Send Them Home!

Following the tragic Mosque massacres in New Zealand, the views of the perpetrator, a right wing white supremacist terrorist, that there is ‘too much immigration’, have found support in surprising quarters. “I hate to say it, but he might have had a point – not one worth killing fifty innocent people, to be sure, but a point nonetheless,” Maori elder Heke Ngata told The Sleaze. “The fact is that we never had any trouble here before those white Europeans started coming here. It was bad enough when they were just tourists, then they started settling here – taking our land, our women, not to mention our jobs.” Ngata bemoans the rate at which the whites started reproducing once they had settled in New Zealand. “They’re like bloody rabbits, completely out breeding us,” he says. “They just bloody swamped the place – before we knew it, us Maoris were in the minority and our culture reduced to a tourist attraction! I’ll tell you the worst thing – that bloody heathen religion of theirs that they are always trying to indoctrinate people into. Not to mention those churches of their going up everywhere with their ugky great spires and towers blighting the landscape.” Ngata is currently considering launching a new political campaign, calling for white people to be repatriated from New Zealand to their countries of origin. “It’s time they went home,” says the elder, who also rejects allegations of hypocrisy, with critics pointing out that the Maori people originally came to New Zealand from Polynesia. “Look, we didn’t displace anybody else, just those giant bloody birds. I don’t see anyone campaigning for them to come back.”

Ngata’s putative campaign has already inspired some of Australia’s Aboriginal population to start a similar movement, calling for them to ‘take back their country’ from the invading white settlers. “It’s time to throw off the Imperial yoke of white domination and take back what is rightfully ours,” declares Toby Panaka. “These white bastards came here from Europe, invaded our lands and forced us to live in the absolutely shittiest bits: all deserts and furnace-like temperatures with nothing to live on.” According to Panaka, most of the ills currently besetting Australian Aboriginal society are the result of the ‘white invasion’. “We used to live peacefully here before the white man turned up with his drugs and alcohol,” he claims. “Now half of us are boozed up wrecks coughing our lungs up after smoking a hundred cigarettes a day. Our culture has been reduced to drunken bar room brawls and doing dances for tourists.” His biggest complaint against the European immigrants, though, is that of cultural appropriation. “Nothing is sacred to them, they’ve appropriated our traditional musical instruments like the didgeridoo to play abominable songs about tying kangaroos up, or some such nonsense,” Panaka laments. “Worst of all, thanks to Rolf Harris, the instrument is now forever associated with rampant child molestation. Another part of our heritage debased by these immigrants. It really is time they went home – and took their undrinkable lagers with them.”

Not surprisingly, the greatest enthusiasm for Ngata’s proposed campaign has emanated from the US, where Native Americans claim to have been shabbily treated by successive waves of European immigrants. “It’s always the same – they start of by saying that they are escaping religious discrimination or something and that they are only a small group wanting only a tiny bit of land to settle on, next thing you know, they’re everywhere,” opines Native American activist Johnny Bald Eagle. “At first it is just the one family of Puritans, then before you know it they’ve started bringing their cousins and their wives and their sisters over and it all gets out of hand.” Bald Eagle is currently in the forefront of the ‘Pale Faces Go Home’ movement which seeks to persuade the immigrants to go back to Europe. “We’ve had to endure wave after wave of them: Portuguese, Spaniards, English, French, Germans, Swedes, even the Russians,” he points out. “Not only did they wipe out our buffalo, expose us to new diseases and steal our women, not to mention our land, but they’ve essentially trashed the place, ransacking the continent’s natural resources and poisoning the land with industrial pollution. Surely it’s time for them to go back to their own countries?”

Bald Eagle is proposing radical solutions to the US’ immigration problems. “Frankly, I think that Pale Face in Washington, you know, the one who speaks with forked tongue, might have a point with all his talk of walls,” he says. “He just wants to build one in the wrong place. Instead of the Mexican border we need to build walls down both coasts to try and stop any more of these white criminals from getting in.”  One of Bald Eagle’s biggest complaints about the European immigrants is their failure to integrate themselves into pre-existing cultures in the Americas. “They made no attempt to adopt local cultures and customs, let alone the language,” he asserts. “They didn’t even try to change their names to sound more like locals: nobody went from Dick Scratcher to Little Scratching Cock upon arriving in America, for instance.”

The refusal of immigrants to change their names to something more in keeping with local traditions has also become an issue in the UK. “You’d have thought the likes of Nigel Farage and Mark Francois, rabid Brexiteers both, would have had the decency to Anglicise their surnames, if they really are as patriotic as they claim,” says pro-Remain Labour MP Fred Clinch. “Especially that Farage. Surely that’s a Huguenot name, marking him out as the descendant of refugees. Well, his ancestors might well have been able to claim asylum from religious persecution, but the Huguenots aren’t being persecuted in France any more, so it’s time, surely, for him to go home. Either that, or change his offensively foreign name!” Clinch also believes that Mark Francois, right-wing Tory MP and deputy leader of the pro-Brexit Tory party faction the European Research Group, should change his name to something more appropriate. “There he is, constantly blustering away about how we need to leave Europe, but he won’t even give up his European name,” he says. “I mean, not only id Francois a French name, but it actually means ‘French’! Why doesn’t he just change his name to French, an accepted English name? The hypocritical traitorous bastard!”