Confessions of a Hollywood Sex Pest!

The ongoing Hollywood sex abuse scandal has taken an extraordinary twist, with documentary film maker Hugh Plock ‘outing’ himself as a serial sex pest. Apparently inspired by fellow documentarist Morgan Spurlock’s admission that he was a serial sex cheat and falsely accused non-rapist, Plock has claimed that he sexually abused a string of women over a number of years, in the course of making his documentaries. The thirty four year old, director, producer and writer of a number of documentaries, including Battered!, an expose of violent fish crime, which left critics and audiences alike baffled, alleges that he variously groped, molested, harassed and leered at virtually all of the female crew members who worked on his movies. “I just couldn’t help myself,” he told a hastily convened press conference in Hollywood yesterday. “I just had to look at a woman and I’d find my hands reaching for her breasts. I was completely out of control, pinning women up against walls and fondling their breasts, making lewd sexual propositions to others – I even turned stalker, following some of my female colleagues to their homes and secretly filming them as they got undressed. I guess I was in the grip of a powerful sex addiction.”

According to Plock, it all started relatively innocently, with him twanging some knicker elastic and the like. “It was the sort of thing that goes on in every office – just a bit of harmless horseplay that nobody gets upset about,” he told the press, when challenged as to why none of his alleged victims had ever come forward. “But later, after all the breast and buttock squeezing, I had to silence them with blackmail – I remember that I told one production assistant that she’d never work on another fish-related documentary again if she spoke up.” In another bizarre twist, however, all of the women named by Plock as his victims have denied that he ever assaulted them. Sound recordist Mary Froop, who Plock claimed to have lure to his hotel suite, where he took her roughly from behind, has told media that she is mystified by his claims. “The only time I ever worked with the weirdo was on that documentary he did proving that eating a diet of only deep fried Mars Bars for a fortnight would make you obese and give you a coronary – Fat Bastards,” she told reporters. “Anyway, he didn’t have a hotel suite, just a room in a shitty low rent hotel – the movie’s budget wouldn’t stretch to anything else. The rest of us had to sleep in the back of a van, for God’s sake! But he certainly didn’t ‘lure’ me to his room – I wouldn’t set foot there, it stank of sweat and piss and had disgusting stains all up the wall by his bed, so I’ve heard. As for taking me from behind – in his dreams, the sad little pervert!”

Similarly, actress Jemima Herkings, who appeared in Plock’s documentary about 9/11, which claimed that the Twin Towers hadn’t been destroyed by hijacked airliners in an al Qeaeda suicide attack, but rather vanished by rogue magician David Blaine, says that the director never gave her breasts ‘a damn good milking’, despite his claims. “I vaguely remember him brushing against my chest, apparently by accident, on the set one day, when we were shooting a recreation of the inside of the Twin Towers,” she recalled. “But there’s no way I’d ever let him get his sweaty little hands on my assets. Mind you, he certainly spent a lot of time gawping at women’s breasts and behinds on set – but he’d never had have the nerve to do anything else.” Herkings is considering legal action against Plock because of the damage to her reputation caused by his claims. “I meam, for God’s sake, I don’t want people thinking that I’d ever let some bottom feeding creep like him grope me,” she says. “The very idea of it is humiliating – if I was ever to be molested, I’d hope it would be by some higher class of Hollywood sex offender!”

Herkings’ sentiments are echoed by another actress caught up in the scandal who, in another bizarre twist, has claimed that Plock had paid her to accuse him of sexual misconduct. “He wanted me to go to the press accusing him of having given me a bare arsed spanking in the back of his van in return for him giving me role in his next film,” Brandy Melons announced to her own press conference. “But I just couldn’t go through with – not only would it have been humiliating to let people think I’d let some sad bastard like him paddle my buttocks, by even more humiliating to let them think I’d allow myself to be abused just to get a part in one of his films. They’re all just so crappy!” But just why has Plock gone to such lengths to paint himself as a sex offender, exploting and abusing every woman who comes into his orbit? “Clearly, he’s desperate for the publicity,” opines top film critic Jake Rullocks. “After, when is the last time anyone can remember one of Plock’s documentaries hitting their multiplex? Indeed, can anyone even name any of his films, let alone remember seeing them? He’s obviously seen the kind of publicity those accused of sexual misconduct in Hollywood have received – when was the last time anyone had mentioned Morgan Spurlock before he ‘outed’ himself, for instance? Everyone knows that no publicity is bad publicity. Sure, they’ll have to lie low for a while, do a penance, but the Hollywood establishment always ends up forgiving its own for transgressions. Just look at the way Mel Gibson has been rehabilitated after his drunken misogynistic and anti-Semitic outbursts a few years ago.”

Others suspect that Plock’s self identification as a showbiz sex offender could be part of a sinister plot. “It’s clear to me that his aim was to have a series of women accuse him of abusing his position of power to abuse them, then have them admit their claims were false,” declares top feminist Susie Quantocks, author of The Female Bastard. “They would be discredited and, by association, so would every other claim of sexual misconduct against powerful Hollywood males. Obviously, he was trying to undermine the whole ‘Me Too’ movement and cast all women as liars. The bastard.” For his part, Plock remains adamant that he actually has been guilty of sexual misconduct on an industrial scale. “Hey, come on, I’m a sex offender! No, really, I am! Even if nobody wants to accuse me!” he shouted at reporters as they walked out of his press conference. “Hey, look at me, look at me everyone! Please publicly vilify me and get my name all over the media!” He has subsequently announced that he plans to make a documentary about his sex offending.