Smash and Grab?

Is Britain heading toward a new age of lawlessness? This is certainly the fear of top legal expert Peter Hork. “The key date will be 31 October: if Boris Johnson goes through with his threat to defy the law passed by parliament requiring him to achieve a Brexit deal by that date or approach the EU for another extension, then it will set a precedent, whereby we’ll all then have carte blanche to break whichever laws we happen not to agree with,” he warns in his Sunday Bystander column. “Mark my words, come November 1 we’ll all be robbing banks, doing smash and grab raids, mugging old ladies and stealing cars, while the public parks will be full of flashers exposing themselves to all and sundry. It will be like that film The Purge.” Hork believes that the police would be powerless under such circumstances, as law breakers could all cite the ‘Johnson defence’, that they didn’t happen to agree the particular law they were breaking so they just ignored it. After all, if such conduct is permissible by a Prime Minister, it is permissible for everyone else, he contends. Some of the Prime Minister’s supporters, however, are trying to spin such an outcome as being simply a logical extension of Tory ‘small state’ and ‘competition’ ideologies. “It’s just a case of removing more of the bureaucratic red tape which stifles innovation and entrepreneurship in this country,” declares Conservative back bencher Roger Trembler. “It would herald the opening up of British crime to competitive forces – at long last anyone could be criminal regardless of class or wealth. No longer would crime be the sole preserve of low class scum bags from council estates – at long last the middle classes could get involved without the hindrance of things like the law!”

Trembler also argues that with crime effectively legalised by Boris Johnson, huge cuts in public spending could follow. “Quite clearly, there would no longer be any need for the police, let alone the criminal courts or prisons,” he speculates. “At long last we’ll be able to realise the Thatcherite dream of the ‘small state’!” He dismisses fears that pure anarchy will overtake the streets of Britain in the wake of any possible law breaking by the Prime Minister, assuring people that the situation will stabilise itself. “Look, it’s the big lie perpetrated by the left, that society needs all these expensive state institutions to protect it,” he opines. “In truth, the survival of the fittest will eventually resolve the situation, as the strongest criminal players will emerge and start to impose their own kind of order. It’s the ultimate privatisation of social order, really.” Opposition politicians have condemned Trembler’s remarks as being utterly irresponsible. “Is this what the Conservatives have come to? The party of law and order now, apparently, advocating lawlessness?” asks Labour MP Kevin Pritt. “If these remarks are anything to go by, it is now clear that this whole Brexit process has simply been a ‘Trojan Horse’ in order for the Tories to justify the complete abolition of law and order. I have no doubt that the bastards believe that they can profit from an outbreak of mass lawlessness – perhaps Jacob Rees-Mogg is planning to set up as a fence, or Dajid Javid is going to turn the Treasury into a money-laundering centre.”

While many commentators are trying to play down the possibility that Johnson might choose to deliberately break the law by defying Parliament over a ‘No Deal’ Brexit, Hork believes that it is an increasingly likely outcome. “He’s still smarting from the Supreme Court telling him that his prorogation of parliament was illegal,” he says. “That’s just made him even more determined to prove his disdain for the ‘establishment’ by breaking the law again and daring anyone to try and stop him.” Indeed, the question now being asked is what, if any, would the consequences to the prime minister be if he were to break the law on Brexit. “The truth is that we’ll be in uncharted territory. There is no precedent, that I’m aware of, for a Prime Minister deliberately defying a law passed by parliament and given Royal Assent ,” he muses. “Of course, in theory, he could be arrested by the police. The question is whether or not the authorities in the UK would actually do their job and take action against a right wing Prime Minister who broke the law. If nothing else, the spontaneous outbreak of crime which would accompany any such prime ministerial law breaking would leave them too busy to arrest Johnson.”

Trembler believes that even if the police were to try and arrest Boris Johnson, they would be physically unable to. “Look, when he was comparing himself to the Incredible Hulk the other day, it was no idle threat – I have it on very good authority that he has had himself dosed up with Gamma rays,” claims the back bencher. “The moment the police come knocking on the door of Number Ten, Boris Johnson will get very angry, turn green and smash through the front wall of Number Ten, before proceeding to throw several police cars around and then smash parliament itself to pieces. I’ve heard that he had to be restrained when he heard the outcome of the Supreme Court case: he started shouting ‘Hulk smash puny court!’, turning puce and splitting his trousers!” Pritt has poured scorn on this scenario. “Judging by his retreat from that mob in Luxembourg – what even constitutes a ‘mob’ there, two slightly annoyed people? – I suspect that a hurried withdrawal would be more likely,” he says. “In fact, I’d guess that as police are knocking on the front door of Number Ten, he’ll be climbing out of the bathroom window round the back – a manoeuvre he’s apparently familiar with, having previously deployed it to evade several enraged husbands.”

Hork also dismisses the Hulk scenario, claiming that the authorities actually fear more that a ‘King Kong’ scenario might instead unfold. “There are fears that he might simply go ape, escaping from the police across the rooftops,” he says. “The real worry is that he might try to seize the Queen and climb to the top of Big Ben with her in his grasp. Under such circumstances, he might be able to hold off the authorities for days, using Her Majesty as a hostage to force through a ‘No Deal’ Brexit. After all, he already has form for involving her directly in politics with that whole prorogation fiasco!” Hork claims that the authorities in London have already drawn up contingency plans for this scenario. “I’ve heard rumours of helicopters and giant nets being readied,” he says. “What they want to avoid is Prince Philip taking things into his own hands, taking pot shots at Boris Johnson with his shotgun.” When approached by The Sleaze for comment, London Mayor Sadiq Khan confirmed that the Greater London Authority had several armed bi-planes on stand-by for the end of October.