Where’s Jesus?

Jesus Christ’s father – Our Lord God Almighty – is worried about His Son. The Saviour of Mankind was due back on earth for the new millennium over fifteen years ago, however, no-one has so far seen him. “He left my mansion – which has many rooms – promptly at midnight on 31 December 1999”, God told us through his appointed intermediaries here on earth, the Pope, the Archbishop of Canterbury and, most specifically, Derek Farrup, a retired van driver from Farnborough. “But I haven’t seen or heard from him since . There have been no authenticated miracles reported – usually a sure sign that he is around. Whilst I don’t think that anything really terrible has happened to him – I haven’t heard of any crucifixion’s lately – I would like him to get in touch, just to put my mind at rest”. Well, with Easter here, we The Sleaze have decided to give The Almighty a helping hand. We’re asking all of readers to look out for the Messiah and, just to provide an extra incentive, we’re prepared to give a fiver to whoever successfully spots him!

However, just to make it interesting, when you approach the Son of God you must be dressed in religious garb, be holding a copy of the Bible, and you must say “You are Jesus Christ, Saviour of Mankind, and I claim my five pounds!” Remember, this challenge is not as easy as it sounds – Jesus is clearly determined not to be found and may be in disguise. Simply looking out for any bearded thirty year olds wearing sandals will not suffice – he could have trimmed that facial hair and now be sporting a neat goatee beard! The sandals could have been replaced with Reeboks and the flowing robes with a sharp suit. Then again, maybe he’s grown the beard out and become one of those irritating hipsters. Perhaps he has adopted the guise of someone famous – UK Garage star Craig David, for instance. After all, he has a goatee and who had ever heard of him before 2000, eh? And his recent comeback has been nothing short of miraculous. But just why Jesus has gone into hiding is not clear. Perhaps the pressure of being Messiah was all too much for him and he’s decided to drop out for a while, settle down and start a family. Maybe all those scandals about paedophile priests has made him so ashamed of the religion founded in his name that he’s gone into hiding. Or he might be worried that that photo of him hanging out behind the scenes at Top of the Pops with Jimmy Savile in 1975 could surface and people might jump to the wrong conclusions.

There’s also the possibility than his absence is down to the fact that Jesus is currently serving a prison sentence. It could be as simple as an attempted miracle gone wrong, with someone branding him a sex offender when he laid hands on their breasts or buttocks. Alternatively, he could have been arrested on terror charges after being caught preaching his subversive ‘peace and love’ ideology outside Westminster Abbey and is currently languishing in Belmarsh prison following a secret trial. More disturbingly, disillusioned at the state of modern Christianity and the decadence of the modern Western world, Christ could have become radicalized and joined a Jihadist terror group. He’d make a perfect suicide bomber as he could keep being resurrected after every bombing and do it all over again. But we’ll only know the true answer if you find him! And remember, we’ll need proof of his identity – stigmata, water into wine, raising the dead – that sort of thing. Otherwise every hipster pillock in creation will be offering to pretend to be the Messiah in return for you splitting that fiver with them. Good luck and God be with you!