The Truss With Two Heads

With voting in the Conservative Party leadership election – which will also determine who will succeed Boris Johnson as Prime Minister – about to start, the two candidates are making their final push to try and secure the votes of the Tory faithful. While former Chancellor Rishi Sunak has bid to win over the increasingly insular and reactionary membership by promising to prosecute anyone criticising the UK under the Treason Act, Foreign Secretary and swivel-eyed loon Liz Truss has made the extraordinary promise that, if elected leader, she will have the revived head of Margaret Thatcher replace her own. “It’s by far the best policy initiative we’ve heard so far – it knocks anything that Rishi Sunak has promised, be it turning Surrey into a tax haven for wealthy pensioners or sending anti-Brexit protestors to Rwanda, into a cocked hat,” enthuses seventy four year old Lionel Swartzlander, retired millionaire businessman and long standing Tory Party member. “I mean, the blessed Margaret Thatcher was the greatest Prime Minister of modern times a short, sharp dose of her supply side monetarist economics are just the thing to revive the economy. She also knew how to deal with all those bloody trade union scum and their strikes – sack the lot of them!”

While the idea of Truss taking on not just the mantle, but the whole head, of Thatcher has been warmly embraced by large swathes of the Tory Party membership, the question remains as to whether it might actually be possible. “It’s the most insane bloody thing Truss has come out with yet,” opines prominent Sunak supporter Gerald Horney, Tory MP for West Twatshire. “It is an utterly preposterous idea – how long has Thatcher been dead for? Not only would her head be so far gone now that it would be even more useless than Truss’ current one, but didn’t she go completely gaga with dementia before she popped her clogs? Not only that, but I’m sure she was cremated – what are they going to do, add water to her ashes to try and reconstitute her head?” Although Horney’s objections might, on the face of it, seem reasonable, the fact is that a group of Tory scientists have claimed that not only can they revive Thatcher’s head, but that transplanting it onto Truss’ body would be relatively straightforward. “Yes, it is true that the world was told that Mrs Thatcher was cremated, but that was simply to keep the more fanatical among her fans from trying to dig up her grave and take bits of her away as souvenirs,” explains Dr Franz Fondler, head of the team looking to revive Thatcher’s head. “Likewise, reports of her mental decline were severely exaggerated, so as to keep way the journalists and hangers on – the reality is that she had all her marbles before her demise. Unfortunately, her body was aged and frail, hence the need for a new body once the head is revived.”

The scientist further revealed that the late Prime Minister hadn’t, in fact been buried in a secret grave, but instead her body had been cryogenically stored in a secret underground location, waiting for medical technology to advance sufficiently that she could be revived and for a suitable new body to become available. “The truth is that we could have reached this point much sooner if it hadn’t been for cuts to science funding over the last twelve years,” reveals Fondler. “In the end, our breakthrough came as a result of the pandemic – we were able to get a government contract worth over a hundred million for the supply of Covid testing kits that were never accepted into service. Mind you, even if we had made a breakthrough prior to this, we still would have had the problem of finding a suitable donor body.” Fondler is naturally reticent as to the precise nature of his team’s methodology for reviving Thatcher’s head, he has revealed that it involves replacing vital fluids and several infusions of a secretly formulated drug. He also maintains that the possible rejection of Thatcher’s head by Truss’ body simply won’t be a problem. “The whole issue of organ rejection is greatly misunderstood,” says Fondler. “You see, it is all down to race and ethnicity – if, for instance, a white heart is transplanted into a black body, it will be rejected. The same is true vice-versa.”

According to the scientist, his team established the race factor in transplantation during an earlier experiment in head transplanting. “As a sort of pilot project, we revived the head of notorious bigot Enoch Powell,” he muses. “Unfortunately, the only body we could find belonged to a black man. Well, at first the transplant seemed to have been a success – so much so that we had the revived Powell address a specially invited audience of right-wing extremists, to check if he was still functioning properly. Initially it was going well – he launched into a new version of his classic ‘rivers of blood’ speech, but part way through, he started faltering, then started shouting things like ‘Kill whitey’, before attacking the audience and escaping onto the roof, where he proceeded to throw slates at people and shout ‘Black lives matter’ and other black power slogans. Thankfully, his head fell off, rejected by the body, before he could do any real damage.”

Fondler envisages no such problems when Thatcher’s head is transplanted onto Truss’ body. “Not only are there no racial compatibility problems, but their political perspectives are also compatible, so there won’t be the jarring mismatch of ideologies seen with the Enoch Powell hybrid,” he says, adding that it is a common misconception that such things as personality reside only in the brain. “Just because Truss’ original head will be replaced, this does not mean that her entire personality, opinions and memories will vanish. Instead they will meld with those of the new head. Which means, of course, that what the Tory will be getting will not be a pure resurrection of Margaret Thatcher, but a hybrid of Truss and Thatcher.” Labour MP Ron Wiblast is aghast at Fondler’s revelations, pointing out that the scientist , originally from the former East Germany, had previously been involved in promoting eugenics and highly dubious communist Cold War biological experiments. “Jesus Christ, this is an absolute scandal – we’ve apparently given millions of pounds of public money to some kind of racist mad scientist to revive the head of Maggie Thatcher! Even by the standards of the Johnson government, this is bloody outrageous,” he declares. “That said, bearing in mind this scientist’s dubious credentials, I doubt very much the transplant would work – what we’ll end up with is some kind of crazed crypto-fascist monster rampaging through parliament. Mind you, even without the head transplant, that’s pretty much what we’d get with Truss as Prime Minister, anyway.”