Locking Down Crime

“It’s been an absolute disaster for our industry – takings are down in every sector. The livelihoods of many of our members is under threat,” declares Horace Cuckster, General Secretary of the National Union of Housebreakers, Burglars and Street Criminals. “Really, if the government doesn’t doesn’t do something to ease this lockdown soon, then many of our members will find themselves facing the prospect of having to go straight.” The UK’s coronavirus lockdown has seen the country’s streets emptying as all but essential shops shut and people abandon their offices in favour of working from home. With more people now at home all day, the burglary rate has plummeted and street crimes are at an all time low. “The irony is that this should be a boom time for crime,” explains Cuckster. “With the government now encouraging everyone to wear masks and gloves, many crimes should now be undetectable – surveillance cameras are being rendered ineffective by these measures. As for all this much vaunted facial recognition software – well, now we can circumvent it without fear of prosecution as the government is saying that it is OK to hide your face.” Frustratingly, in spite of these sate-mandated advantages, potential victims of crime have dried up completely.

“Not only is there nowhere open worth robbing, but there’s nobody on the streets to rob either,” muses Cuckster, himself a former robber with three convictions behind him, specialising in jewellers’ shops. “Here we are, in a situation where our members could be setting themselves up as modern day highwaymen, their identity protected by masks as they hold up travellers, and there’s nobody about! The closest we get now are those people out jogging in parks. Not that it would do any good if they held any of them up: nobody is carrying cash any more as shops are insisting on card payments as these are supposedly more hygienic and virus free.” Cuckster and his union are pushing the government to lift the lockdown in order to get British crime moving again. “Crime has come to a standstill in this country thanks to the lockdown,” he says. “Normally, it is one of the UK’s most lucrative industries, generating billions in revenue every year. Let’s not forget, that it isn’t just the robbers and burglars who are being deprived of income by the lockdown – it has a knock on effect for all the fences, dodgy pawnbrokers and other receivers of stolen goods. Not to mention the loss of backhanders to bent coppers. That’s a huge loss of income to the wider economy.” Cuckster has previously urged the government to extend its furlough scheme to the criminal community, paying up to eighty per cent of his members’ earnings for the duration of the lockdown. “I’m afraid it fell on deaf ears,” he sighs. “The best they offered was that our members should sign on and make fraudulent claims for Universal Benefit.”

It isn’t just the robbery, burglary and street crime sector of British crime that has been hit by the lockdown, with virtually all sectors reporting losses. “Obviously, some sectors have been able to adapt,” says Cuckster. “The narcotics sector, for instance. While the lockdown has made street deals next to impossible, most dealers have adapted and are now running home delivery services, usually disguised as pizza or other fast food deliveries. I mean, you surely didn’t think that all all of those mopeds on the road work for Just Eat or Uber eats, did you?” Financial fraudsters have been able to take advantage of the fact that more people are at home all day to step up their telephone scams. “The fact that so many people are on reduced pay or redundant makes it that little bit easier for them, “Cuckster believes. “Some people are just desperate to hear of the possibility of more income, no matter how fake it is.” Blackmailers, though, are finding the lockdown difficult, with potential victims difficult to target. “With strict travel restrictions in place, there isn’t as much adultery going on,” says Cuckster. “There just aren’t the opportunities to get those photos of blokes having it away with some bird other than their wife, so there’s just no leverage for extortion.”

Murderers have also found the lockdown difficult to deal with, due to a lack of opportunities. “Those spur-of-the-moment murders, usually the result of drunken pub brawls, are just impossible now, with all the bars closed,” opines Albert Purstom, a convicted serial murderer and President of the Associated Fellowship of Homicide Practitioners, from his cell at Strangeways Prison. “Opportunistic murders by psychopaths are also down, due to the lack of people about. As for serial killings, well, with everyone safely locked away in their houses, these have become next to impossible. You just can’t lure people to lonely places and do them in thanks to these bloody travel restrictions – it would be classified as a non-essential journey.” According to Purstom, who claimed five victims back in the eighties, the only part of the murder sector thriving is domestic killings. “There’s no doubt about it, blokes beating their wives to death during lockdown is on the up,” he says. “But we don’t represent those bastards: them and the child killers gives us all a bad name.”

One section of the criminal community that isn’t complaining about the lockdown are the voyeurs, who are experiencing a veritable bonanza in terms of opportunities for their activities. “Damn it, this lockdown is turning out to be a stalker’s paradise,” enthuses Ned Leppert, Treasurer of the Guild of Voyeurs, Stalkers and Peeping Toms. “It’s brilliant – all those potential victims locked up at home! We can just get up close and peer directly through the windows!” Indeed, with the proliferation of face masks, the anonymity of peeping Toms and their ilk is now pretty much guaranteed. “It just makes stalking so much easier,” says Leppert. “You can just set yourself up outside their house – none of that tedious following them around, trying to find out when they get off work and what their route home might be. It’s all laid out on a plate for us!” It’s the same for voyeurs, he argues. “No more having to hide behind the dustbins across the road and use a telephoto lens to cop an eyeful!” he declares. 2YOu can just go and press your face against their windows!”