Boris and the Beast

“These allegations that Boris Johnson squeezed the thighs of those women at that dinner twenty or more years ago – absolutely ridiculous,” blusters Tory back bencher Damien Krupt. “Damn it, everyone knows that he’s a breast man! Now if they had claimed that he’d gone up to them, grabbed a breast with each hand squeezed them in turn, shouting ‘Honk, honk!’, then we’d know it was true. I lost count of the number of times he did that when we were at Oxford!” Despite Krupt’s attempts to dismiss reports of the Prime Minister’s alleged historical sexual misconduct, there are growing fears in the Tory party that such allegations could derail Brexit and bring down the government. “Look, the odd slap of the arse here and there is one thing, but it really seems to be getting out of hand now – and it’s not just Boris Johnson allegedly at it,” declares Tory Party Deputy Chairman Norbert Clench. “If it isn’t cabinet ministers having to resign over ‘inappropriate touching’ allegations then it is junior ministers roughly manhandling female protesters. It is creating a terrible image for the Tory party – where is this apparent urge on the part of senior Tories to get their hands on women coming from?” This, indeed, is the question perplexing political commentators – just why are a group of public school educated, privileged white men, having finally secured the positions of power they have craved all their lives, now indulging in such self-destructive behaviour? One academic, however, believes that he has the answer, in the case of Boris Johnson, at least. “It’s reincarnation,” opines Bradley Froup, Occult Affairs editor of The Daily Norks. “It seems obvious to me that Boris Johnson is the reincarnation of s prolific sex offender and is currently regressing back into his past life as a sex beast!”

According to Froup it is not uncommon for the personalities of past lives to intrude into the present lives of individuals. “It happens all the time,” he asserts. “Apparently respectable people suddenly start doing drugs, raping women, engaging in bare knuckle fighting for no apparent reason. Conventional medicine labels them ‘mad’, but under hypnotic regression it is usually revealed that they had a past life as a beatnik, a sexually repressed misogynist or a local radio presenter and it is this suppressed personality which is breaking through.” In most cases, the journalist claims, these regressions are sporadic, with the subject very quickly returning to normal. “More often than not, the past personality’s incursions are the result of things like stress in the present life,” he explains. “Once the crisis in this life passes, the past life characteristics vanish, never to return.” But in the case of the Tory leader, Froup fears that the regression might well be more serious. “You can see that the regression isn’t just behavioural, but also physical,” he muses. “Surely it must be evident to everyone that, as the pressures of power have become greater, he has, physically, started looking more bestial?” He points out the increasing stoop in the Prime Minister’s stance, the increasingly jutting lower jaw and heavier brow, the increased propensity for grunting rather than speaking. “It can only be a matter of time before he starts dragging his knuckles on the ground,” observes Froup. “There’s no doubt that his posture is becoming ever more simian.”

Froup speculates that the past life currently breaking through into the present day Boris Johnson, causing him to, allegedly, grope women, might not simply be a sex beast, but some kind of prehistoric sex beast. “It would explain the ever more bestial aspects of his appearance and character,” he says. “Not to mention the primaeval attitude toward women – let’s not forget that back then, attraction to a woman was characterised by hitting her with a club and dragging her by the hair to a cave and brutally ravishing her.” Froup believes that Johnson is currently on the verge of regressing back to his neolithic sex offender personality completely. “If things keep going against him in parliament, I fear that we’ll see him turn hairy and start beating his chest in the Commons,” he warns. “Probably followed by slinging Diane Abbot over his shoulder and carrying her off to his sex den.” Froup’s bizarre thesis has, naturally, been met with incredulity in many corners. Damien Krupt, in particular, has dismissed it as being ‘utter shite’, with the Tory MP offering his own explanation for the apparent prevalence of unsolicited groping among his colleagues. “Personally I blame those cigarette cards they used to issue, specifically the ‘Great British Sex Offenders’ series, for all these groping and sexual harassment allegations now coming to light,” he says. “I mean, you can bet your life that Boris Johnson and all those other Old Etonians who currently stand accused of touching up women collected the whole set when they were teenagers.”

Indeed, the MP suspects that the young Boris and his school friends spent hours in the dorm after lights out, slavering by torch light over the information as how Britain’s top sex pests had harassed women. “They had probably spent months swapping the cards between themselves in order to get complete sets,” he says. “Is it any wonder they all grew up allegedly treating women as sex objects?” But there has been support for Froup’s past life regression theory from leading academic Amos Haddick, who rejects completely the influence of cigarette cards. “All I can say is that they must have smoked some pretty up market cigarettes at Eton – all I recall getting with my Woodbines at secondary school were a series of cards about ‘Great British Beef Cattle’,” says the Head of Mystical Studies at the Wolverhampton Wicker Craft College. “The fact is that the concept of Johnson being the reincarnation of some kind of brutal sex obsessed ape man isn’t without precedent.” The academic explains that the US Secret Service are currently operating on the assumption that President Trump is the reincarnation of a Mountain Gorilla. “Remember when that ball sack Nigel Farage compared Trump to a ‘great silverback’? Well, he wasn’t far wrong,” he says. “Everything about him – his knuckle dragging stance, waddling walk and difficulty with speaking coherently, not to mention his displays of exaggerated masculinity when feeling threatened – suggest that he could once have been a great ape.”

According to Haddick, this is why Trump has never visited Africa. “They feel that they just can’t take the risk,” he says. “The Secret Service fear that if exposed to the natural habitat of his previous life, Trump could regress completely, literally turning ape and vanishing into the jungle.” The lecturer claims that there is a history of right wing political extremists having past lives as apes. “Hitler, for instance, had enjoyed a previous existence as a baboon, something which greatly troubled him, as he considered them an inferior species,” says Herrick. “But as the strains of losing the war took their toll on him, he increasingly regressed. In those last days in the bunker, for instance, he was literally climbing the walls, flashing his arse at everyone and attempting to groom Martin Boorman.” Mussolini, likewise, had had a past life as a simian, in his case an Orang Utan. “Apparently, following the Allied invasion of Italy, he was swinging from the chandeliers,” Herrick reveals. “In fact, it has been rumoured that Walt Disney used his antics as the basis for the characterisation of King Louie in The Jungle Book”