Think of the Arsonists

“Won’t somebody think of the arsonists?” asks Arnie Simmer, President of the UK Pyromania Association. “They are undoubtedly the forgotten victims of this current petrol shortage. I’ve no doubt that if anyone bothered to look at the crime statistics, they would find that there has been a sharp drop of in arson attacks since this business started.” Simmer’s impassioned plea for consideration comes against the background of Britain’s current crisis at the petrol pumps, brought on by drivers panic buying in response to possible delivery disruption stemming from HGV driver shortages. “Without doubt, petrol is the accelerant of choice for both professional and amateur arsonists, being easy to obtain and store,” he explains. “Moreover, filling up a petrol can at the pumps wouldn’t arouse suspicion. Just think of the money that professional arsonists are losing from not being able to burn down properties to order?” Indeed, top professionals can apparently command high fees for deliberately burning down commercial properties – as Simmer points out, there is a real skill to torching a large structure, while ensuring that there is no apparent connection to the owner and that nobody gets hurt. “Let’s not forget the owners of the buildings currently not being burned down who are missing out on some pretty big insurance pay outs,” says Simmer. “They are just as much victims of this fuel crisis as the professional arsonists.”

But it isn’t just professional arsonists and their clients who are suffering as a result of petrol panic buying. “We also need to spare a thought for the hobby arsonists who, while they aren’t losing money, are being deprived of the undoubted satisfaction of watching a random garden shed, car or abandoned property go up in flames,” opines Simmer. “Not forgetting the pyromaniacs who just want the simple pleasure of seeing those beautiful flames blossoming into life as they get their grip on an industrial wheelie bin. To be sure, they could try using alternative accelerants, but none are as effective as petrol. Even for something as basic as a revenge attack on a noisy neighbour or a hated love rival, there’s nothing like petrol – just try shoving bits of burning newspaper through their letterboxes to set their houses on fire instead and you’ll see what I mean.” Simmer also expressed concern for those traditional enemies of the arsonist: the fire brigade. “Just think of all those poor firemen being laid off and losing money because of the lack of fires,” he says. “I mean, they do get paid by the blaze, don’t they?”

Even if the amateur arsonists do decide to turn to alternative accelerants in the face of the petrol shortage, they may find them is short supply as, without doubt, professional arsonists are themselves already being forced to seek alternatives which, while less efficient, will at least allow them to stay in business. According to experts, any run on alternative accelerants will inevitably have knock on effects for non-arsonists. “My fear is that panic buying by arsonists of the most obvious and easily obtainable petrol alternatives, white spirit and meths, will leave winos, down and outs are chronic alcoholics hitting rock bottom without their beverages of choice,” warns advocate for the homeless Wes Fry. “What are these penniless derelicts supposed to drink without a ready supply of these paint removers and thinners to shop lift?” He points out that a decline in smoking and the advent of butane powered lighters means that the old stand by of lighter fluid is no longer available, leaving things like after shave and hair tonic as the most obvious alternatives. “Unfortunately, unlike white spirit or meths, this doesn’t come in litre or half litre volumes, so many more bottles have to be shop lifted at a time, increasing reported thefts from shops and putting a strain on police resources,” he muses. “Perhaps, for the duration of the fuel crisis at least, these unfortunate down and outs should be encouraged to take up sniffing glue or paint instead of imbibing industrial alcohol – smaller quantities are required to produce a similar level of oblivion, after all.”

The repercussions of the petrol panic could, however, go way beyond even arsonists and winos. “Look, once the supplies of white spirits and the like run low, there is the possibility that the arsonists will be forced to bulk buy fire lighters, leaving poor pensioners with no no means of getting their fires going when they can’t afford inflated gas prices during the forthcoming Winter,” ponders Fry. “The poor old buggers could end up freezing to death in their thousands!” Consequently, Simmer and his association plan to lobby the government to have emergency supplies of petrol made available to Britain’s arsonists. “We’re not asking for special provisions to be made at the pumps, but surely they could arrange for some sort of home delivery system?” he asks. “Obviously we’re not expecting them to send tankers around, but maybe just deliver a crate of petrol-filled milk bottles every week, or something.” Simmer concedes that precautions will have to be taken to ensure that such deliveries aren’t abused, with people claiming to be arsonists, only to pour their supplies into the petrol tanks of their cars, rather than using it to burn down warehouses.

“Maybe they could put dye in it, like they do with agricultural diesel,” he suggests. “So they can run checks on what colour the petrol registered arsonists have in the tanks of their cars.” In any event, Simmer is advising arsonists and pyromaniacs to steer clear of Britain’s filling station forecourts during the current crisis on safety grounds. “Have you seen the kind of crazy shit those petrol panic buyers are pulling at the pumps?” he says. “You’ve got maniacs not just filling up their vehicles, but also filling all manner of plastic containers, including shopping bags, with petrol. Are they insane? Don’t they know how dangerous that is? Believe me, no competent arsonist would ever do anything that dangerous.” Simmer has nothing but contempt for the panic buyers, condemning them for their short-sightedness abd lack of consideration. “Really, those bastards panic buying petrol really do need to consider the wider impact of their selfish actions” he rages. “Not only are they putting arsonists out of work, but they could also be ruining the lives of alcoholic derelicts and causing grannies to freeze to death. The utter bastards!”