activist Edgar Hurker. “You’d think that after all the shit that’s gone down under Johnson – the lies, the incompetence, the corruption – that people would be queuing up to get a chance at dispensing some revolutionary street justice to the fat fornicating bastard. You know, there are times when I feel deeply disappointed by the British people.”

Indeed, until the following morning, when Johnson declared his resignation as Tory leader, many feared a ‘doomsday scenario’. “For a while I was worried that we might be heading for the scenario where an enraged Johnson broke out of Number Ten and wrought havoc on the streets – overturning police cars, groping women’s breasts and smashing everything in his path – before scaling Big Ben, a swooning Nadine Dorries clutched in one hairy paw,” says Hurker. “Once up there, he’d try to beat off a swarm of biplanes, doubtless piloted by Rishi Sunak, Sajid Javid and Nadhim Zawahi. Actually, he’d probably just have beaten off, in some desperate attempt to spread his toxic semen over Westminster in hope of impregnating enough women that, in time, an army of his monstrous idiot offspring could take the country back in his name.”

Thankfully, however, Boris Johnson decided to resign. “Well, he sort of resigned. He’s stepped down as Tory leader, but wants to linger for as long as he can as Prime Minister, supposedly until a new Tory leader is elected,” muses Weeply. “Which leaves us all – especially the Conservative Party- in a very dangerous place because you can just guarantee that, despite Johnson’s protestations that he will only be a ‘caretaker’ and won’t actually initiate or enact any major legislation, he’ll be busy plotting as to how he can best screw things up for his successor, in the hope that a desperate party recalls him. The potential damage to the Tories reputation is terrifying to contemplate.” Hurker has little sympathy for Weeply’s position. “The Tories’ reputation is already in tatters,” he opines. “Besides, they are all bastards, so it is unlikely that Johnson’s successor will be an improvement – they’ll just find new ways to screw us all over.” Luke Limpend, meanwhile, continues to enthuse over the idea of immortalising ‘The Arses That Saved Britain’ in bronze, even speculating as to where the effigies could be placed. “Move that fat old racist misogynist Churchill on from Parliament Square in favour of one arse and install the other one permanently on the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square!” he says. “Yes indeed, in years to come people will be placing their hands on those great cheeks, marvelling at the contribution to freedom that they made. I’m telling you, one day kids will gaze upon them in awe and ask their parents and grandparents: ‘Where were you when the arses that saved Britain were grabbed?’”